• From superheroes that can only pick up radio, to people that can only teleport very
small distances, we count 15 incredibly useless comic book characters ever to waste their
presence on your eyeballs 15 - Dogwelder
• This one is owned by DC Comics, part of Garth Ennis' Hitman series, and Dogwelder
is one member of a superhero gang known as Section 8
• Most of their members have crazy powers like this one guy who gets his strength from
drinking liquor, but Dogwelder takes the cake - his ability is to weld dogs to a person's
face • That's it, that's how he fights crimes
- he full-on whips out a blowtorch and welds a dog on to your face
• Because, I mean, without dogs, a blowtorch is useless - surely
14 - Almighty Dollar • This was created by Buzz Dixon, Mike DeCarlo
and Jose Delbo - a character named J Pennington Pennypacker who attends a self-esteem camp
and ends up with a superpower from a mad scientist • What can he do?
Well, he can shoot money out of his wrist, but not just money - pennies, one cent coins
• Apparently his superpower is so worthless that countries like Australia don't even recognise
the thing he attacks enemies with 13 - Cypher
• A Marvel creation for the X-Men line-up, you might've heard of him - he's the guy who
can translate things, that's his superpower • He'd crop up every so often to read some
ancient text, or read some body language, pretty much worthless so Marvel had him killed
off, then brought back to life with some slightly more useful powers, then killed him again,
and brought him back • He's that superhero you bring back to
life every time you can't read the label on a tin of baked beans, then immediately kill
so you don't have to deal with anymore 12 - Red Bee
• This guy first appeared in the 1940s not by Marvel or DC, but Quality Comics, later
bought by DC • His powers were to attack people with
trained bees and a stinger gun and he proved so popular that no company bought license
to own him and he entered public domain - so now anyone can continue the adventures of
Rick Raleigh the Red Bee • You'll have lots of fun explaining why
he keeps his favourite bee named Michael inside his belt buckle to be used only for "special
circumstances" • I'm looking forward to it
11 - Skateman • You know those times you create a comic
book character so fantastic that it gets cancelled after one issue?
Meet Skateman, who has no superpowers and whose only defining traits are that he has
a scarf on his face and fights crime on roller skates
• In 1990, Kitchen Sink Press awarded this single issue as the worst comic of the past
25 years • Which I feel is undeserved since it allows
me to live out my fantasy about doing stupid things for no reason
10 - Legion of Superpets • You might've heard about Krypto the superdog,
who Jor-El, Superman's father, sent from Krypton before it exploded in a test rocket to make
sure it worked • But did you also know that he ALSO sent
a monkey called Beppo in another test rocket too?
• The superpet legion also contains Streaky the Supercat who was infected with X-Kryptonite
that apparently gives animals Superman's powers • Additionally, you have Comet the Superhorse
who can transform into a human and make love to Supergirl once a year before he becomes
her pet horse again • All wear capes and follow orders from
Superman - this is actually a thing 9 - Squirrel Girl
• 1992, Marvel, you know you've run out of ideas when you literally take the traits
of a forest animal, give them to a character and call it a superpower
• Squirrel Girl can talk to squirrels, and she has squirrel-like abilities, and she can
tell squirrels to do stuff - also she looks somewhat like a squirrel
• She was a member of the Great Lakes Avengers, and now she sometimes acts as a nanny for
Luke Cage while attending NCU • She's pretty nuts ahahahahahaha :-|
8 - Razorback • This is like Squirrel Girl, but worse,
and he looks like someone trying to dress up as a character from Dota 2
• He first appears in The Spectacular Spider-Man, a man that dresses up like a pig to fight
crime - that's right, he doesn't even HAVE pig-like powers, he just wears the head-piece
and that's his thing • But he does have a superpower, oh yes,
he can drive ANY vehicle - a pig, that can drive ANY vehicle
• I've tried thinking about whether it's a metaphor, or it symbolises car drivers,
but no - it's just a damn pig that can drive ANY car
• Well done 7 - Matter Eater Lad
• This one made it into the Legion of Super-Heroes, part of DCs line-up of teens from the 31st
century • This guy barely made it in with a technicality
- his power is that he can eat any substance like bricks, doors and vegetables without
dying • That's it.
He can't fight, he has no other powers, he can just eat things and not die
• I want you to think about the practicality for one second - other superheroes can punch
through locked doors, melt warheads with their eyeballs, but this assclown can do nothing
but eat things and not die • Under what circumstance is that useful?
6 - Infectious Lass • Here's one that did NOT make it into the
Legion of Super-Heroes, an alien from the planet Somhtur, where everyone is a walking
infectious disease • Her superpower is that she makes people
feel sick when she shows up - she is the epitome of germ warfare
• While she can aim and control her infectiousness, she usually hits her allies by accident anyway
- so much that she's really not worth taking anywhere, unless you need a day off school
5 - Doorman • This is a superhero that sounds like a
joke on paper, but when you really think about you realise it IS a joke
• Doorman can teleport people anywhere in the world they want to go, but only if it's
into the next room over • Which is useful under one scenario - someone
can't get into a room because it's locked or something, the rest of the time Doorman
just sits around waiting for someone to ask him to move somewhere slightly, which can
be nothing but a highly-sought after profession 4 - Ulysses Solomon Archer
• This guy was involved in an accident that ended his brother's life, where his head was
crushed and now he seeks revenge on the trucker that did it
• His superpower comes from the new skull, the amazing situation-changing ability to
pick up CB radio transmissions • He used his radical power to hunt the
truck driver and the comic ended after 12 issues and so ended the glorious saga of this
guy that can pick up radio which he could do with various gadgets anyway
3 - Maggot • This guy is like the Hulk, but unnecessarily
handicapped by the fact his digestive system consisted of 2 slugs, and the only way he
could acquire his super strength is for the slugs to leave his body, gather nutrients
and return • Other superheroes can, y'know, summon
great strength by thinking about it, but I guess waiting for your slug intestines to
slurp up some power juice works too 2 - Bouncing Boy
• A kid that can inflate himself to such a point that he becomes like an elastic bouncy
ball • For a long time, other superheroes though
him a pointless waste of space until one day, ho ho, he proved them wrong
• He could, in fact, bowl over enemies with his great bounciness and thus prove himself
on par with Batman and the rest - clearly 1 - Arm-Fall-Off-Boy
• His name accurately describes his power - to tear off his own arm and beat up enemies
with it • That's it - that's all he can do, his
superpower is essentially a disability • A lot of children these days strive to
be like Superman or Batman, but every so often a kid comes along and says, "when I grow up,
I want to tear my own arm off and club people to death with it"
• Which is admittedly better than turning to drugs