hey everybody and welcome back to part 2 of the
betrayed spouse I am your host dr. Donnelly's Snipes
after a betrayal after an emotional assault that occurs as a result of a betrayal it's important
for us to regroup and one of the first things that we need to do is remember that we can't
change the past it's happened it is what it is and we can't predict the future all we can do
is be aware of what's going on in the moment and focus on using our energy purposefully to improve
the next moment to do the next right thing to get us toward where we want to be some of the things
that can help us is starting to envision what does a rich and meaningful life look like now
and if you want to think about it in terms of a television series okay this is a the culmination
of the season and the cliffhanger you know the main character finds out that he or she has been
betrayed by their spouse dun dun dun okay next season what is that going to look like how is
that main character going to recover and evolve and grow from this experience instead of letting
it destroy them you know how is that going to play out it is what it is it's happened it was
written into the script we saw the episode we can't take it back recognizing that it's okay
to say I feel how I feel today you may feel numb you may feel angry you may feel guilty you may
feel resentful you may feel a sense of relief that finally I'm out of that bad relationship
there are a lot of different feelings that you may have at any point in time and being aware
of those throughout the day and recognizing and just being able to say okay I feel how I feel
I feel angry right now alright what am I going to what am I going to do about it I feel guilty
right now what am I gonna do about it instead of holding on to that feeling and nurturing it and
thinking of all the reasons I deserve to be angry I'm noticing that I'm angry and I'm saying okay
now how can I improve the next moment because I don't want to stay angry I don't want to use my
energy I don't want to give this person my energy by letting them monopolize my thoughts so what do
I need to do remembering that I cannot change the past you know I may in the grief process there's
denial anger bargaining sometimes we want to say you know I if I can just wake up maybe this is a
bad dream well it's not a bad dream it happened recognizing that we can't change the past and
reminding ourselves of that and figuring out how are we going to affect the present the next
moment in order to move toward what we want in the future some people after a betrayal are going to
want to stay in a relationship and try to make it work other people are going to cut bait and
try to establish another relationship or not it doesn't really matter at in terms of coping it
is important for that person to decide what is it that I need to do for me for my children if
children are involved what do I need to do in order to achieve the goals and have the best
possible life given the circumstances can't change it so we have to add the given the circumstances
what do I want my future to look like you know we had this idea of what it would look like maybe
growing old together and well that's not maybe gonna happen anymore so what do you want your
future to look like if you're still trying to work out work through the relationship and work through
the betrayal what do you want that relationship to look like with the person in five years or even in
six months and remembering that is gonna be really important if you're trying to work through that
betrayal holding them hostage for the choices they made in the past is not going to help you
work towards it it's going to be important that you work through those issues and work through
that resentment and anger and grieve the loss of the trust and the loss of your idealized version
of the relationship in order to move to it septons and get to that further gold and asking yourself
what is the first step toward my goal if I want to work through this relationship what is the
first thing that I need to do in order to start on that process we can't control other people
we can't control what our spouse is going to do but maybe I need to make an appointment with the
American Family Therapist and invite my spouse or what is it that's the first step that you need to
take what is the step second step and looking at it very methodically so you don't feel overwhelmed
you don't feel hopeless you feel empowered because you see actions that you can take to help you move
toward the life you want it may be with the person that you want and that you're in a relationship
with now it may not be and it's going to be partly on you to determine whether you want to try to
repair that relationship and partly on them too if they want to try to repair the relationship
and there's going to be a lot of negotiation or potentially just anger if one partner wants to
work it out and the other partner doesn't then there's going to be more anger and betrayal and
feelings of being let down and led astray that are going to have to be worked through those
can be worked through focusing on what you feel right now how to improve the next moment and how
you envision your life once you know the totality of this betrayal and whether your partner's going
to you and your partner are going to work it out or you're going to part ways once you know that
once you know the facts saying okay this is how it is this is how that season ends what's gonna
happen in the next season how am I going to grow as a character as a person in this next season
there are a lot of different feelings associated with betrayal grief is sort of the big overarching
one and it encompasses a lot of things you can be angry at yourself for being blind to what
happened or feeling like you caused part of it you can be angry at your partner for beat before
betraying you for not trying for not speaking up for not going to counseling you could there's a
lot of things you may be angry about you can be angry at the other person for intruding in your
relationship you can be angry at the world for hurting you because the culture really is not
supportive in many places of long-term monogamous relationships so you may be angry about that you
may be angry at your partner or the other person for taking away your power to choose instead of
coming to you and saying you know what this isn't working I want to see somebody else they did it
and didn't give you the option to say sure or no we need to go to counseling or no you know we need
to break up or get a divorce if that's the way you feel they took away your power you may be angry at
your partner for spending money on that other person spending time on that other person that
you feel should have been for you you may be angry at your partner for choosing someone else over you
and your current family there's a lot of things you may be angry about and identifying what those
things are making a list of them and starting to address them holding on to that anger is just
going to keep that threat response system that HPA axis ramped up and keep you feeling unsafe so it's
important to identify the thoughts that you're having and figure out how to work through them
sometimes this means working with a therapist and that's too much for us to cover in this you know
10 15 minute video right now but it is going to be important for you to recognize which parts of
the situation you had control over is important to recognize which parts of the situation you
have control over in the future it's going to be important for you to recognize how you are
currently safe and the relationships that you have currently that are still safe relationships
another feeling you may be experiencing is blame blaming yourself for you know causing the break-up
blaming the other person for causing the problems blaming you know the world going through a whole
list of woulda coulda shouldas if i would have known that you were unhappy i could have done
this or you should have told me bla bla well what it could have should have but didn't those
are all things in the past and it didn't happen and now we're at this place if you're trying to
work through the relationship and repair it and get work through the betrayal it's going to be
important to learn from the woulda coulda shouldas and say okay the next time you start feeling this
way or if you start feeling this way again you know let's make a plan for how you're going to
handle it instead of betraying me you may have a lot of anxiety about what's going on about
being alone about changes about you know if you're splitting up there may be financial anxiety they
are me maybe anxiety around relationships what other people are going to think there's a lot of
different things that could be causing anxiety if you decide to work through the relationship work
through the betrayal there may be a lot of anxiety when that person is acting a little bit weird or
somewhat withdrawn or is at work or not within your immediate purview which is understandable
because you're wanting to control the situation so you don't feel so you don't get hurt again it
makes sense however you know too much control and too much helicoptering and hovering is probably
going to end up causing more damage to the relationship it's going to be important to talk
about fears and talk with your partner and your partner talk with you about what can done to us
wage your fears what can your partner do when they are at work that can help you feel safe knowing
that they're at work knowing that they're doing their work and not you know engaging with someone
else you may feel guilt about what's going on you may feel guilty for breaking up with your spouse
especially if children are involved you may feel guilt for being angry you may feel guilt for and
because you feel like somehow you caused this and it's going to be important to look at what your
part was in it and what their part was in it you were in the relationship so there's you had some
part in it but that doesn't mean it's your fault you know it means that you are true to yourself
which that's not anything to feel guilty about and it's important to recognize that yes you may
you had a part in this relationship but it may not be anything you need to feel guilty about
you may have been being the best person that you could be and it's important that you don't take
on guilt that is unnecessary and depression a lot of people reach that point denial anger
bargaining depression and acceptance depression is a sense of hopelessness and helplessness where
you finally the reality and the totality of the situation hits you and you're like oh my gosh my
life has just just got turned upside down and I feel totally overwhelmed and hopeless and
helpless and life will never be the same and you may have a lot of extreme thoughts going through
your mind such as I'm never going to find anybody else I'm gonna be alone until I die it's important
to check those thoughts against facts because we can have some really extreme thinking when we're
having really extreme feelings you may experience jealousy of the other person because they got time
money attention yep whatever from your spouse and you may feel envious of people who are in healthy
relationships your friends who are the quote perfect marriage and you see them they appear to
be happy and laughing and you are not experiencing the same thing so you may feel envious or
resentful of them and that's okay you feel how you feel but it's important to check that feeling and
say to yourself this is how I'm feeling right now how can I improve the next moment is it useful to
hold this resentment and look at my friends and think that they don't deserve to be happy or
have other unpleasant thing unpleasant feelings or other feelings that contribute and thoughts
that contribute to my sense of hopelessness and helplessness or was what is a better way I can
react to their happy marriage their happy life maybe I don't want to be exposed to it right now
because that's just too painful that's potentially an option maybe I want to look at that as a model
for what I want my next relationship to look like there are a lot of different ways we can
view it holding on to resentment and nurturing it and just letting it grow and sprout in our
heads is gonna do nothing except for increase our stress levels reduce our libido and reduce
our mood that gives you a few tips and insights on the emotional impact of betrayal it is not easy to
deal with and some people like I said are going to have very different reactions based on their
prior learning based on their culture based on what caused the betrayal and it's important to
recognize that you do have choices in this particular situation and focus on what you
do have control of you can't control the other person you can't control the rest of the world
what can you control you and your situation and figure out how to improve the next moment