(mouse clicking)
- Oh , how do you describe our relationship to others?
- Oh my god,
(awkward laughing)
- We're best friends,
that have been through
a boatload of shit together.
- [Rakshan] I mean,
I don't think best friends sums it up,
I think it's just
you're my person.
That person in my life that
I can always go to and you'll be there,
if you're not pushing out stones.
(joyful laughing)
- I do get bad kidney stones.
- Yeah
- My health is really messed up, yeah.
- If for some reason I lost my memory,
what's the first thing you tell me about us?
- Oh God.
(laughing)
What's the first thing I'd tell you?
I don't know.
Cause like, I won't bring up anatomy.
- I don't know.
(laughing)
I don't think I'd bring up any of that.
No, I'd bring up the day that I met you probably
because you still remember that perfectly.
- I do.
- Or when we get food because that's always fun.
Or Sims.
- We've gotten food every single day for the past two weeks.
- Three.
- Yeah
- Or Sims, maybe Sims.
- Sims yeah.
- That's kind of like... (laughs)
We live out our dreams in Sims.
- Yeah. I don't think I'd tell any of the like
the super personal stuff.
I'd probably start out with like either food,
the day I met you,
or, like, when we play games.
I don't know.
- Do you think I wouldn't be able
to handle the personal stuff, or...
- I think you'd be like,
why am I so connected to this person?
Cause a lot of people don't get that,
when they meet us if they don't know
the entire back story from like
your senior year to now.
Like, you know, some of your friends don't understand that.
(Erin laughs)
What's something we've never talked about, but should?
I don't know if I can think of anything.
- What haven't we talked about? (laughter)
Oh no.
I'm trying to like go through my head.
We've literally talked about everything.
- Yeah
- You literally tell me when you have to shit.
(laughing)
- Stop it.
You literally know everything about me though.
- Like obviously, like, the past,
but we've talked about that enough to the point
where I don't want to bring it up again and then we were
definitely causing harm. - Until we both
got sad and then...
- Yeah, and then we watch Who's Pretty
and cry our eyes out.
- Yeah
Maybe,
this like still hasn't happened yet,
but, you know, what I was saying, like,
when you and I like do find other people
that
we connect emotionally to
like there's obviously going to be a gap here
because we're gonna have other people.
- That just made me nauseous.
Oh God.
(laughing)
This is why we don't talk about that.
- But just
maybe it's a good idea
because we are so heavily dependent on each other
but I don't want to affect our relations with other people.
- Yeah.
- In the future.
We haven't touched on that at all but like...
- I feel that's cause we kind of can't though.
I mean given me.
- Yeah
- Like you know how I react to stuff like that.
And I get really, like,
even like right now I'm like (anxiously groans).
Because I always tell you I'm not going to find anyone else.
Which like I still believe that to be true,
but like, if you were to find someone else like
I'd want you to be happy.
- Yeah.
What do you think we should talk about?
- I think it's the same thing you said.
I think it's just hard for me,
because like part of me is still like deeply connected
to you, to where like right now if you were to be like
"Do you want to like date me?",
I would say "Yes," because of how close we are.
But like, I don't want that to keep you
from being close to me because, like, I can
separate that part of myself.
It's just sometimes it gets blurred and like, yeah.
That's kind of why I did my thesis though,
which it helped.
'Cause, we've dated how many times
and it just hasn't worked.
But I feel like, that's also, like a maturity thing.
Except the first time, you literally put a timestamp on it.
(Erin laughs)
And then like, I didn't want the timestamp to be a thing
and you were like, "No."
And then, the second time it was...
And then, shit happened.
Yeah, I think that's the only thing.
Just cause it's hard.
- It's hard for you to talk about it,
but I also don't want to be the one
to drop that ball on you.
- Yeah, no I know.
(deep breath)
- We'll talk about it one day.
(laughs)
- What?
- What's the pain in me you wish you could heal?
- Oh God.
(Erin laughs)
So many things.
You used to think that it was like your past
relationships that I wanted to heal you from,
but I feel like those have made you stronger,
even though they still affect you, but I feel like
recently it's been your family, a lot.
- Oh no.
(Rakshan laughs)
No, it's fine.
- Your family,
I never realized how much
it affected you
and then when your mom went away to visit her mom
I, like, saw that side of your family
and like it made me sad.
Like I told you, I wish you could
just lived at my house, even though my house
isn't much better.
But it's like,
I feel like that's the pain in you I would heal
because I feel like its affecting you more now
like, right now
than your past relationships.
Like with me, it's your past relationships,
when it comes to like a romantic sense,
but like, every day life it's your family.
And, like,
not having,
not being like shown love 24/7.
And like, being taught that like you had
to keep everything bottled up.
That's what I would heal.
(Rakshan sniffling)
Because, like I didn't like grow up like that.
You and I come from completely different backgrounds,
but, like, I understand it to a sense,
where like, I can see how it affects you.
- Yeah
- Are you okay?
- I'll be fine.
- We'll go get froyo after this.
(Rakshan laughs)
That's what I'd heal in you.
(Rakshan sniffs)
- What are you hesitant to tell me?
Are you even hesitant to tell me anything?
- Yeah.
Yeah, I was scared for that question.
I'll answer it though.
That I'd like actually marry you.
- You would?
- Yeah.
There's, I've told people this.
There's no doubt in my mind that if you were like
"Erin, marry me," I would marry you.
Because like...
My heart, wow.
I would.
I don't know if you'd want to, but like, I would.
- I mean, I wouldn't say I wouldn't want to,
but it's just how plans fall.
- Yeah.
- And so if it doesn't happen, I'm sorry.
- It's okay.
Sometimes you can't help things.
- Yeah.
I wouldn't say like, I love where we are
'cause like, there's obviously like other things going on.
- Yeah
- But like, as far as like, you and I are concerned
I think this is a decent ground.
- A decent ground?
- A decent...
- It can get better, it can get worse.
I think it will get better though.
- How would it get worse?
(laughs)
- I don't know actually.
You leaving probably. - Unless I burned Ah Wind.
No, I would never do that.
I would never do that I swear.
- You burn my book, I'm gonna kill you.
(laughing)
- I wouldn't.
You know I would never.
- I know.
- I keep that book safe.
Do you want to ask me anything?
- Why do you love me?
- Because you're you.
(quiet laughing)
- And like, obviously you're you.
Like I wouldn't, like
connect to you the way we do if you weren't the way you are.
You know what I'm talking about?
Like,
you're a very raw person.
- Thank you.
- You put it like it is and you come to be that.
So basically, it's like take me for who I am,
or don't take me at all.
- Yeah
- I like that about you.
But,
besides that,
you made me think really different about myself.
Like,
it's still hard.
- Yeah
- Like, even like, when like, you compliment me.
I don't know how to respond.
- Yeah
- Because I'm not used to it,
I'm not used to being given like positive reinforcement
or like, any support.
So, like...
Like it's not because of that but it's because
you were such a crucial goal and like,
me trying to be happy with who I am, which took, 17 years,
and then, you know, I'm here now.
And like, I'm not completely satisfied
with where I am, but you're happy for me.
You saw me grow.
- Yeah
- And...
I love you just because you are a part
of everything.
(quiet laughing)
- Yeah, you too.
(heartbeat)
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