I can't believe I'm finally back.
I know it's been so long.
Did you miss me?
Of course I missed you.
You look fantastic.
Did you didn't want to invite me, or what?
No.
Or was it a pandemic?
Because that's everyone's excuse for everything
now, the pandemic.
Yeah, that was the excuse, but couldn't escape you.
I haven't seen you since like Modern Family.
I know, since we had all of you on at the--
The group.
It was like three years ago, right?
Was it?
Yeah, I think it was.
Do you not know when your show ended?
No, I don't want to think about it.
Yeah, well--
The show didn't end three years ago.
It ended a year and a half ago.
One year ago.
But I miss it, so I don't think about bad things.
Oh.
You miss me, so you don't think about bad things.
I miss you, but I miss Modern Family more.
Well, I miss you, and I'm glad to see you.
Thank you for being here.
No, thank you.
Thank you for having me.
I was so excited when they told me that you finally
had invited me.
Oh my God.
You are welcome any time, you know that.
Let's talk about your doggie.
You got a dog, and it doesn't like you.
I don't have a dog.
Yeah.
It's not mine.
Joe has a dog.
It was a dog that was-- look at her.
Idiot.
It's a chihuahua?
I mean--
It's an idiot?
It doesn't even look like a chihuahua.
It's like, it looks like it's some kind of teddy bear.
Look at them.
Yeah.
It's like, I don't even know why I live with them anymore.
Yeah, so you got the dog.
It was for me.
Did you get it, or did Joe get it for you?
No, I got it for myself.
She arrived, and completely ignored me,
went straight to him.
She has taken everything that was mine.
It's not laughing thing.
Yeah.
It's horrible.
She has taken my husband.
My bed.
You know--
She sleeps in bed with you?
Not with me, with Joe.
They sleep together, and I sleep there on the other side.
It's like it has become something so weird,
but I have to say it's her fault. It's not Joe's fault.
She's obsessed with him.
Yeah, well, he's easy to obsess over.
He's a--
Yes, but not to that level.
It's like she hates me.
If he has to go away for work or something-- a meeting--
and she knows that she has to stay with me in the house.
She knows she has to deal with me,
but she won't do eye contact.
It's always looking out.
I put her here, and she's always looking out.
Every little noise, every little thing, the garage door--
it's just--
she cannot enjoy the time with me?
No.
It's just I know I have to sit with you because you're
the other person here in this house, but she hates me.
I have that with my three dogs.
They prefer Portia.
The three of them?
All three, so I have the same situation.
Oh, so you must be worse than me.
I must be.
I think I'm pretty good to them, but they just really love her
more.
And it's frustrating because I feed them too.
I do things, you know.
So what I was thinking then maybe
I need to get another dog, but it
could happen that the next dog could fall in love
with him and not with me.
No, I was going to suggest that.
I think you should get another dog.
What's the dog's name?
Phoebe?
Bobo?
Bubbles.
This one is Bubbles.
I was just making a name up.
We adopted her, and she came with that name.
We rescued her.
That was her name, Bubbles.
You can change it, you know.
I've changed names.
Yes, but how horrible to change someone
that is already six years old.
In dog years, she was like, what?
Like 50 something, so change her name for no reason--
to put what kind of name?
Taquito, or Burrito, or what?
It doesn't have to be Taquito or Burrito.
You could come up with anything other than Bubbles.
They will get used to it.
We've rescued animals and changed their names.
Horrific.
It's not horrific.
Let's talk about you now.
Let's look at this picture, and tell me when this happened,
and what the hell you were doing.
Oh, oh my God.
Yeah, well I posted recently this picture
and, and it's a mystery to me because, I
mean what could I have been doing in a shoe that big, first
of all.
Well, it's a prop.
It's not really a shoe, let's make sure we know that.
It's just a prop.
What do you mean, it's a high heel.
Yes, it's a-- OK, so--
What would have been the situation
that I decided this is a good idea to sit-in a red bikini,
I was super hot at the time though.
Yeah.
You look good.
I was young and fresh.
But you were modeling.
I was not modeling.
Well then what were you do-- you're not
working at an office.
I mean, what are you--
what are you doing?
I don't know.
It must have been--
I don't know.
I was doing something, but I don't really know.
And maybe people convinced me on doing things
that I didn't want to do.
I don't know.
How old were you there?
I must have been like 22, 23?
22.
Well you know, at that age, you'll do anything.
But I look great.
Well, I mean, I dated men so I know what you mean.
So, I mean, you did model, so that must have been--
Well, yeah, I did some modeling.
It was more like spokesperson kind of thing,
but I didn't do like fashion modeling or anything.
I must have been selling something there for sure.
Maybe I was selling that big shoe.
You're probably selling one big shoe.
Yeah, those were very popular.
It's a chair I think, so maybe--
I don't know.
I'll find out.
Somebody would text me, I think, or Instagram me, or something,
and tell me what it is, because I cannot remember what was I
doing.
OK.
What do you think I was doing?
I don't know.
I'm just going to--
It's a mystery, I'm telling you.
I know.
Do we have to go to break, Matt, or should I ask her
about eating all the time?
Well, first of all, I didn't know I was doing that.
I didn't know I had a problem, until people started
posting pictures of me eating.
And then I started to realize, like what is wrong with me?
But, you know, you have to give it to me that I'm always
long hours on the set.
You get bored, you get a little anxious,
and what else are you going to do?
Right.
But I have a technique that my makeup artist appreciate,
because you open your mouth really wide,
and you don't mess up your lipstick.
Yes.
So I know how to eat, and it doesn't mess up the lipstick.
It does look like you open your mouth very wide to eat.
But it's not just for fun.
It's for a practical--
yeah, and you put it in there, and it doesn't, the lipstick--
perfect.
Do you let it dissolve or do you chew?
No, I tell chew.
How am I going to swallow a banana or swallow a popcorn,
you can't.
You have to chew.
But once it's past the lips, you're fine.
You're good to go.
Why don't they create like a plastic thing,
like a funnel, and you can just funnel it into your mouth.
I mean, I guess that could be, but why
do I need that if I know how to do it perfectly without it.
That would be like a waste of my money, and for what?
I mean, I know how to do it.
I can teach it, but we don't have anything here to eat.
We should have brought something.
I would have taught you.
I'm sure we have some food, we'll bring you--
and you can show me how to do it.
We'll take a break.
We'll find some food.
Get something large, and let us--
No, no.
Yeah.
Get something very large.
I want to learn how to do it, because I don't
want to mess up my Chapstick.
Yeah.
We'll be back.
Sofia Vergara is here with us.
That was America's Got Talent, that was the season premiere.
I really didn't know if y'all were going to like him,
but tWitch and I liked him.
I mean, I don't know how far he's
going to make it in the competition,
but it was something that made us so happy,
so we wanted to give him the opportunity
Oh yeah.
I'm glad you did, because that was hilarious.
It was fantastic.
I mean, there was so much great talent on the premiere.
The magician was incredible.
Did you like it?
I loved him.
I don't understand how he did that.
And then the three, the guys that sang,
and then the young Black kid that
was the singer, the comedian, and then the--
The comedian!
I don't know, listen, it's like--
I tell you, I'm so lucky.
We saw 200 people.
We enjoy it.
We were there, and you're being entertained by the best
entertainers of the world.
So--
It's a great job.
I'm so lucky.
Yeah, you are lucky.
Sofia, we're going to take a break,
and then you and I are going to play Burning Questions.
We're going to--
I know, Ellen, don't start.
Just going to learn a lot more about you.
That's all I'm saying.
All right?
OK.
Yep.
Don't be so excited.
Yeah.
We'll be back.