(gentle music)
- Hey, everybody.
Editing Katie here really quick.
As you know, last week I released a more personal video
and I don't normally do that as you guys know,
it kinda obviously it makes me really uncomfortable.
It's like that vulnerability hangover, you know,
where you've like shared two much about yourself,
but I also knew that I wasn't feeling well,
I'm still not doing 100%
and I know that you could sense it and see it
in the stuff I was creating.
So I felt some kind of responsibility
to share that I also sometimes struggle
and don't have my shit together and it's hard
and, losing my grandma and I'm not gonna cry.
I'm not gonna cry, has been really difficult.
And I just wanted to at least acknowledge
that I know that video came out.
I recorded the video that you're about to see
like a while ago.
And we pulled it from the vault
because it feels kind of timely.
And like, because so many of you had shared so beautifully
in your comments, not only just support from me
but your own grieving process
and the losses that you've sustained
in the past recent years.
And so my hope is that this video can offer some tools
and some techniques and some tips for those of us
who have people in our lives who are grieving
or even if we're grieving, we could share this with someone
because often people don't know what to say
when someone else has lost someone close to them
or is going through the grieving process.
And something I forgot to mention in this video
as I was looking at it with Sean
is how important that connection is.
Because as I was reading through your comments,
I'm not gonna lie, I cried a lot last week.
Like it was hard, but good, good tears.
Like I don't think I realized how much I needed that,
I didn't even know to ask for it, but that connection
and that support was just really invaluable
and really healing for me.
And so I just wanted to add that in
as like another important component
to our grieving process is connection
because it's like that old saying,
what is it like every, when you're with someone,
every joy is doubled and every hardship halved.
And I definitely felt that,
like having other people understand
and share their own stories, like halved the grief,
it made it easier to bear.
And I think that's kind of why
community is so important, connection's so important.
Anyways, I just wanted to take a minute
to not only thank you all for all of the love and support,
because I definitely felt that
and it was just so healing for me
but also I wanna let you know that connection is important.
So if you're going through something,
push yourself to not isolate, reach out to those you love.
And I hope that this helps
those that you love better communicate
and support you as you need.
Okay, now back to the main video.
I'm Katie Morton, a licensed therapist.
And today I'm going to tell you seven things not to say
to someone who is grieving,
be sure to stay tuned until the end of the video
so that you know what you should say
to someone who is grieving.
And before I forget, you know, the drill
if you like this video hit the like button and subscribe
for more content on how to support your loved ones,
it really does help us creators.
Okay, let's get right
into the seven things that you should not say
to someone who's grieving.
When someone we care for is dealing with grief,
we can wanna make it all better for them
or give some reason behind the death
or even try to get them to see the brighter side of things
to help lift their mood.
All we can have the best of intentions,
many things we can say can actually do more harm than good
which is why today, I'm gonna talk about the seven things
not to say to someone who is grieving
and offer some helpful and more supportive alternatives.
Number one, everything happens for a reason.
I honestly don't know why we started saying this
or what comfort we think it's going to bring to someone.
But the reason this is on the list
is because it invalidates the pain
that they may be feeling.
Saying that it happens for a reason
is kind of like saying that they had to die
because it's part of a greater plan.
And therefore we shouldn't be upset about it.
And yes, I know, we don't mean that
when we say that to someone,
we often just don't know what to say.
Don't worry I will get into what's best to say in a bit.
So stay tuned.
Number two, God never gives you more than you can handle.
I talked about this in my video about religious trauma
and I hated it there too, by saying this,
we're kind of saying that you should be handling
the loss just fine, because God would know
how much you can handle
and he wouldn't give you more than that.
So it's kind of like saying buck up, it's not that bad.
When in reality,
losing someone we love is incredibly difficult
and the grief can be debilitating at times.
Number three, you're so strong or brave.
Now we usually say this to someone who isn't losing it
or seems pretty calm and put together.
And I think I speak for everyone
when I say that our outward appearance
doesn't always represent
how we're truly feeling, so commenting on it isn't helpful,
not to mention that it could push us to try
and stuff down how we're feeling more
and more in order to be strong for those around us.
I know my Papa was like this and would stay strong
or stoic for the betterment of the family.
But I'm here to tell you that falling apart,
expressing our upset publicly
and just showing our pain is okay.
And it's much healthier than holding it all in.
And of course you can fall apart
in a more private way if you prefer,
just try to make time to feel what you're going through.
Number four, don't worry, they're in a better place.
I heard this one a lot when my dad died
and it frankly pissed me off.
The world that I'm in is better.
And I wanted him to be here, to be part of it all
not to mention that it assumes the other person
believes in God or heaven or something like that.
And we just don't know.
It's just not a good thing to say.
It feels like an empty comment
that doesn't really offer any understanding or support,
which is what I was really looking for.
Number five, at least they lived a full life.
Now this tends to be said
when we've lost someone who was older.
I heard it when my great-grandmother died at the age of 92.
And when my Papa just passed away at 86
and I can tell you that even though
I know they lived a long life,
I still wasn't ready for them to go.
That's why saying that
isn't really supportive or compassionate.
And yet again, it invalidates the pain
someone may be feeling.
It's kind of like saying, because they didn't die young,
we don't have a right to feel really bad about it.
Number six, it was just their time.
I have heard this said a lot among my religious friends
as if God chose this time, no matter how old were
or how they died, we have to be okay with it.
Again, it's one of those statements
that's just invalidating,
and makes it seem like it's selfish
or wrong to be grieving or feel upset at all.
Finally, number seven, I know how you feel.
Trust me, I know this has the best of intentions
and unfortunately many of us have lost loved ones.
And we remember what that felt like.
However, everyone's situation is different
and saying that we know how they feel.
Doesn't give them the space to share.
What's really going on.
It could lead to them shutting down
or stuffing how they feel, because that statement
isn't an invitation to a conversation.
It's an assumption.
We can't ever really know how someone feels.
We can only know our own experience.
So let them tell you how they feel
instead of acting like you already know.
Obviously no one says any of those statements maliciously.
We usually do it 'cause we really don't know
what else to say and we feel bad for them.
Like I remember a member of my family
telling me how cute I looked in my black dress
when I was walking out to my dad's funeral.
It was such an odd and really off-putting thing to say.
But I know it was just because they didn't know what to say
to me and wanted to make me feel even a little bit better,
but because some comments can do more harm
than good, let's get into some alternatives
that will hopefully be better received
and let those that we love know
just how much we care for them.
A great comment to make is, I am so sorry for your loss.
It's simple and expresses how sad we are for them.
It doesn't assume, it doesn't try to make light
of what has happened.
It just lets them know
that we recognize how difficult a time must be for them.
This could also work when we aren't that close
to the person who's grieving.
Like if they're a casual friend or a coworker,
this is appropriate without being too much.
So when in doubt, go with this one.
Another more verbose option is something like,
I can't imagine what you're going through right now,
but I'm here for you if you need anything at all.
I personally love this one because it acknowledges the pain
and our lack of complete understanding
and lets them know that we're there for them.
I feel like this is what we want people to hear.
And if we care for them,
we want them to know that we are there.
So this is my personal favorite,
especially when we're saying it
to someone we are close with.
Something else we can do is share a favorite memory
that we have with the person who passed away.
And this can obviously depend
on the situation or how emotional they may already be.
Like if someone's already crying,
it might not be the best option
but it can at times be appropriate
to share a any story or a moment
that you had with a deceased.
I know that I loved hearing these from my dad's friends
and colleagues at his funeral, 'cause there was just so much
that I didn't know about his life before I was in it.
And many silly stories that not only reminded me
of the things I loved about him
but also gave me a much needed break
from all of the sadness and crying.
I enjoyed this one personally
and your loved one may as well.
And finally, I want you all to know
that you don't have to say anything really.
Sometimes all we need is for someone to just be with us.
I know spending time with my mom during that time
was healing and we didn't even talk that much.
We just watched TV, did things around the house
and went on long walks.
Just not being alone was what I truly needed.
And that may be the case for your loved one as well.
Also I wanna mention that during the actual funeral
and when someone first passes away, everyone is there.
They bring you so many flowers and intense amounts of food.
It's a lot, it's overwhelming.
And a I'm pretty sure I just like blacked all of that out,
that whole like week to be honest.
So I don't even remember it that clearly, but I do remember
people who checked in after the fact and popped by
to chat a few weeks or even months after my dad's death.
So know that the time is important as well
and it could be just what they need
to help lift their spirits and support them
through this difficult time.
I hope that was helpful and feel free
to leave any of your thoughts
on other things that you should
or should not say down in those comments below.
Thank you so much for watching and I will see you next time.
Seem pretty, blah, blah, blah, or even try to get them
to see the brighter,
brighter side of things.