- Hey everybody; today, I want to talk about daddy issues.
I feel like this term is thrown around alot.
Many people have created,
sometimes, very funny memes about it.
And when someone dates an older male,
people claim that they're doing it
because they have "daddy issues."
Or if someone enjoys casual sex,
they give the same reasoning.
But what does it mean to have daddy issues?
Is it even a real thing?
And how can we overcome them if we're struggling?
Now first I think it's important to know
that daddy issues is not a diagnosable mental illness
and it's not even a term that was ever used
in any of my psychology classes
or continuing education courses.
The reason for this is because
any "issues" that we may have with our caregivers.
And when I say caregivers, like our mother, our father,
or even our aunt, grandparent,
even nanny for a lot of people.
All of those issues that we can have with those people
is boiled down to attachment.
So instead of calling these struggles, daddy issues,
we should really call them attachment issues,
because that's what they truly are.
And not to mention
that when people use the term, daddy issues,
it's usually done as a way to minimize
or simplify someone's past pain or upsets.
So truthfully I'm not the biggest fan of the term.
Now to briefly explain attachment,
although I have an entire video about it
that I will link in the description
if you want to learn more.
But for the sake of this video,
just know that there are four attachment styles:
secure attachment, insecure avoidant,
insecure ambivalent, and disorganized.
And if we had a caregiver that came when we cried
and supported us emotionally as we needed,
we would grow up to have a secure attachment.
And while we can have experiences in our life
that will affect how we interact with other people,
for the most part,
we will have healthy attachment to others.
If we had a caregiver that maybe wasn't there for us at all,
or was sometimes, but not consistently there,
or they were abusive.
If any of that is going on,
we can have one of the other three styles,
which makes it hard for us to have healthy relationships
as we grow up.
Because frankly,
we don't know what a healthy relationship looks like.
Or if we can trust other people to be there for us.
Or how to feel safe and okay on our own or with others,
because some of us we can swing
from either preferring to be alone
or preferring to be with others,
depending on how we reacted
to our parents' lack of proper parenting.
Unfortunately, when it comes to attachment
and parental research,
a lot of it tends to focus on our mothers
and their role in our development.
And of course, it's important,
but fathers playing an important role as well.
When we were children,
they teach us a lot about boundaries.
By being more of the risk takers
or rougher when it comes to play,
they show us what we can and cannot do,
or what we are okay and not okay with.
They help us understand risk, fear,
and hopefully remind us that they're there to catch us
or pick us up if we fall down.
Fathers also represent the role
of a male adult member of a family.
And this can affect us no matter what gender we are.
If we identify as male, our father can show us
how males are supposed to act in certain situations,
like at work,
or if we're around a bunch of other guys;
or how we interact in female relationships
or romantic relationships, just to name a few.
And we can often, without realizing it,
mimic their behavior
and find ourselves acting just like they did.
Our relationship with our fathers also plays a huge role
in our self-esteem and confidence,
because mothers tend to be, but not always
the more nurturing, consistent,
and home sustaining caregiver.
And we can take that for granted.
They tend to be around more
and give more support and positive reinforcement
just like more easily than fathers can sometimes.
Fathers also tend to be away from home more often.
And I know, I know a lot of this sounds super traditional
and not everyone's family is like this.
But for many of us, it still rings true.
So try to hear me out.
This is what the research supports
and maybe it needs to be updated,
but this is what we've got so far.
Anyways, because fathers are away from home more,
when they are around, we can seek their approval most.
Many children can grow up believing
that if they please their father,
then he'll stay around more often.
Or his approval means more than maybe mom's,
because he doesn't give it as freely.
And our relationship with our fathers
can also affect our sexuality,
which I know even just saying that,
it's kind of cringy, a little bit creepy,
but anyway you look at it, it's there.
If we are female, our relationship with our father
is our first male-female relationship.
We get to navigate that, see how it works,
learn how men are and maybe how they differ from us.
Maybe in the things they like
or the ways that they communicate.
This can affect how we interact
with other males in our life going forward.
Because our father is like the blueprint
from which we are drawing or new life plans.
If we are male, it's the same.
We can look to our father
to see what male relationships are like:
how men act, what they do, don't do, et cetera.
Our fathers are our first example and experience
of being around an adult male.
And we can't help but pick up on things,
especially when we're young.
We assume that the way they act is how all men act,
frankly 'cause we don't know any better, right?
And this can obviously lead to a lot of issues.
But I just think it's important to understand
how our fathers affect us
before we try to work to overcome any hangups
that we might have as a result.
Don't worry.
Just because we think we may have daddy issues
doesn't mean we have to live with them forever.
We can overcome them.
And my first step in doing that is to get to know yourself
and your thoughts about men.
We can't change what we don't understand.
So start paying attention to people you like
and don't like.
Be curious about that and why that is.
Start recognizing how you talk to yourself,
especially when it comes to relationships with men.
Maybe start journaling
about what role you think men play in your life.
What does it mean to be a man?
Or are there certain things that you like and don't like
that a lot of men do?
Just start focusing a bit more
on your past and present relationships with men
and the thoughts or beliefs you have about that.
It'll be really helpful and you might learn a lot,
which moves nicely into my second tip,
which is to see if any patterns emerge from tip number one.
Sure, we can have that one relationship that didn't go well.
Or they ended up being an alcoholic
and we broke up with them,
or we stopped being friends with them.
But what type of relationships
do we continue to have with men?
Do we have repeat friendships,
where we put in all the effort?
Maybe it's a boyfriend who constantly puts us down
and it seems like five out of the seven
of our past relationships have been that way.
Or possibly we keep being around men
who aren't emotionally available to us.
And we put all this energy into them
without getting anything back.
Dig into this and see what you find.
In my personal therapy work,
looking for relationship patterns, both good and bad,
has been the most life changing work I've done.
It's helped me honestly,
get out of toxic friendships more quickly
'cause I identify like right away.
Or I'll notice more quickly when I'm acting out
of an unhealthy pattern.
And overall, it's helped me
be more happy in my relationships.
Now my third tip
Get to know your father a bit more.
I know; this may mean
that we have to ask other family members about him
if he's not alive or no longer around,
or let's just say our relationship isn't the best.
But digging into who they are or were,
and even what their dad was like,
because there could be some patterns
between them and their father too.
It can help us better understand where they're coming from
or possibly realize even more
about why we were affected by them in the way that we were.
Does that make sense?
I hope so.
Because much of the work that we're going to have to do here
is what I like to call emotional detective work.
Because being curious and learning about our family history
can often reveal more about us
than we ever thought possible.
My fourth tip is to re-father ourselves.
I know you all hate terms like that.
But if, through our research,
we find that our father wasn't consistent with us
or emotionally supportive in the way that we needed,
well, is there then a way
that we can offer that to ourselves now?
Can we finally go to that museum
he always promised to take us to?
Or teach ourselves how to finally ride a bike,
or fish, or do any of the other things
that we had always counted on him for?
Yes, I know it sucks to have to give this to ourselves
because our parents were terrible at their jobs,
but the good news is that we can do it.
And it does help us heal, honest.
So spend some time figuring out
what it was you needed from your father and didn't get,
and then see if there's a way
that you can give that to yourself.
And finally, see a therapist.
Therapists are great 'cause they can help us see things
that we aren't able to see ourselves.
It's our job as therapists to find patterns
and point them out so that you can see them too.
My therapist has helped me see so many patterns in my life,
good and bad, and I will forever be thankful to her for that
because I'm not sure
if I would've ever noticed them on my own.
So look into seeing a therapist,
either online or in person,
and possibly try to find an attachment-based therapist,
that will be great.
Or someone who does a lot of dialectical behavior therapy
or DBT work.
And even honestly, as I think about it,
even a trauma specialist could be able to help as well.
Those are all some good ways to find someone
who will have the right training and tools
to help you overcome these issues.
And also know that you have every right
to ask if your therapist works on attachment issues,
and what training they have around that.
You're paying them to help you.
And it's your right to make sure
that they have the education needed to do so.
I hope you found that helpful.
Have you ever felt like you struggled with daddy issues?
Is there more to it than what I talked about?
What do you think I left out, or what else has helped you
as you've worked through these issues?
Please let me know in those comments down below
and I will see you next time; bye.
(smooth music)