Alright, so uh...
Well, this story is pretty embarrassing,
but I'm gonna tell it anyways.
And it's a story about the One Chip Challenge.
And for those of you that don't know what the One Chip Challenge is,
well, it's a single tortilla chip,
that's supposed to be the spiciest most hottest tortilla chip in the world.
Now, I didn't know anything about it,
until my wife brought it home from the store one day.
"Hey, I bought this spicy tortilla chip at Circle K for $9,
isn't that funny?"
"What?! You spent $9 on a single tortilla chip?!
No, that's not funny. What are you, nuts?!"
I gotta say this thing is a little intimidating to look at.
I mean it's packaged in a box that's shaped like a coffin.
It's not very promising.
But how bad can it be?
I mean, I can handle spicy food pretty well...
I mean, besides that time
I had that extraordinarily hot jalapeno popper at Fricker's that one time
and I had to excuse myself from the table before I cried in front of my wife.
But that was a different story, alright.
This is just a single tortilla chip we're talking about.
But then one of our friends came over later that day,
and he's seen it on the counter and was like,
"Woah, is that the One Chip Challenge?
Who's the fucking idiot that's about to eat that?"
"Uhm, well, I was thinking about doing it.
Why, is it really hot?"
"Really hot? Ha!
Well, let me just say that the heat is not the worst part about it."
Well, with that cryptic-ass statement
I was in no hurry to do the One Chip Challenge.
So that chip sat on the counter for a good...
Oh, I don't know, eight months or so.
That is until one day I made a little wager with one of our kids,
and yes, a side note, we do have kids.
I don't like to bring them up in these shitty cartoons,
because, well, they're all over the internet,
and there's a bunch of weirdo perverts out there.
But with that being said,
it's all their fucking fault that I ate this goddamn thing.
Because you see, I made a bet
that I would do the One Chip Challenge
if a certain child sacked the quarterback at his next football game.
Well, wouldn't you know
his little ass went all Michael Strahan the following Sunday.
And now I'm in the kitchen, staring down a fucking tortilla chip.
And of course, everybody's crammed in the kitchen,
staring at me like I'm some kind of a circus act.
But I was still pretty confident at this point.
I can handle hot stuff!
I've chewed a stick of Big Red Gum before,
how much spicier can it be?
"Made with Carolina Reapers.
Carolina Reapers?
That sounds like a fucking XFL football team, I'm not afraid of that shit!"
So I take the chip out of the coffin.
I don't really know what I was expecting, but...
Well, this thing looks like a dried-up triangular dog turd.
And to prove it, here's a video of me eating it,
and to my surprise it fucking tastes like a triangular dried up dog turd.
It is the nastiest thing I've ever tasted in my life.
It was so bad, I felt like they should have had a warning on the box, like...
So, like 15 seconds go by,
and I have no heat whatsoever.
I start thinking, "Ah, maybe I got a dud.
Maybe it's expired, did I wait too long? What the hell happened?"
And just when I thought that...
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"Oh God, I can't breathe.
Somebody give me a goddamn glass of milk."
Needless to say, this chip is hotter than a stick of fucking Big Red Gum,
that's for sure.
It is the hottest thing I've ever had in my life.
At this point everybody in the kitchen is just concerned about my general well-being.
Here I am at the sink, trying to hold it together,
trying not to fucking cry like the Fricker's and send it all over again.
"Tyler, are you okay?"
Now, thankfully the heat only lasts for about 15 minutes or so.
So once you hit that 15-minute mark, you're in the clear.
Or so I thought...
Because what I found out, is that the heat doesn't go away,
it just moves on down to your stomach.
So now it feels like this goddamn chip is just hanging out down there,
melting my insides with a hair dryer.
Well, now how am I going to solve this conundrum?
Well, I'll tell you what I did.
I fucking... are an ice cream cone.
Seemed like a good idea at the time.
It seemed like that ice cream cone would go down there
and start beating that chip's ass.
And that seemed to be the case until my stomach was like...
Yeah, apparently that ice cream cone wasn't beating the chip's ass,
it was fucking playing Patty Cake with it instead!
Now all of a sudden I get these stomach pains out of nowhere.
And they are debilitating!
I'm laying on the couch making my peace with God,
"Take me... Take me now!
Pretty, pretty please!"
Now, eventually, dinner time rolls around.
And on this particular night
we're just so happy to have a big ol' pan of lasagna.
Now, I know what you're thinking,
"He wouldn't eat lasagna on top of an ice cream cone
on top of a bunch of milk
with a fucking devil chip inside of him.
That wouldn't make any sense!"
Well, you're wrong, because I ate a big ass fucking plate of it.
My stomach at this point was like,
"Oh what the fuck?! What are you, trying to ruin us?!
I'd have a better chance at digesting a fucking alarm clock
than any of this shit!"
So I eat a thick-ass piece of lasagna,
(whoosh-thud!)
and to my surprise, the stomach cramps go away.
"Oh my God it's over, I did it!"
But wait a minute, there's more!
"A lot more?"
"So much more!"
Because at this point the chip transfers over to my intestines,
and my intestines were like,
"Uh... No, thank you! You can go fuck yourself with that!"
And properly sends it...
right to my asshole.
Now, I don't know if you've ever had the pleasure of an on-fire butthole before,
but let me tell you, it's not as fun as it sounds!
For the next 45 minutes
my ass transforms into a fucking malfunctioning flamethrower.
*PFFT*
*PFFF*
*PFFFFFFFPT*
*PFFFFFFFFFFFFFFPT!*
And of course it's noisy as hell in there,
there's no way I could be discreet at this point.
Sounds like there's fucking 14 people taking a shit at once in there.
"Uhm... Are you all right? Should I call the cops?"
The whole time I'm sitting there all I can think about is,
"Oh, that's why they put the chip in a coffin,
because the coffin is for your asshole afterwards, now I get it!"
So after a very unpleasant, very emotional trip to the bathroom,
it's finally over.
And I'm so pissed off at this point!
I'm just like, yelling a stream of obscenities at the toilet,
taking all my anger out on it.
"F**k you, you f**king punk-ass tortilla chip!
I hope you s**t f**king fireballs out of your f**king crooked asshole,
you f**king f**k!"
"Uhm, maybe you guys should go play Nintendo or something."
So that's the One Chip Challenge.
For anybody that's interested, I highly recommend it,
especially if you have a good eight hours that you just can't find anything to do.
Clear out an afternoon, because it's not so much the one chip challenge,
it's more like the One Chip All Fucking Day Ordeal.
But I did survive it, and more importantly,
I understand why the heat
is not the worst part of the whole goddamn thing.
The end.
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