WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW, I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
YOU KNOW, OVER THE YEARS I HAVE TALKED ONE OR TWO TIMES ABOUT
FOX NEWS HOST AND BOLD FRESH PIECE OF HUMANITY, BILL
O'REILLY.
NOW, LIKE HIM OR NOT, HE HAS HAD THE NUMBER-ONE CABLE NEWS SHOW
FOR 15 YEARS.
UNTIL TODAY.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) BECAUSE BILL O'REILLY HAS BEEN
FIRED BY FOX NEWS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) HERE'S THE DEAL.
BILL O'REILLY FANS HERE TONIGHT.
REALLY NICE TO SEE THEM.
NOW, BILL AND I DID NOT SEE EYE TO EYE ON REQUESTING ANYTHING.
I'VE DONE MY SHARE OF JOKES ABOUT HIM AND ALSO STOLE HIS
MICROWAVE, BUT HE'S BEEN A GUEST ON THIS SHOW, AND I TAKE NO
PLEASURE IN HIS DOWNFALL.
I'M NOT GOING TO SIT HERE AND PUBLICLY GLOAT.
JIMMY, CAN YOU TAKE THE CAMERA OFF ME FOR A SECOND?
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
♪ ♪ ♪ IT'S NOT THAT BIG OF A SURPRISE
I GUESS, YOU KNOW.
WE ALL SAW THIS COMING AT US, YOU KNOW, LIKE AN OLD MAN
CORNERING AN INTERN IN THE BREAK ROOM.
O'REILLY HAS BEEN ACCUSED OF SEXUAL HARASSMENT FOR YEARS.
WAS IT YESTERDAY?
JUST YESTERDAY, AN AFRICAN AMERICAN WOMAN AT FOX CAME
FORWARD CLAIMING O'REILLY USED TO LEER AT HER "AND CALL HER
"HOT CHOCOLATE."
I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE SAYING-- "THAT'S REALLY SEXIST."
YEAH, BUT REMEMBER, IT'S ALSO PRETTY RACIST.
NOW, WHILE THIS HAS BEEN BLOWING UP STATESIDE, O'REILLY HAS BEEN
VACATIONING IN ITALY, AND JUST THIS MORNING WAS SPOTTED SHAKING
HANDS WITH THE POPE.
THINGS WERE GOING GREAT UNTIL O'REILLY CALLED HIM "WHITE
CHOCOLATE."
PET NAME.
IT'S A PET NAME.
O'REILLY IS SUDDENLY OFF THE AIR.
LIKE, A WEEK AGO HE WAS ON, TWO WEEKS AGO, HE WAS ON.
SUDDENLY, GONE.
THIS IS HUGE.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING AT YOUR FRONT YARD AND THE OAK TREE IS JUST
GONE.
I'M SURE THE OAK TREE SAID SOME DISTURBING THINGS ABOUT
YOUNG BLACK MEN, WITH THEIR RAP AND THEIR NECK TATTOOS, BUT
DAMNIT, THAT TREE HAS BEEN THERE FOREVER, AND GRANDPA LIKED TO
JUST SIT AND STARE AT IT.
AND THEN THE TREE WOULD SELL HIM GOLD COINS AND SELF-LUBRICATING
CATHETERS.
NOW, FOX ISSUED AN OFFICIAL STATEMENT THIS AFTERNOON ON
O'REILLY'S DISMISSAL.
I THINK THEY JUST TOOK THE ROGER AILES STATEMENT AND JUST CHANGED
THE NOUNS.
THEY CELEBRATED O'REILLY'S CAREER, SAYING, "BY 'RATINGS'
STANDARDS, BILL O'REILLY IS ONE OF THE MOST ACCOMPLISHED TV
PERSONALITIES IN THE HISTORY OF CABLE NEWS."
>> Audience: BOO!
>> Stephen: NO, NO, NO, BY RATING STANDS HE IS.
BY MORAL STANDARDS, HE WAS A SELF-RIGHTEOUS LANDFILL OF ANGRY
GARBAGE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) GARBAGE.
GARBAGE FANS.
>> Jon: GARBAGE FANS IN THE HOUSE.
>> Stephen: HERE'S THE THING-- I OWE A LOT TO BILL O'REILLY.
I SPENT OVER NINE YEARS PLAYING A CHARACTER BASED LARGELY ON HIM
AND THEN 12 MONTHS IN THERAPY TO DEBLOVIATE MYSELF.
( LAUGHTER ) SO, TONIGHT, WE AT "THE LATE
SHOW" ARE PROUD TO ISSUE A STATEMENT FROM BILL O'REILLY'S
BIGGEST FAN, CONSERVATIVE PUNDIT STEPHEN COLBERT.
HELLO, NATION.
SHAME ON YOU.
YOU FAILED HIM.
YOU FAILED THE UMBILICAL BROTHERS.
YOU DIDN'T DESERVE THIS GREAT MAN.
ALL HE EVER DID WAS HAVE YOUR BACK, AND IF YOU'RE A WOMAN, YOU
KNOW, HAVE A GO AT THE FRONT, TOO.
AND WHAT?
SUDDENLY SEXUAL HARASSMENT'S A CRIME?
BUT THAT'S THE COUNTRY WE LIVE IN NOW-- OBAMA'S TRUMP'S
AMERICA.
I GUESS I ALWAYS KNEW THIS DAY WOULD COME.
WHEN I FIRST SAW BILL ON TV, I KNEW IN MY HEART THAT NO ONE
COULD POSSIBLY SUSTAIN SUCH A BROAD CHARACTER FOR THAT LONG.
SO, BILL, I INVITE TO YOU COME LIVE IN A MOUNTAIN CABIN WITH ME
AND JON STEWART.
IT'S FUN.
YOU'LL LIKE IT.
WE'VE GOT AN ANIMAL SANCTUARY.
JON AND I MILK THE GOATS.
AND SOON, I HOPE, WE'LL BE MILKING YOU.
( LAUGHTER ) STAY STRONG, PAPA BEAR.
OH, GOD!
IS THIS REALLY HAPPENING?
>> Stephen: THAT'S IT.
IT'S OVER.
END OF AN ERA.
THE END OF AN ERA.
IT LOOKS LIKE O'REILLY MAY BE OUT OF A JOB.
BUT, LUCKILY, HE STILL HAS HIS PUBLISHING EMPIRE.
HE'S THE AUTHOR OF "KILLING LINCOLN," "KILLING KENNEDY," AND
HIS LATEST BOOK, "KILLING MY CAREER."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
BUT, LISTEN, IN CASE-- DON'T FORGET, IN CASE YOU'RE A FAN OF
SEXUAL HARASSERS WHO ARE STILL ON TV ALL THE TIME, WE STILL
HAVE TRUMP.
BECAUSE TODAY THE NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS VISITED THE WHITE
HOUSE.
IT'S AN HONOR TO BE INVITED TO THE WHITE HOUSE.
WHICH IS WHY SO MANY PATRIOTS TURNED OUT FOR THE OCCASION.
OOPS, SORRY, THAT'S FROM TWO YEARS AGO WHEN OBAMA WAS
PRESIDENT.
JIMMY, CAN YOU ADD THE PHOTO FROM TODAY?
YIKES.
LOOKS LIKE TOM BRADY DEFLATED THE ENTIRE TEAM.
STILL, THOUGH, STILL, STILL A BIGGER CROWD THAN HIS
INAUGURATION.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) INAUGURATION.
OH, SPEAKING OF ELECTIONS.
SPEAKING OF ELECTIONS.
HUGE ELECTION LAST NIGHT I GEORGIA'S SIXTH DISTRICT.
DID YOU FOLLOW THIS?
IIT WAS AN UNUSUAL ELECTION.
IT WAS WHAT'S CALLED A "JUNGLE PRIMARY," BECAUSE LIKE EVERY
ELECTION THIS YEAR, IT WILL PROBABLY END IN MADNESS AND
CANNIBALISM.
THE BALLOT FEATURED ELEVEN REPUBLICANS FACING OFF AGAINST
THE ONE DEMOCRAT, DOCUMENTARY FILMMAKER AND MAN WHO WORKED A
LITTLE TOO HARD TO MAKE IT LOOK LIKE HE DOESN'T CARE ABOUT HIS
HAIR, JON OSSOFF.
NOW, LAST NIGHT, DEMOCRATS INITIALLY GOT THEIR HOPES UP
AFTER SEEING PROMISING EARLY VOTE RETURNS
DEMOCRATS, DID YOU LEARN NOTHING FROM NOVEMBER?
"OH, LOOK AT ALL THE EGGS WE HAVE IN THIS BASKET.
I'M GOING TO COUNT THOSE NO, I'M GOING TO TEACH THEM
CALCULUS."
NOW, SURE ENOUGH, OSSOFF ONLY GOT "48.1% OF THE VOTE."
IF HE HAD GOTTEN OVER 50% OF THE VOTE, HE WOULD HAVE WON
OUTRIGHT, BUT HE GOT LESS THAN THE MAJORITY, SO NOW I THINK HE
GETS TO BE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES.