Let's talk about the southern border.
It's Trump's greatest challenge
since that six-piece jigsaw puzzle.
You see, he swallowed two of the pieces
so he never stood a chance.
Trump has made the southern border his mission,
and he said he's gonna fix the border, but ironically,
his policies have only exacerbated the backlog there,
and this past weekend,
it may have reached its worst point yet.
WOMAN: Crisis at the border.
Customs and border protection officials say
they are overwhelmed and over capacity.
WOMAN 2: The immigration system is past the breaking point
because of a surge of families
from Central America asking for asylum.
MAN: Last month, more than 75,000 people were apprehended,
the highest in over a decade.
Homeland Security Secretary Kirstjen Nielson
called the surge or migrant arrivals, "a dire situation,"
and said the agency is facing a "system-wide meltdown."
The El Paso sector saw such a spike in migrants
that last week, officials here say they were forced
to house some of them under this border bridge.
They've now been moved to another facility.
Wow. There were so many migrants
that they had to be kept under a bridge.
That is messed up.
Because there's no place worse than under a bridge, all right?
Yeah, bridges-- the under part makes everything sadder, okay?
Birthday party-- fun.
Birthday party under a bridge-- sad, okay?
Marriage proposal-- romantic.
Marriage proposal under a bridge--
the opening of Law & Order: SVU.
(laughter)
Now part of the reason
that there are so many migrants are coming up is
that their home countries are plagued by violence,
and people don't have money.
And when Trump heard this, he decided to help them out
by getting rid of all their money problems once and for all.
MAN: He also announced yesterday--
and the State Department confirmed--
that, uh, we will be cutting payments, aid payments,
to El Salvador, Guatemala and Honduras
over the fact that those countries have been unable
to contain the flood of migrants
heading through Mexico,
uh, to our southern border.
All right, now, first of all, did Fox News really label
Honduras, El Salvador and Guatemala
as three Mexican countries?
(laughter, groaning)
That's-that's what it says there, right? Yeah?
That must have been terrifying for people who watch Fox News.
Just like, "Honey, the Mexicos are multiplying!
Lock the doors!"
(laughter)
And here's the thing with cutting funding.
Trump's own administration has said that without aid
to these countries,
the migrant problem could become even worse for America.
It's like when-when my apartment had a mouse problem.
I thought I could fix it
by bringing in a bunch of stray cats, right?
But then I had a cat problem, so I had to get a bunch of coyotes.
Long story short, now I run a giraffe fighting ring.
-(laughter) -It doesn't work!
And for the people who are worried that Trump is only
gonna increase the number of migrants, don't worry.
Uh, the president already has a solution for that.
He's going to slap a "closed" sign at the bottom of America.
WOMAN: President Trump threatening to shut down
the border as early as this week
if he doesn't get what he wants.
We have right now two big caravans coming up
from Guatemala, massive caravans.
Now they're gonna stop 'em,
and if they don't stop 'em, we're closing the border.
They will close it, and we'll-we'll keep it closed
for a long time. I'm not playing games.
Why does Trump sound like a drunk guy
who's about to fight Mexico in a parking lot?
"Don't try me, Mexico! I'm not playing games!
(slurring his words): You want to... you want to try me?
Well, try-try me. Aah! Aah! Aah!"
(laughter)
Also, if you're wondering where Trump got the idea
to close the southern border,
it's probably something he took from his personal life.
He was like, uh, "Last month,
"Melania shut down her southern border.
"And it worked, folks.
Now I wash both my hands before I eat."
(laughter)
Now, in case you're wondering,
shutting down the U.S.-Mexico border
wouldn't just hurt the hombres down south. No.
There would also be more painful consequences here in the U.S.,
because economists have warned
that a closed border could affect
five million American jobs
and over $600 billion in trade.
Yeah. And if you think a border shutdown won't affect you
because you don't live or work around the border,
well, you might want to think again.
WOMAN: The U.S.-- listen to this--
would run out of avocados in three weeks
if President Trump shuts down the border with Mexico.
Did you hear that?
(laughter)
Hear that? That's the sound of yoga moms
all over America freaking out right now.
"Where will I get my healthy fats?!"
(laughter)
So once again, Donald Trump has shown
there's no problem he can't make twice as bad.
Because you realize,
if white people can't get avocados in America,
they're gonna start fleeing to Mexico,
and now there's gonna be a crisis
on both sides of the border.