What's up, chimps!
So, it's just about time for Siege to wrap it up
after what I'm sure you'll agree has been an extremely strong showing of Cybertronic space bot styles
and while many a lesser line would, at this point, be kickin' back
and throwin' out a few waves of easy repaints, Siege is even now still makin' with the new stuff!
I mean, there's been a COUPLE of repaints, but they've all been tempered with like, fresh designs
and an undercurrent of wacky character choices even I never dared to dream we'd see again!
Yes indeed, let's go bananas for the return of the original gorilla gangster - it's only bloody Siege Apeface!
Now then, Apeface first barrelled onto the scene back in '87 as one of two Horrorcons -
pretty much overblown triple-changing Decepticon Headmasters with endearingly absurd monster modes,
all of which feels suspiciously Titans Return-y. Apeface has gotta be a carryover, right?
Voyager triple-changing Headmaster beastformer?
It wouldn't even be THAT weird.
I mean, Siege kind of always had one foot in the Prime Wars,
finishin' off odd bits here and there and sneakin' out Combiner limbs
like some kind of post-credits sequence to Power of the Primes
so why not toss a bit of Titans Return back into the mix?
It WAS good.
And, wouldn't you know it, Apeface even showed up in that very line
as a tiny guy who turns into his own head and rides around on a miniature version of himself
just a couple of short years before making his full-bodied Siege comeback
in a move that I've come to know as "Skytreading". What is this, Titans Return's Return?
So yes, let's get some ape in yer face!
Now this simian psycho certainly makes a hefty Horrorcon homage
that vibes with me like you wouldn't believe!
Just a meaty Voyager-class goon with a beefy, chunky bod, a stinkingly savage attitude,
and delicious Decepticony colours! It's just such a strong look!
...or it almost is.
(sigh) Let's just get this out the way. That pallid white plastic is not the move, man!
Like, in the promo renders, those whites looked so crisp, all heavy-duty and Octaney,
but in hand it all looks so weak and sickly, like prototype resin or crusty PVA glue.
And they've clearly put a ton of design work and detail in there,
but it's all sort of adrift in this sleepy fog of creamy soap.
But I dunno if it exactly ruins the whole thing!
I mean, it doesn't help, but there's still a lot to love about this monkey maniac!
Like, I do dig his general design, rockin' the imitation display-only SPDSTRINT panel
flanked by huge black power pillars.
Arms are pretty standard, but they check out! Love the bulging Popeye forearms and three Siege spots.
Legs are just two huge rusted girders of multi-layered faux-metal might
with freakishly thin thigh stalks and fresh feety flaps!
Mind you, I dunno if I'm down with how he deals with his kibble.
Like, it's very noticeably almost all from the spaceship mode.
I mean, I do appreciate the sharp smack of obnoxious magenta,
and the wings do actually look pretty zazzy there, peerin' over his monkey paw shoulders
like day-glo epaulettes.
But that towering back-mounted psoriasis dog boner really ain't cute
and there's this other huge slice that just comes off and you're like "ohhh, it's a shield now".
Is it a shield? Looks more like some kinda little Thunderwing drone friend
or like the fakeout Slapdash non-breastplate.
I don't mind it, but... IS it a shield? It's got a hole in it!
But yes, as we were saying, Apeface is a pretty fun fusion of Titans Return and Siege gimmicks,
that is, he's a Headmaster with three modes but also he can hold 28 guns and he's all scratched to shit.
So, how do we feel about the temporary return of the Titanmaster?
Are we still callin' them that? It doesn't say anywhere.
It doesn't even say his name! He's just sort of dispassionately pictured in the instructions.
What are you, a step?
But he's actually lookin' surprisingly slick with like a proper paint job
- it's Spasma, by the way -
but he's got like, more than two colours, and a faceplate and a visor like a real boy and everything!
He can even pull off two faces!
There's the standard Soundwavey mouthplate version and a significantly Bruntier techno cyborg one
with a giant visor and like a badass Bebop snout
and you can, of course, switch it out for the Titans Return guy, which is WAY cooler, but of course it is.
It's like, the perfect Decepticon head design. Of COURSE it's cooler. It's cooler than EVERYTHING.
While we're doing gimmicks, you've obviously got the old blacklight code thing, which deciphers down into
Turboworm!?
How did they hear about my embarrassing failed EDM project?
How did they find out about my defunct 2004 cybergoth alter ego?
How did they know what I call my willy?
Just pick one of those jokes, whichever one you prefer.
Like for EDM project!
Share for cybergoth alter ego!
Delete your account for willy.
So yeah, Apeface's robot mode is a bit of an almost-there underachiever
with a gutload of gumption but not quite the stones to back it up.
Like, there IS a lot of good stuff goin' on, but it's mostly lost in weird materials,
or drowned in kibble, or outshone by the recent past, and...
...God, I wish his name wasn't "Apeface".
[THUNDEROUS GROOVE METAL RIFF]
Transformation does work if you work with it,
but it all feels a bit sort of awkward and flappy-tabby, fussy and fidgety.
And the spaceship mode's desperately unconvincing!
It comes over like a couple of dimwit decorations danglin' off an ice cube of bacon fat.
I mean, the nosecone is kinda cool, like a tapered astro-anteater with a little goblin shark grin,
and I'm enjoyin' the little ass-end covered cockpit where you can stash li'l Captain Spasma all safe and snuggly
but... look at this thing! It's just a big soapy square with some flaps on.
It's so lame! It just makes me think maybe they shouldn't have included it?
I mean, I get it, of course it HAD to have this mode
'cos the original was a masterwork of '80s retro fantasy spaceship chonk
but that has NOT translated at all!
'Cos it really doesn't work! It looks dumb, and all the bits he needs for this mode is what ruins the other modes.
I mean, does he need it? He's already an okay robot goon, a sick-ass gorilla, AND a Headmaster.
Will that ever be enough for you, mother!?
[DOOMY DJENT]
So to get it into beast mode, you just switch the kibble around.
Ahh, triple changers.
OK so basically it's monky
Now this - THIS is Apeface! This is the giant robot ape of death straight outta Monkey Hell!
Just a big, ballsy space gorilla throwin' out mob boss energy from that evil toothy smile
and cool-ass single-eye stripe shades! All it needs is a massive cigar.
I feel like this is more of a primary mode for Apeface than the robot mode is.
Like, his whole character sheet is just "horrible arsehole"
so this spectacular shit-flinger's probably a bit more of an honest expression of who he is inside.
Like, it's not supposed to fool us into thinkin' it's a real animal, it's not Optimus Primal.
This isn't a disguise! This is rampage mode!
This is iconic, right? I'm not imagining it, this is legendary.
See? Now I like that his name's Apeface!
But I gotta go there - it is still a touch ropey.
Like, the forearms pull off a gnarly knuckle-drag, but they're extremely empty and borderline see-through!
And d'you know what I mean about the jet mode?
It's just folded down and slathered all over his back like a dingus
and even his robot mode arms are just knotted up on his arse cheeks there.
Oh no, he's got a bumhole!
I dunno. The whole thing just feels a bit cut-and-shut. A bit "that'll do".
I think this guy feels extra flaky 'cos all the other recent triple changers have been SUCH an upgrade
and it really does seem to me like there'd be more room for development if they'd just ditched the jet mode.
Or the robot mode! Just let him be a gorilla that turns into a spaceship. Why not?
But what Apeface certainly is, is an encouraging reminder that we're still locked into the Classics quest!
While the WFC trilogy is kinda breakin' away and doin' its own thing, it IS still Generations,
we're still doing the wider Generations thing.
Yes, we're rebootin' Hound and Grapple and all those guys, but we're still doin' it!
We're up to '87-'88, might be hittin' Snapdragon next, don't worry, we'll get 'em all.
So, in the end, Apeface may very well be the messiest thing to have come out of Siege,
but I mean, I still like it!
He's a big purple Decepticon. What? Am I not gonna love it? Shut up.
And if nothing else it's unique and fun and just lovable AF!
AF? Ape Face?
Bye.
All right! Suck on that, YouTube!
Anyway, a big Patreon-flavoured shoutout this week to Julianne Hardstone. Thank you, my friend!
Until next time, traveller.
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Limited appeal, keeping it real.