In popular psychology, , few topics get as much hype as “GRATITUDE” – the feeling
of being thankful and showing appreciation.
Even I’ve made an episode about it!
Gratitude can be good for you and your health.
But this hype got me thinking: is there such a thing as too much gratitude?
Can some “thank yous” do more harm than good?
I stumbled across “Insincere gratitude” – the sciencey term for something we've
all experienced – when someone says "thank you" and you wonder if they’re being sincere
or sarcastic.
So how, exactly, is gratitude beneficial?
And… can it go wrong?
Let’s start with the good stuff – the benefits of expressing gratitude.
I hope you’ve experienced that warm fuzzy feeling when a friend or partner tells you
how much they appreciate you.
But in addition to the warm fuzzies, scientists have found there are benefits for gratefulness
in romantic relationships and in forming new friendships.
For example, research shows that expressing gratitude towards a potential friend makes
them more interested in hearing from you and spending time with you in the future.
But just saying “Thank you” isn’t enough.
A recent study showed that couples who expressed more gratitude had increased marital satisfaction
– but only if these expressions were perceived as sincere.
If the gratitude didn’t feel genuine, marital satisfaction actually got worse.
Sincerity can be hard to define, so researchers have also looked at partner responsiveness
- how much your partner is understanding, validating, and caring.
It also affects how people respond to gratitude.
Researchers found that couples assigned to express gratitude for a month had higher relationship
satisfaction than control couples, but only if the “thanked” person felt understood,
validated, and respected by their partner.
If the “thanker” didn’t show understanding and empathy, their gratitude had no effect.
They might as well have been talking about what they had for lunch that day!
Another study on insincere gratitude looked at the effect of thank you letters sent to
donors by charities.
When these letters asked for an additional favour – like more money, or following them
on social media – recent or frequent donors responded by decreasing their donations.
Researchers think the additional ask made the thank you letter appear insincere – just
a way to manipulate the donor into giving more money.
Thankfully, there are some simple tricks that you can use to keep your gratitude sincere
and effective.
First, show understanding and empathy when you’re expressing gratitude!
This means being a good listener, demonstrating compassion and understanding, and valuing
people’s abilities and opinions.
So if your partner is excited about learning to cook, you could tell them you appreciate
the skill and hard work they put into making dinner – this shows that you’re paying
attention and value their passions and new skills.
Second, use language that praises others instead of focusing on yourself!
So for the cooking example, you could tell them how much you appreciate their curiosity
and drive to learn new skills instead of simply saying how great it is that you didn’t have
to cook.
Studies show that this language increased the receiver’s positive emotions and love
for their partner.
Finally, don’t say thanks and ask for more favours at the same time!
It comes off as insincere and can actually have a negative impact on your relationships.
When gratitude is done right, it can help bring people closer together.
But when it’s done wrong – like when it’s perceived as insincere or manipulative – it
can have the opposite effect.
So pay attention to when and how you say thanks!
Small improvements in the ways we express gratitude can have big benefits
for our well-being and relationships.