If you don't know this guy, you're an IDIOT.
Takeshi Kitano is a big Japanese superstar.
He had his first breakthrough as a duo comedy group known as "Two Beat"
and then he really got big with his game show, "Takeshi's Castle".
I know they got a bunch of shows like this nowadays but
I mean back in the 80's you could really ki- [laughter]
you could really kill the guys.
Look he just got crushed by a boulder! [More laughter]
That guy got fucking killed!
And if you make it past all the challenges, you have to fight Kitano himself
in a big bumper cart, water gun, tank fight.
This is the best show ever made.
But it wasn't until he got into film directing
that he would become a big superstar guy.
He would write, edit, direct and star in his own movies.
Uh, they're actually, really violent and, uh, depressing... oh no.
Then he made THIS!
But before any of this he would make "Takeshi's Challenge" for the NES,
1986 classic.
Now, as you start in your workplace,
um, I hid all my savings under this tree, luckily.
My secret sa-
This was one of the first games where you could go around and kill the innocent civilians,
it was really a big breakthrough for video games like that.
So, we gotta go to the bank now
and get the rest of my money, cause
pretty much all you do this whole game is spend money.
Uhh, make a withdrawal, here we go.
Most of these people are really nice, but you gotta watch out for these assholes with green hair
they're really fuckin'- argh!
Get outta here!
They will kick the shit outta you.
Now, we gotta go here,
And we gotta learn, uh, to play the guitar
for forty five thousand dollars.
Alright.
Now, when you're picking a bar, you don't wanna go to Grilled Mormons
you don't want Club Akemi
you want Azemichi Karaoke.
Now, they got a lot of whores running around
and the liquor is a good price, it's good- it's cheap.
So we're just gonna keep drinkin' here.
And drink, and drink, and drink until ya black out.
Then you wake up in your house, your wife is angry,
you got- you can either beat your wife or jump over her.
I like to jump over her, it's uh, it saves you some health.
Um, she's pissed
cause that you're drunk again. I want a divor- you have to get a divorce.
And she, uh, she thinks you're seeing someone else so you gotta pay alimony.
Now, this part, you can either- you can either
leave, or you can kill the kids. I like to kill the kids at this part.
If you hold "down" and "jump" you'll get a- you can really get a lot of air on you jump
for jumpin' over this lady.
Then you gotta go back to your work where you started, uh
you boss isn't happy with your performance
so he just gives you a little money.
But, um, you can quit your job to get some extra cash.
Um, I'm not really thinking long term strategy, here, I just need to recover some of this divorce money.
So, and then we head to the
Culture Club- get the hell outta my way!
Uh, we're gonna learn how to hang glide!
That's gonna come in useful, I think, and,
Hintaro launguage
that's so I can speak to gerbils.
"But Dunkey, why do you want to hang glide and talk to gerbils?"
Well, I'm glad you asked me; because I'm going to the South Pacific.
I bought a plane ticket. Now, we gotta go to the Pachinko machine.
I bought a hundred balls, uh, probably should
I mean, in a hundred tries, I'm guaranteed to win at least once.
Come on,
get in there.
Come on, you fuckin' thing!
Get in there! Fuckin'... Shit!
You actually have to utilize your NES microphone that I know you all own
or alternatively, you can plug a controller in the second port and hold down the "A" button to do the voice thing.
Uhm, so the, the
walkthrough says you have to shout, while you lose
so I gotta lo- da-
I just won, no!
It keeps wi- [chuckle]
So I- goddammit! It keeps winning! Stop [more laughter]
It won't let me lose now!
Fuckin' thing! [sigh]
So we gotta, we gotta get down; alright, almost got...
the... fuckin'! NO!
WHY AM I BACK AT A HUNDRED AND THIRTY? YOU FFF-
I don't got the NES microphone, but I'm, I'm still shoutin' anyway! You...
Fuckin' piece of Pachinko!
Hey, I'm not a dick.
I'm gonna kill all you guys you sons of bitch.
Aw, they k- alright they killed me in one hit.
The only way to get your health back in this game is to go to Bar Gold and buy the tequila
that'll give you one heart but
the joke of it is that this
fucking guy comes and hits you while you're trying to get your health back
so you gotta kill him,
and another- [chuckling] and they keep sending more guys.
So you gotta keep getting the tequila
and keep fightin' them, and get back on the chair real quick
before they come and hit you.
[laughing]
Oh fuck, he's coming at me
Eh, BAH
Eeeeehhhhh, BAH.
Okay, we're gonna
one more tequila, please.
Eeeeeeeeeeeeehhhhhhhhhhhmmmmmm BAH
Okay.
One more tequila, oh FUCK. Okay let's get out.
[slurred speech] Well, now that I'm loaded on tequila.
Maybe I could lose the Pachinko part.
Heh, heh, heh, uh oh!
Hey, pay me some respect, this is my store, huh? Heh.
Okay gotta fight, kill these guys.
And they got, they got the balls, the Pachinko balls that you wanted.
So you trade that, you buy the guitar with that.
And that's- now we gotta get the treasure map.
From the bartender [thump, thump]
Get outta my way you little... tramp!
This song goes out to my dead children. I killed them, then I got divorced.
And to my Dunk fans. They only got one song, "Rain of Tears."
'Cause I'm cryin' 'cause this game...
[drunkenly sings song]
[continues to sing]
What? "That was-" I put my soul into that performance, you can't say that was shit!
[loud, rapid button clicking] This is the other technique, you gotta hit the button as fast... as humanly... possible... argh.
[gasps in amazement]
I won!
[laugh]
Well, you know, I do it for the fans, I'll do an encore just because I love you guys so much.
[more button clicking, grunting]
[says in pain] It's too hard to keep hitting it so fast!
Hey, fuck you! I-