FRIENDS, LIKE A LOT OF YOU, I STRUGGLE TO KEEP FIT AND
EAT RIGHT.
SADLY, I RECENTLY LEARNED THAT COOL RANCH IS NOT A VEGETABLE.
ALL I ASK IS A WAY TO TAKE OFF THE POUNDS WITHOUT EXERCISING OR
CHANGING WHAT I EAT OR HOW MUCH OF IT I EAT.
OTHER THAN THAT, I'M WILLING TO DO ANYTHING.
WELL, ANYTHING HAS FINALLY ARRIVED, AND IT'S CALLED "ASPIRE
ASSIST."
>> THE ASPIRE ASSIST WORKS BY REMOVING A PORTION
OF THE FOOD THROUGH A TUBE IN THE STOMACH BEFORE IT IS
ABSORBED.
YOUR DOCTOR WILL INSERT A NEEDLE THROUGH YOUR SKIN TO YOUR
STOMACH.
AFTER A MEAL, FOOD TRAVELS TO THE STOMACH, WHERE IT IS
TEMPORARILY STORED AND DIGESTION BEGINS.
WHEN THE LEVER IS ROTATED, STOMACH CONTENTS BEGIN TO EMPTY
INTO THE TOILET.
>> Stephen: I'M SORRY.
I FORGOT TO PUT IN THE WARNING BEFORE THAT FOOTAGE.
I SHOULD HAVE SAID, "WARNING: THIS FOOTAGE MAY DISTURB
PEOPLE-- JUST PEOPLE."
( LAUGHTER ) I'M PRETTY IMPRESSED.
THAT'S MACHINE-ASSISTED ABDOMINAL VOMITING.
WHAT A TIME SAVER.
ONCE YOUR DOCTOR INSTALLS THE ASPIRE ASSIST, THE TUBE EXITS
YOUR ABDOMEN THROUGH WHAT THE FOLKS AT ASPIRE CALL A
SKIN PORT.
BECAUSE THAT SOUNDS A LOT BETTER THAN PIZZA DRAIN.
( LAUGHTER ) AND IT'S CONVENIENTLY SMALL.
ACCORDING TO THE FOLKS AT SPIRE THE PORT IS "POKER CHIP SIZED."
BECAUSE YOU JUST WALKED INTO THE WEIGHT-LOSS CASINO, AND YOU'RE
BETTING IT ALL ON A SLOT MACHINE IN YOUR RIBCAGE.
THIS MIGHT BE A LIFE-SAVING PROCEEDURE FOR PEOPLE WITH NO
OTHER OPTIONS, BUT SO FAR, MANY PATIENTS ARE ENJOYING THEIR
CHEST-MOUNTED BARF-BOT SO MUCH, THEY SAY THEY WANT TO KEEP IT
FOREVER.
>> 70% OF PATIENTS WERE PLEASED ENOUGH WITH THE RESULTS THAT
THEY ASKED TO KEEP THE TUBE IN INDEFINITELY.
>> Stephen: THAT'S RIGHT, A FULL 70% OF PATIENTS SAID, "THANK YOU
FOR TEARING ME A NEW ONE."
( LAUGHTER ) AND SOME OF ASPIRE'S CUSTOMERS
HAVE COMPLETELY BOUGHT INTO THE ASPIRE LIFESTYLE, WITH ONE
SAYING, "IF I HAVE TO CONTINUE TO FLUSH MY STOMACH EVERY DAY OR
EVERY OTHER DAY, SO BE IT."
I CAN DRINK MY BEER OR WINE IF I WANT TO, AND THEN I CAN JUST LET
GO OF 30%.
WOW, THAT PATIENT REALLY DRANK THE ASPIRE KOOL-AID, THEN
QUICKLY PUMPED IT INTO THE TOILET.
( LAUGHTER ) THE APSIRE WAS DEVELOPED BY A
TEAM OF DOCTORS AND DEAN KAMEN, INVENTOR OF THE SEGWAY.
FOR SOME REASON, TAKING LONG WALKS ON SEGWAYS ISN'T HELPING
PEOPLE LOSE WEIGHT.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND!
LAYOFF LAUGH BUT SURPRISINGLY, THERE IS ONE MAJOR DOWNSIDE TO
THE ASPIRE ASSIST.
ACCORDING TO ONE PATIENT, "YOU HAVE TO BE WILLING TO CHEW YOUR
FOOD."
WHAT!
COME ON!
CHEW MY FOOD?!
BUT THAT'LL WASTE VALUABLE TIME I COULD BE EATING!
THAT'S WHY I'M INTRODUCING MY OWN REVOLUTIONARY, NEW
SURGICALLY-ASSISTED DIET PRODUCT: STEPHEN COLBERT'S
ESOPHAGORGE!
THE MOST POSSIBLY SAFE WEIGHT-LOSS SYSTEM THAT LETS YOU
EAT WHATEVER YOU WANT, HOWEVER YOU WANT, AS LONG AS IT'S
EXACTLY LIKE THIS.
HERE'S HOW IT WORKS: FIRST, OUR ESOPHAGORGE
NUTRI-SURGEONS CUT A HOLE IN THE BASE OF YOUR SKULL THE SIZE OF A
NOBEL PRIZE FOR MEDICINE, GIVING YOUR FOOD A DIRECT CHANNEL FROM
THE OPENING OF YOUR MOUTH OUT THE BACK OF YOUR HEAD.
AND DON'T WORRY ABOUT MAKING A MESS BECAUSE THE ESOPHAGORGE
ALSO COMES WITH A CONVENIENT NECK HOPPER.
IT'S THE LATEST IN BARBERSHOP SINK TECHNOLOGY, WITH THE ADDED
COMFORT OF CARRYING IT AROUND ALL THE TIME.
THE ESPOPHAGORGE HANDY DIET ROD THEN SCREWS INTO YOUR SPINE,
ALLOWING FOR A PLEASANT 15-DEGREE TILT.
AND NOW THAT YOU'RE IMMOBILE, THE CONVENIENCE REALLY BEGINS.
SIMPLY USE THE ESOPHAGORGE'S PATENTED NUTRI-SCOOP TO CYCLE
THE CONTENTS OF THE NECK HOPPER BACK INTO YOUR FACE HOLE THROUGH
THE WELLNESS FUNNEL, COMPLETING THE HOAGIE CYCLE, AND MELTING
AWAY THE POUNDS.
>> AHH!
AND THE BEST PART IS, YOU KNOW IT'S ALL YOUR FAVORITE FOODS,
BECAUSE YOU'VE ALREADY EATEN THEM.
ESOPHAGORGE: NO DIET.
NO EXERCISE.
NO TEETH REQUIRED.