-Welcome to the show!
-I'm wearing a suit. -You're wearing a suit.
You look very dapper. -Thank you.
-But I want to ask about this
because you did a very non-suit activity recently.
You went to a survival -- what is it called?
A survival training camp? -Yes. We did not wear suits.
-Yeah, I would imagine. -You're right,
it was a wilderness survival retreat.
-Okay, a weekend? Two days? A day?
-It was a three-day course where me and my friends learned
how to survive in the wilderness without the things
that you normally have on hand.
-What brought this about as something you wanted to do?
-Um...
[ Laughter ]
Living in California,
I realized I live very near where a lot of earthquakes --
there could be a big earthquake,
things could fall down, lots of things.
[Sighs] I guess I was dipping my toes into doomsday prepping.
-Okay, gotcha. -A little bit, if you will.
-Just a little toe dip. And after the three days,
do you feel better about your family's chances?
-No. -Okay.
[ Laughter ]
-I'm now actually wilderness first-aid certified.
-Oh that's pretty good.
-That's true. Yeah. -Yeah.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Now a lot of people don't know this,
but to be wilderness first-aid certified,
you're not actually really supposed to treat the person.
You're just supposed to keep them alive...
-Okay. -...until somebody
who actually knows something shows up.
[ Light laughter ]
So a lot of it's really just like, "Hey, I'm here.
I'm here. I'm here for you." You know what I mean?
-Like "Stay with me," that kind of thing?
-Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah, "Stay with me."
And slapping them. -Oh, gotcha.
-Yeah. -"Don't you leave me!"
-Yeah, "Don't you die on me, you son of a bitch."
-Yeah, don't you die -- Oh, that's a good one.
You son of a bitch. Right. -Yeah, that kind of thing
until the chopper shows up, and then you're, like,
I'm out of here. -Wow.
-But yeah, no -- I guess I just felt like
I wanted to make sure that I knew how to do basic things
that -- -Yes.
-We got so comfortable in society.
You know, we have running water,
and I didn't realize, you know, ask a lot of people,
like, what's the first thing that will kill you if you're
lost in the wilderness, and you're injured,
and most people say. well, well you'll --
you'll run out of water.
You'll be very, very thirsty, and you'll die of --
whatever that's called, when you die of not having enough water.
And it's actually exposure.
-Just to -- -To the elements.
-To the elements. -Yeah.
So, if you sleep on the ground,
and, you know, it's warm outside,
if it gets cold at night, you'll die
because the ground will freeze you to death.
So you've got to build like a thing,
and put leaves in there. -Wow!
-You know what I mean? And so, but you'll die later
of Lyme disease, because there's ticks in the leaves.
[ Laughter ]
-But you'll buy yourself a couple of days.
-You'll buy yourself a couple -- and then a life of misery
suffering from Lyme disease. But yeah, in the meantime --
-You -- I think you and I are very similar 'cause --
well first, congratulations, "Always Sunny," 12 seasons,
which is -- like, no one does that.
[ Cheers and applause ]
I've also been working in TV for a while now,
and do you think that you now officially --
because I feel this way. I officially don't know
how to do anything of value -- like of real-life value.
-Oh, I see. Yeah, you get comfortable, right?
-Yeah. -Yeah, I think that's true.
-Were you ever handy?
Were you ever somebody who could fix something in your house?
-My -- yeah. Yes, absolutely.
Yeah, like I had to cut the grass.
I had to trim the hedges,
and I had to fix stuff around the --
But my dad didn't teach me a ton of stuff.
You know, even though he kind of knew how to do that stuff,
I think he wanted to like, I don't know, shelter us from it
and not make us have to do that.
I had to learn -- when I was in theatre school,
I had to learn stagecraft, so I learned how to use some tools,
and I would fix things in the house when they got broken.
You know, but, yeah, you do. You get comfortable,
and after while you realize, like, I don't want to do that,
I'm going to hire somebody to do it.
-Yeah. The most depressing thing
in my life is my wife's dad is, like, a builder,
and her brother knows everything,
and so when something breaks in our house,
it's really emasculating because one of them shows up
with a tool belt, and is like, "Hey, what are you doing?"
I'm like, "Let me put down this Xbox controller
and pretend to see what you're seeing."
-Yeah, I can tell you how to fix chapped lips.
-Oh, yeah? -But --
-Everybody says that about you!
[ Laughter ]
-But I can't teach you how to fix, you know, a light switch.
-Yeah. -No, it's sad.
You sort of forget to -- I mean, you can --
I think to a certain degree, we all suffer from this.
But if you start to make a little bit of dough,
you start to realize, I'm going to pay a guy to do that.
I'll pay a guy to do this,
and I'm worried that I'm not going to teach my kids,
because I have two boys. -Yeah.
-You know, and like I said,
I used to cut the grass and all that.
I'm like, I don't want them cutting my grass,
because I don't want them messing up my grass.
[ Laughter ]
You know? Whereas like, my dad was like,
"You're cutting the grass." -Yeah.
-And I'm like, mnh. -I also just worry about how --
my dad knows a lot about everything.
-Yeah, same. -And now I just feel like,
because of the Internet, anything my kid asks me,
I'll be like, "Let's go over to the laptop."
[ Laughter ]
-Yeah, the box of knowledge. -That's a good question, yeah.
-Let's go to the box of knowledge.
-This is where daddy put all his ideas.
[ Laughter ] -Yeah, and take credit for it.
-Yeah, and now we can go find them.
-I built this box of knowledge for you, son,
so that when I pass on -- it's like Superman and his dad,
he was like the crystal thing -- -Right.