I am excited to be here let's get into
it earlier today I was doing a little
bit of reflecting you know reflecting a
reflection but it doesn't matter sitting
on a toilet drinking vodka you reflect
your way I reflect mine and I'll just
rip about how la is like earlier today I
was just walking through Hollywood just
hanging out 11 o'clock in the morning
chillin dude comes up you got any crack
amazing I'm not a drug snob I don't
judge people off what they do
recreationally and if you would ask for
weed 11 o'clock in the morning sunny day
no big deal
it's weed but crack that's a nighttime
request dusk bare minimum the Sun should
be on his way down before you ask for
that and then I had to realize something
when someone asked you if you personally
have crack it forces you to reevaluate
your life cuz I Chi said I was walking
on the strip it was a lot of people
around I'm like what it wasn't like it
was a deserted road was like just me and
the crack II there's a lot of people
like what about me
do I look crack ish I wasn't wearing the
I heart crack shirt like there was and
even more tripped out than him asking
was that I checked like I don't even
know dude I think I've made and giving
away my last piece sure how this works
out so that started out my day and then
my doctor told me that I might need
glasses yeah for reading yeah yeah so I
had to make the hard decision you know
to stop reading
I got colors and shapes down I'm pretty
good
silhouettes and stuff like that it's
fine it's fine the beauty again know
though is that you certain things you
accept by the way I knew I was getting
older when I started rooting against the
kids and scary movies you don't exactly
you don't come back
remember how you watch prior to 13th
Halloween teenagers do something stupid
or rebellious but you still want them to
make it you want them to live you like
one in the barn he's coming running the
barn now I'm like your mom and dad told
you not to lead a house it's a school
night you being disrespectful this is on
you they in the barn Jason go get him
they in the barn
spank him first they was drinking too
it's fine that's fine like I said the
beauty of getting old is that you accept
certain things about your life like I'm
a man but I'm a specific type of man
example ladies I'm type of guy that we
go out for the evening and somebody
disrespects you I will defend your honor
but understand the level of defense
depends on the size of the offender no
but I in my heart I want to be like yo
do what did you say but it might be like
what it babe what did you say I just
want to get both sides of the story to
be fair you do tend to talk a lot
certain things I do not do anymore
getting older is strip clubs yeah I
can't first of all because the strippers
seem to be the same age they were when I
started going to strip clubs
which is inappropriate cuz I got kids
you know I used to go to strip clubs and
like oh who's your daddy now I'm like
where's your father
the last real club I went to the girl
came up and she's like hey if you want
to make this more than a dance we can
but understand that my prices are
negotiable but be respectful because the
last person I was with gave me $1,000
now let me tell you something his
difference between older me and younger
me younger me would have found $1,000 I
would have started a paper route
lemonade stand developed an app whatever
I got to do I'd have got that money me
now when she said $1,000 I'm like I'm
right now arguing with DIRECTV over $20
[Music]
and I get 300 channels so you getting a
thousand for one no that don't all sound
fiscally responsible except for that
price you gonna have to stay for a while
like a week and it'll just be sexy
there's gonna be some chores involved
too
I don't know about being in the mood but
I do need this living room painted so
suit up
yeah it is before I get out of here
fellas you think it's okay to go to
strip clubs have you in a relationship
oh yeah one do the rest I was like what
are strip clubs is that where you go to
worship the face of the Lord I wouldn't
do it either fellows but not because I
would be tempted to do anything at the
strip club ladies but because I don't
want to have to explain my wife that I
was at a strip club
just in case something messed up happens
like what if I get shot at the strip
club you can't explain that to my wife
like ma'am we got something to tell you
what is it I'm gonna play both parts
it's about your husband what happen
he was shot oh my god he was shot and
killed
oh my god he was Sam killer strip club
what
[Music]
he was shot and killed a strip club we
need you to come down identify his
remains forget his remains you tell the
girl he was gonna dance from the
identify his remains that's why he can't
pay the $20 on the cable bill my point
is I don't want to be laying there dying
on the strip club floor and had a cop
come up and be like mr. Barnett don't
look like you're gonna make it I'll be
like okay can you drag my body down the
street right next to the church
and please please wipe this glitter off
my forehead
[Applause]