- [Griffin] Aw, Justin, bless.
- [Justin] Bless?
- [Griffin] Aw, bless, Justin.
Bless your heart. Bless.
- [Justin] What? I don't understand this bit.
- [Griffin] Blessings upon you, Justin.
The name of the game is "Bless."
[funky electronic music]
- [Justin] My dude, this is the first
in my entire life I've heard of this one.
- [Griffin] Yeah, this is probably the least I've ever known
about a game before we go into playing it,
aside from maybe "Second Life,"
and that ended up being an
incredible, erotic awakening for me,
so who knows what "Bless" is going to bring to the table.
- [Justin] I mean, literally no one on Earth
has ever heard of this game.
Even the people who were making it is like, "Okay, I drew my
"millionth triangle, what is this all gonna be when we--"
- [Griffin] (laughs) "What's it gonna do?"
- [Justin] "What does this do now?"
- [Griffin] We've almost gone gold on sacred, or, holy--
- [Justin] What is it?
- [Griffin] What is it? Bless!
- [Justin] Bless.
- [Griffin] This one is "Bless."
This a MMORPG that on Steam says--
- [Justin] Why?
- [Griffin] Because...
Online.
And Steam says it's mostly negative reviews
so let's get on in--
- [Justin] Good, good, good, good, good.
- [Griffin] Well apparently it's pay to win
but that's fine 'cause I've got money.
- [Justin] Yeah, Unckey Bucks left his credit card
in our car when we peeled out (laughs)
- [Griffin] Boy the computer sure has a hard time ren--
I think I have reached the point of obsolescence
and I hate that "Bless" is the one that's told me that.
(Justin laughs)
So this is dog child.
I'm gettin' heavy - ♪ Dog child ♪
- [Griffin] Gettin' heavy "Black Desert Online"
vibes from this.
But we can either make them a devil or a,
aw who would do that?
We can see what the artist's intent is
and this is an important discussion
in the game space right now.
- [Justin] Hold on, I wanna do some math by this grid here.
That's five across, and then seven down
and then there's 30, so there's two at the ...
Hey there's 37 different kinds of perverts on Earth.
- [Griffin] I'm very excited, you know how I get,
I get jumpy.
- [Justin] You get jumpy, you start clickin' things
without really thinking about, ooh.
- [Griffin] Okay, the eyes can go in
and that's extremely good.
Ooh. Now we got, now we're playing with power.
- [Justin] I feel like...
the uncanny valley is a lot shallower for...
- [Griffin] The dog children?
- [Justin] For dog children.
Or any like animal-human hybrid.
- [Griffin] Let's just check if girl form will--
No.
- [Justin] That's the worst.
I do like the fact that she's,
I'm ready for her to sell me a Frosty.
- [Griffin] Well, okay, this is dog adult.
Nice try "Bless," you just made 'em all grown up.
That is one.
Next.
- [Griffin] Let's stat with this.
Have we ever done a elf?
- [Justin] I don't think we've done an elf,
that I can remember.
We probably have, somebody's gonna--
- [Griffin] Show me your magic.
Hmm, these eyes know the tree's wisdom.
- [Justin] You went straight from moochy lips
to lips to eat beef with.
- [Griffin] Mmm, I only eat the forest's beef.
(Justin laughs)
The beef of the trees.
- [Justin] You mean mushrooms?
- [Griffin] Mushrooms are my spore-filled tree beef.
Mmmmmm. Mmmmmmm.
- [Justin] Ugh.
(Griffin smacks lips)
I hate it when vegetarians put
portobello on the grill and you're like
"What're you having?"
"Tree beef!"
- [Griffin] Pretty hairstyles.
- [Justin] A lot of pretty hairstyles.
- [Griffin] I do like them.
Customize the hair.
- [Justin] What's that fuckin' Judy Tenuta hairstyle?
What is this?!
- [Griffin] Hell yeah, that's super good!
Holy shit, yeah! - Right?
- [Griffin] Motherfuckin' Doug's sister up in this piece.
- [Justin] Roseanne Roseannadanna,
that's what I was tryin' to pull, there it is.
- [Griffin] There we go.
- [Justin] A cultural reference everyone can appreciate.
- [Griffin] Yes, all of our 19 year old viewers
are very much going to enjoy that.
- [Justin] Google it.
- [Griffin] Scoot.
♪ Big, long, powerful neck. ♪
Okay, we do have slidey sliders,
if we wanna get traditional on it.
Ooh, that's a good one.
Oh man, now her fuckin' nose
is starting to look like some tree beef.
- [Justin] Can I ask you a question?
- [Griffin] What is it?
- [Justin] Y'know how... (laughs)
Y'know how...
(Griffin makes slurping noises)
If you put a million monkeys into a room
with a million typewriters,
eventually they'd write "Hamlet."
You know that old thing?
- [Griffin] Yeah, I think it's a hundred. (laughs)
- [Justin] I mean, if you think about it, it's really one.
It would just take a lot longer.
I feel like it's like that with sliders and the Joker.
I feel like we're always just like--
- [Griffin] Oh, yeah, sure.
- [Justin] You're always just like x number
of sliding movements away from us doing the Joker.
Like, I feel like we have...
Aside from the Junker, who is a Joker off-brand--
- [Griffin] Who is literally, yeah.
- [Justin] Yeah.
I feel like we always kinda
default to Joker and work backwards.
- [Griffin] Well, we could,
let's go a different color, then.
The problem is there's only so many colors.
- [Justin] Great point, Griffin,
I keep saying this to everybody and they say
"No, there's infinite."
I say no, there's, you're wrong.
- [Griffin] There's like 12.
- [Justin] There's like 12 colors, come up with a new one.
- [Griffin] Or we can just do this. (clicking sounds)
- [Justin] Oh, we should get that going as an effect.
(Griffin imitates a didgeridoo)
- [Griffin] Let's let God decide.
God wants yellow.
- [Justin] God wants (laughs) take it, lord.
- [Griffin] Brow depth exceedingly deep.
(Justin growls)
We've gotta cover up, it's a powerful canopy
for the wisdom that the eyes have seen from the trees.
Eyebrow color, is it gonna match the hair?
Have you met us?
(Justin laughs)
- [Justin] I'm getting a sense of a naturalist
from this person.
- [Griffin] Yeah, I'm getting that sense.
- [Justin] They know about tree beef,
they know about bush candy.
(Griffin laughs)
- [Griffin] They know about ground dirt.
Do you mean dirt?
- [Justin] No, ground dirt's nothing.
Ground dirt is nothing.
River skittles, that's something!
(Griffin laughs)
- [Griffin] Ooh, ooh, hello.
You just know, that's what I love.
- Just know - Ooh, you just know!
You just know!
(Justin laughs)
Just know!
When you see it, you know.
Wow, holy shit, I was like, I was all about big iris.
I was all about big iris, and then I saw little iris,
and I was all about that, actually.
- [Justin] Yeah.
- [Griffin] Eye distance, extremely.
Eye rotation, yep.
Eye width.
- [Justin] Whoa.
- [Griffin] Whoa! Yo!
- [Justin] Whoa!
- [Griffin] Yo! Hey! Yo!
Damn, I could shoot visine up in that shit
from fifteen feet away.
(Justin laughs)
Look at that, are you kidding me?
What happened?
- [Justin] Hachi machi.
- [Griffin] Hachi machi indeed.
Aw, and this is the important decision,
the crossroads we always come to,
is if we wanna put joy in our child's life.
- [Justin] I think this seems like a joyful creation to me,
I feel like it's what we all need right now.
- [Griffin] All right, you tell me when
it's like a fun, wistful grin, okay?
And we'll stop it right there.
- [Justin] Yep.
- [Griffin] Oh, wow, that still looks pretty sad to me,
but I'll take your word for it.
- [Justin] No, no, no, she's--
it's in the eyes, she's smizing.
- [Griffin] (laughs) Is she, is that what that is?
- [Justin] That's smizing.
- [Griffin] Smizing means you turn your eyelids into mouths,
and you open them wide,
exposing the precious jellies inside.
Oh shit, there's more teeth, we found more teeth!
- [Justin] Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
- [Griffin] She can nibble on one river skittle
at a time like that.
Ear.
- [Justin] Whoa, those are big.
- [Griffin] Yeah, these are big boys, huh?
- [Justin] Go with the biggest.
- [Griffin] And they can get bigger.
- [Justin] Yeah, biggest possible, I think.
Good. - Whoa, shit.
- Yes! - Whoa, shit!
- [Justin] This is awesome!
Whoa, whoa.
I mean, with that hair, you gotta!
- [Griffin] Can we put clothings on?
Toggle the, well, now it's just me and her.
System settings, clothes.
Detailed settings, advanced settings.
- [Justin] On, clothes on.
- [Griffin] Clothes...
What if we turn the shadows all the way up?
Oh, maybe it can't load all the models of the clothes.
(Justin laughs)
I don't wanna fuck with this, oooh.
- Ooh. - Oooh.
- [Justin] That, the mascara really pops.
- [Griffin] It is popping, yeah.
- [Justin] God, I, Griffin, can I say this,
this never happens, I'm getting like unnerved
by the directness and intensity
that she is bringing, like, out at me.
- [Griffin] That's because she's 75% eyeball!
- [Justin] I bet there are some people
who are uncomfortable with this
level of eye contact she's bringing.
- [Griffin] I think she's a naturalist,
but she does not go for a natural look.
She kicks ass!
This rules!
- [Justin] Yes.
- [Griffin] Lens, oh yeah.
- [Justin] Yeah, she's gotta have 'em.
- [Griffin] She does have 'em.
Ooh, whoa, cool, fuck yeah! - Whoa, cool as hell!
See, why don't?
Can I just say something?
Why don't they make video games about this kinda thing
that's happening here?
Why don't they make video games about this kinda person?
Because this is a game.
- [Griffin] This is a game right here.
Lip gloss is poppin'.
Yes, of course.
- [Justin] Of course.
- [Griffin] Shhh shhh shhh shhh shhh shhh shhh.
- [Justin] Thank you, that's actually much better.
- [Griffin] Justin be quiet.
Quiet, okay?
- [Justin] Do the hair toss, check her nails.
- [Griffin] Baby, how you feelin'?
Screeeeee!
(Justin laughs)
Screeeee!
Shhh shhh shhh shhhhh.
- [Both] Shhhhh.
- [Griffin] ♪ Too-ra-loo-ra-loo ♪
Okay.
(Justin laughs)
I need everybody to be fucking absolutely quiet
as we finish this up.
(Justin laughs)
Oh shit! Oh my god!
- [Justin] God, she's right there!
- [Griffin] That scared me so bad!
- [Justin] Fuck!
- [Griffin] Decoration.
- [Justin] Fuck, this person rules!
- [Griffin] Yeah, she's very, very, very, very, very cool.
- [Justin] Oh, that's rad as hell.
- [Griffin] Yeah, she does have (drowned out by Justin)
- [Justin] We've almost never created something
that could pull this facial tattoo off,
and she is nailing it.
- [Griffin] She looks like Princess Belda right now.
- [Justin] (laughs) From the CD-i game.
- [Griffin] (laughs) Yeah.
This is the Begend of Belda, from the city of Gyrule.
What are you feeling on this?
Okay.
- [Justin] That's cool.
The neck you ruined.
- [Griffin] The neck is perfect and I won't hear anymore--
- [Justin] I'm not happy about the neck that you ru--
Ah? What, me worry?
Whoa!
- [Griffin] Damn, damn!
Holy shit!
She looks like the inside-out man
that they would have at museums that you learn--
- [Justin] Slim Goodbody, she looks like Slim Goodbody!
- [Griffin] She looks like Slim Goodbody, holy shit!
Yeah, that kicks ass.
This is great, this is great, this is great.
Oh, you can't let me do this.
You ain't gonna let me do this, are ya?
I can do this.
What do we want, big butterfly, pretty butterfly?
Is that her--
- [Justin] You know what I, you wanna hear something bad?
It's like I'm getting too invested
in how radical--
- [Griffin] No, no, no, she's,
this is still "Monster Factory" after all.
- [Justin] I know.
- [Griffin] The only problem is that
this is the worst user interface in--
- [Justin] I've never seen anything like this,
you're moving this, like, along a grid
and it is taking it as vague suggestions.
Uh, not red, can we do a contrasting color?
I feel like it's getting a little sa--
Aww, man!
- [Griffin] Holy shit, that's her power butterfly.
- [Justin] That's so cool.
- [Griffin] Well now "Bless" wants us to cut the flesh.
Now "Bless" wants us to desecrate the flesh.
And I dunno, I don't think so.
I mean, how big can we make 'em.
- [Justin] (sighs) Fine, how big can we make 'em.
- [Griffin] If we gotta make 'em, let's make 'em big.
- [Justin] (sighs) Fine.
That's a cool scar, the one you have.
- [Griffin] Well that's just a big freakin' hole, isn't it?
- [Justin] Bullet hole, can't bring her down.
GSW, unstoppable.
- [Griffin] That would stop, I think, most folks.
But we'll hide it up in the hair.
When you lift it in the hair, yeah,
she did get brought back like a, y'know,
like a magical Jon Snow.
- [Justin] ♪ Spiritual sequel to Harry P-- (cracks up) ♪
You probably did get it just from reading them,
but the entire time, Harry Potter was a terribly scarred
and tattooed elf with giant eyes.
- [Griffin] So badly scarred.
"I'm just like Harry Potter, do you see my lightning scar?"
Yeah, it's pretty grisly.
And what happened to your fucking neck?
"Don't worry about it."
- [Justin] The whole thing seems, like, wild.
- [Griffin] Do we have too much stuff on the face?
- [Justin] I feel like the story
might have gotten muddled with a C-plot or two.
(Griffin laughs)
No. - Why not?
- [Justin] I hate it.
- [Griffin] Lift hair.
That's cool.
- [Justin] It's not cool.
I don't think it's cool, aesthetically.
I don't think--
that's cool.
- [Griffin] All right, yeah, give me wrinkles in one zone.
- [Justin] Right, those are her (laughs)
Those are her confusion lines.
And that just means that she's lived a very confusing life.
(Both laugh)
Those are her squinting lines.
- [Griffin] That's really good.
- [Justin] She looks at the sun too much,
that's one thing about her.
I got, oops!
It got Gaga.
Oops, it got Gaga somehow.
- [Griffin] Oh no, it did get Gaga, didn't it?
- [Justin] Why did the wrinkles take it to Gaga?
- [Griffin] I don't know, she's not a wrinkled woman.
- [Justin] What is happen--
But it did, right?
- It did, yeah, for sure. - You saw it, I saw it.
We all saw it.
- [Griffin] Wait, why does, hey, why does?
- [Justin] Listen, the height's gotta come from somewhere.
And in this case (laughs)
- [Griffin] Wait, for real though.
- [Justin] That's where the height comes in.
- [Both] Okay.
- [Justin] No, okay, all right, okay.
- [Griffin] Wow, extremely tall I actually quite--
I know it's our tendency to make lil' morsels--
- Oh, I like this. - but very tall I actually...
- [Justin] I like that she's got a kind of like
Garry Oldman as old Dracula vibe, with the hands.
It's like very...
- [Griffin] Oh, yeah, for sure.
Yikes.
Breast height, yikes.
- [Justin] Here we go.
My favorite "Monster Factory" segment.
(crickets chirp)
Wait, no, not that one.
(Seinfeld jingle) There we go.
- [Griffin] (laughs) Jesus, Justin.
What does this do?
I guess adjusts the height of the hip, but...
If the hips are in there...
- [Justin] I dunno, we lost the hips a while ago.
- (laughs) We lost the hips. - We said bye-bye.
Bye-bye to the hips.
Whoa, whoa!
- [Griffin] Yeah.
- [Justin] That's actually giving me a bit of vertigo.
(laughs) She's a little too high off the ground.
- [Griffin] Oh, we can go further--
Holy fucking shit!
- [Justin] Damn!
This is good.
This is a good video game.
- [Griffin] Holy Christ!
- [Justin] It looks like you were making a Barbie
and you ran out of plastic.
- [Griffin] Oh my god, she beats ass.
- [Justin] What is her name, though?
- [Griffin] What's gonna get across,
I mean, something like, you know,
Galadriel, some sort of elf bullshit,
but also gets across the fact
that she is an eleven foot tall Mrs. Goodbody.
- [Justin] Mrs. Goodbody is kinda cool,
except I think there was a Mrs. Goodbody.
- [Griffin] Well what about Tamatha Radbody?
- [Justin] Tamatha Radbody is the right one.
Wow!
You got it so fast, and it makes me really delighted.
- [Griffin] Thank you
- [Justin] Usually there's a longer walk,
but Tamatha Radbody!
- [Griffin] Tammy to her friends.
- [Justin] Tammy to her friends.
Let's learn about health and the forests.
- [Griffin] Savage Fighter?
Well, no, she's got the wisdom of the ages.
All right, let's see what "Bless" is all about, then.
- [Justin] All right, then.
- [Griffin] What if it's fuckin' great?
- [Justin] Yeah, what if it's great
and the critics got it wrong this time.
- [Griffin] I hope there's an introductory cutscene.
- [Justin] Mmm.
- [Griffin] "This is 'Bless'"
- [Justin] "'Bless,' everyone in this is a priest."
- [Griffin] "This one's 'Bless.'
"There's angels, they've fallen,
"and you must save the queen."
"In 'Bless,' you can kiss."
(Justin laughs)
"There's a kissing button."
All right.
I am glowing a lot.
Wow, the game's throwing a lot at me very quickly, huh?
(Justin laughs)
W-W is sprint, 'kay.
- 'Kay, easy - Good to know.
QWES is move.
Wait, QWES?
QWES?
Who uses-- who the fuck uses QWES?
- [Justin] QWES.
- [Griffin] It looks like she's wearing leggings,
but don't get it twisted, that's muscles and bones, folks.
- [Justin] Yeah folks, that's where the bones be.
- [Griffin] I like how for a second, if you zoom in on her,
the camera gets confused because of her sort of ratios,
(Justin laughs)
and it zooms in on the kneecaps for like a split second.
It's like oop, no wait!
- [Justin] Okay, yep, right, sorry!
- [Griffin] Okay, let's zoom right in
oh wait that's the knees!
(Justin laughs)
Let's go.
- [Justin] That's where her body should be at, I'm sorry.
- [Griffin] Welcome to "Bless,"
hey I heard something about an angel or a queen--
"Conversations can be initiated by pressing the F key"
- [Justin] That's what I'm saying.
Welcome to the world, my name is Olier.
No, they spelled it right, that's how it is.
My name? It's Olier.
- [Griffin] Olier, come to the knowledge academy.
Stop jumping so high.
It's the only way I can jump.
(Justin laughs)
Am I level four?
Look at the UI down there at the bottom.
I think I'm level four.
- [Justin] It looks like, yes, that says level four.
"Our market research told us
"the first three levels are boring."
- [Griffin] "You're just gonna kill
"some bugs and rats and stuff."
- [Justin] (laughs) "And we skipped it."
- [Griffin] "We skipped it,
"now you're straight on to skeletons, baby!"
- [Justin] "We just skip to the part where your dad dies."
(laughs) That's the best part of any of these.
One chain, one chain, two chain, three chain finish.
- [Griffin] Finish!
- [Justin] Finish, chain break.
- [Griffin] Aw, I broke my frickin' chain, didn't I?
That's me, clumsy, breaking the chains.
- Man, I love how the UI tells you
that the chain is broken, that's very helpful.
- [Griffin] So if I hit 1, 2, and R,
which makes a lot of sense for me,
and boy, if I can just get to level 19 I'll get that 3.
- [Justin] (laughs) It's just fifteen levels away.
And with this game, who knows,
it may, like, skip the odd levels.
- [Griffin] Yeah, if I talk to Olier
I might get, like, five levels.
- [Justin] "Don't look up at the stairs, it's the same me."
"Hey, good shooting the scarecrow, here's some baguettes."
(Justin laughs)
"I was gonna eat it for lunch, now you got it.
"Oh, you already got five?
"Damn." (laughs)
"Maybe you should give me some baguettes!" (cracks up)
- [Griffin] "Why'd you eat my baguette if you have five?!"
(Justin laughs)
- [Justin] You got so many, I'm stuck (cracks up)
- [Griffin] "Now I gotta shoot the scarecrows just to--"
(Drowned out by Justin's laughter)
- [Justin] "Lemme use your bow real quick, I'm starving."
- [Griffin] "Place the snipe tactic combat stance
"in an empty slot on the chain skill tab."
(Justin exhales)
Uh oh.
(Justin laughs)
Snipe tactics...
- [Justin] Welcome to the world of "Bless,"
do you wanna balance our taxes?
- [Griffin] Select targeting ski--
Wow, this is a lot.
- [Justin] (exhales) This is like
the beginning of your game.
- [Griffin] Press the 1 key to fire,
press R to keep it goin',
hold R, press the tilde key.
Tilde, huh?
Don't use that one very often.
- [Justin] (laughs) Wow.
- [Griffin] Activate lesser demon in the knowledge aca--
- [Justin] What are you talking about?
- [Griffin] Oh, I gotta beat this dude's ass.
- [Justin] I think he's your best friend.
- [Griffin] Wait, I can't use it.
It's in cooldown.
Do something!
I hit tilde.
Tilde was the secret the whole time.
(Justin laughs)
- [Justin] Yeah, Griffin, it's a very common
video game key to press.
- [Griffin] Fuck yeah, look how
full of arrows this idiot is!
(Justin laughs)
I made that happen.
- [Justin] And you made him.
You brought him into this world,
and then you took him right back out.
- [Griffin] That was my son.
- [Justin] Can you see Olier at the top of the stairs?
- [Griffin] I wanna get to a place where I can see both.
- [Justin] Or does she move?
Maybe she moved.
- [Griffin] She does not fucking move, there's no way.
Okay, she's gone from here.
- [Justin] Okay, so she moved, she just teleported I guess?
- [Griffin] She was in both places, we have footage.
(dramatic music)
- [Griffin] Wait, what'd she give me this time?
Whoa, fuck, what?!
- [Justin] Damn, damn, what?
- [Griffin] Guys, I just started!
- [Justin] I'm only level (laughs) four!
This is why you're level four,
so you'd be ready for this.
- [Griffin] Tilde, tilde, tilde, tilde!
- [Justin] Aw, this is one of those
you're supposed to die, gotta be.
One of that classic "Final Fantasy" supposed to die.
- [Griffin] "Revive inside."
Wake me up!
♪ Revive inside. ♪
What?
Is this death?
Have I been touched by an angel?
- [Justin] "Believe it or not,
"I'm the accessories merchant."
(Griffin laughs)
- [Griffin] "Would you like a bangle?"
(Justin laughs)
- [Justin] "It will increase your attack percentages too."
- [Griffin] "It will cost you
"four and 99th of one American dollar."
- [Justin] Why are you shining?
Olier's back?!
- [Griffin] Wait, what the fuck?!
(Justin laughs)
All right, let's go learn about the tree of life.
Olier, thanks for all your help,
I'm gonna leave you with something.
Stink bomb, boosh!
(Justin laughs)
Oh.
Stay there, don't move.
- [Justin] No wait, hold on.
- [Griffin] For three seconds.
Butt's not allowed!
Hold up, butt's not allowed but ass is allowed.
- [Justin] Ass is?!
(Justin laughs)
What, what on Earth?
(Smooth jazz cover of "Bring Me to Life")
- Hey everybody, quick programming note,
in the near future we're gonna be publishing
new episodes of "Monster Factor"
just on the McElroy family YouTube channel,
so if you aren't already subscribed to that,
you'll wanna go ahead and do that.
- [Griffin] Smash it, baby!
- [Justin] Griffin, I asked you not to.
I begged you not to.
- [Griffin] Mmmm, smash that!