WELCOME, WELCOME ONE AND ALL TO THE LATE
SHOW.
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
HEY, QUICK QUESTION, ANYBODY REMEMBER TWO DAYS AGO WHEN
I TOLD YOU THAT KETANJI BRROWN JACKSON HAD MADE IT OUT OF THE
JUDICIARY COMMITTEE AND WAS DEFINITELY GOING TO BE AMERICA'S
FIRST BLACK FEMALE SUPREME COURT JUSTICE, AND WE ALL WENT "WOO?"
THAT WAS FUN.
WANT TO DO IT AGAIN?
BECAUSE THIS AFTERNOON, THE U.S.
SENATE VOTED TO CONFIRM KETANJI BROWN JACKSON TO THE SUPREME
COURT, MAKING HER AMERICA'S FIRST BLACK FEMALE JUSTICE.
WOO!
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) THAT'S NICE, THAT'S NICE.
I FEEL GOOD.
>> Jon: VERY NICE.
>> Stephen: THAT IS NICE.
THAT IS-- SHE IS A JUSTICE SO NICE, WE WOOED HER
TWICE.
HERE'S THE MOMENT HISTORY WAS MADE.
>> ON THIS VOTE, THE YEAS ARE 53, THE NAYS ARE 47, AND THIS
NOMINATION IS CONFIRMED.
(APPLAUSE) >> Stephen: LADIES AND
GENTLEMAN, THE NEWEST MEMBER OF THE UNITED STATES SUPREME COURT,
JUSTICE KETANJI BROWN JACKSON...
IS WHAT I WILL BE SAYING IN A FW MONTHS, WHEN SHE'S ACTUALLY
SWORN IN.
IT'S A LONG PROCESS.
WE'LL WOO AGAIN.
THE PRESIDENT SEEMED TO UNDERSTAND THE HISTORY OF THE
MOMENT.
SHORTLY AFTERWARD, THE WHITE HOUSE RELEASED THIS PHOTO OF
THE PRESIDENT AND THE NEXT JUSTICE OF THE SUPREME COURT
SHARING A HUG.
VERY TOUCHING.
IT WAG RIPP BIP REALLY BEAUTIFUL, TAKING THAT MOMENT TO
RECOGNIZE IT.
AND REMINISCENT OF WHEN BRETT KAVANAUGH WAS CONFIRMED AND THE
FORER PRESIDENT HELPED HIM DO A KEG-STAND.
S NOT EASY AT HIS AGE, NOT EASY AT ALL, YOU KNOW, IMPRESSIVE.
THAT WASN'T THE ONLY POSITIVE NEWS FROM CAPITOL HILL, BECAUSE
TODAY WE LEARNED THAT SPEAKER NANCY PELOSI HAS TESTED POSITIVE
FOR COVID-19.
GET WELL SOON, MADAME SPEAKER.
PLEASE STAY HOME, DRINK A LOT OF FLUIDS, AND LET CHUCK SCHUMER GO
STRAIGHT TO VOICEMAIL.
"NANCY, IT'S CHUCK AGAIN.
I WANTED TO MAKE SURE YOU GOT THE CHEESECAKES I SENT OVER.
BECAUSE NOTHING DEALS WITH PHLEGM LIKE A THICK NEW YORK
JUNIOR'S CHEESECAKE.
OKAY, HOW DO I TURN OFF THE CALL?
YOU KNOW WHAT, I'M JUST GOING TO BRING YOU WITH ME TO THE
BATHROOM.
TOO MUCH CHEESECAKE."
NOW, EVERYBODY'S WONDERING IF PELOSI MIGHT HAVE TRANSMITTED IT
TO OTHER PEOPLE, INCLUDING THE ARCH SHE WAS INFECTED, INCLUDING
THE PRESIDENT, BUT THE WHITE HOUSE
SAID THAT BIDEN TESTED NEGATIVE LAST NIGHT, AND WAS NOT
CONSIDERED A "CLOSE CONTACT" OF PELOSI.
REALLY?
NOT A CLOSE CONTACT?
BECAUSE YESTERDAY WHEN SHE WAS THERE FOR A BILL SIGNING, SHE
WAS RIGHT NEXT TO THE PRESIDENT, AND ON TUESDAY, PELOSI AND THE
PRESIDENT GAVE EACH OTHER A COUPLE PECKS ON THE CHEEK!
EVIDENTLY, THE WHITE HOUSE DOES NOT CONSIDER IT A CLOSE CONTACT
UNLESS THERE'S TONGUE.
FDR STARTED THAT, FDR STARTED THAT, YEAH.
PELOSI IS JUST THE LATEST CASE AMONG WASHINGTON'S ELITE.
AT LEAST 14 ATTENDEES OF SATURDAY'S GRIDIRON CLUB DINNER
HAVE TESTED POSITIVE FOR COVID, INCLUDING THE COMMUNICATIONS
DIRECTOR TO VICE PRESIDENT KAMALA HARRIS, REPRESENTATIVE
ADAM SCHIFF, REPRESENTATIVE JOAQUIN CASTRO, COMMERCE
SECRETARY GINA RAIMONDO, AND ATTORNEY GENERAL MERRICK
GARLAND.
THAT PROVES MITCH McCONNELL IS WORSE THAN A DISEASE, BECAUSE
AT LEAST COVID WAS WILLING TO MEET WITH MERRICK GARLAND.
BIG NEWS FROM THE UNITED S-- SURE, WHY NOT.
BIG NEWS FROM THE UNITED NATIONS.
THIS AFTERNOON, THE U.N.
GENERAL ASSEMBLY VOTED TO SUSPEND RUSSIA'S MEMBERSHIP IN
THE U.N. HUMAN RIGHTS COUNCIL.
OKAY, THAT SOUNDS RIGHT.
YOU KNOW WHAT SOUNDS WRONG?
RUSSIA WAS ON THE HUMAN RIGHTS COUNCIL.
IF YOU THINK THIS IS TOO LITTLE, TOO LATE, YOU'RE NOT ALONE.
SO DOES POPE FRANCIS, SEEN HERE FREE-STYLING UNDER THE NAME
"FUNK MASTER FAITH."
THIS WEEK, IL PAPA HAD SOME HARSH WORDS FOR THE U.N.,
SAYING, "IN THE ONGOING WAR IN UKRAINE, WE WITNESS THE
IMPOTENCE OF THE INTERNATIONAL ORGANIZATIONS OF THE UNITED
NATIONS."
NEVER A GOOD SIGN WHEN THE CELIBATE GUY CALLS YOU IMPOTENT.
THIS IS WEIRD.
OR WHEN THE CATHOLIC CHURCH SAYS YOU GUYS ARE MOVING TOO SLOWLY.
HERE SAY BIT OF WEIRD NEWS.
YESTERDAY, THE F.B.I. ARRESTED TWO MEN ACCUSED OF IMPERSONATING
FEDERAL OFFICERS, WHO CLAIMED THEY WERE, "SPECIAL POLICE."
OH, YOU'VE GOT TO WATCH OUT FOR THOSE SPECIAL POLICE.
I LEARNED ALL ABOUT THEM IN THIS DISTURBING TRUE CRIME
DOCUMENTARY.
>> YOU DON'T HAVE ANYTHING SHARP ON YOU THAT I CAN
STICK MYSELF WITH, DO YOU?
>> NO.
>> GOOD, BECAUSE I DO.
(PANTS RIPPING) (GIRLS SCREAM)
>> Stephen: THOSE WOMEN ARE TERRIFIED.
NOBODY KNOWS WHAT THESE FAKE FEDS WERE PLANNING, BUT THEY
WERE CLEARLY UP TO NO GOOD.
THEY ALLEGEDLY USED THE DISGUISE TO GET CLOSER TO MEMBERS OF
FEDERAL LAW ENFORCEMENT, INCLUDING A U.S. SECRET SERVICE
AGENT.
THAT'S SCARY.
IT'S WHY I'VE ALWAYS SAID WE NEED AN AGENCY TO PROTECT THE
SECRET SERVICE: THE SECRET "SECRET SERVICE" SERVICE.
THEY WEAR AVIATORS OVER THEIR AVIATORS, AND THEY TALK INTO
BOTH WRISTS.
TO COZY UP TO LAW ENFORCEMENT, THESE NO-GOODNIKS PROVIDED
MEMBERS OF THE SECRET SERVICE WITH GIFTS SUCH AS iPHONES,
SURVEILLANCE SYSTEMS, A DRONE, AND A FLAT SCREEN TELEVISION.
AND THE SECRET SERVICE JUST TOOK THEM?
AREN'T THESE GUYS SUPPOSED TO BE ON GUARD 24-7?
"I WILL JUMP IN FRONT OF A BULLET TO PROTECT THIS NATION.
WHAT'S THAT?
A FLATSCREEN SAMSUNG?
GET IN HERE!
WANT TO SEE THE OVAL OFFICE?
HERE'S THE KEY!
TAKE A LOOK AROUND WHILE I WATCH TBS-- OOH, 'IN THE LINE OF FIRE'
IS ON!
MALKOVICH CAN DO IT ALL."
-- NO, PLEASE, PLEASE.
MALKOVICH FANS.
SO, HOW DID THEY FOOL EVERYONE?
WELL, THE DUO OF MASTERMINDS USED AN S.U.V. EQUIPPED WITH
EMERGENCY LIGHTS THEY IDENTIFIED AS "THEIR OFFICIAL D.H.S.
VEHICLE," AND WORE TACTICAL GEAR WITH "POLICE" EMBLAZONED ON
THEIR CLOTHING.
CLEARLY A HIGHLY SOPHISTICATED OPERATION.
THEY HAD ACCESS TO IRON-ON TECHNOLOGY!
PLUS, THE CREDENTIALS PROVING THAT THEY WERE FEMALE BODY
INSPECTORS.
THESE TWO AREN'T THE ONLY KNUCKLEHEADS IN TROUBLE WITH THE
LAW.
I'LL CATCH YOU UP A FEW MORE, IN TONIGHT'S "SEDITIONIST ROUND-UP
ROUNDUP."
>> I WOOL SEE YOU IN COURT.
YOU BAAAAAASTARDS!
>> Stephen: FIRST UP IN TODAY'S ROUNDUP IS CAPITOL RIOTER AND
GUY TRYING TO SELL YOU A BAG OF OREGANO AT THE DRUM CIRCLE,
WHEN FISHER WAS ARRESTED WILL A THOUSAND ROUNDS OF AM MISH, AN A
MACHETE IN HIS UPPER EAST SIDE APARTMENT AND CAR, THAT IS
INSAY, HE HAS A CAR IN NEW YORK CITY?
THAT-- NO, I GUESS, I SUPPOSE.
YES STRKS EASIER TO FIND PARKING WHEN YOU KEEP A MACHETE ON THE
DASH.
NEXT UP INSURRECTIONIST AND THOUGHTFUL DINNER PARTY GUEST
JASON RIDDLE, SENTENCED TO 90 DAYS IF JAIL AFTER BREAKING TOO
THE OFFICE OF THE SENATE PARLIAMENT ARIAN CHUGGING THAT
BOTTLE OF WINE AND ALSO STEALING A BOOK IF HE WANTED WINE AND
BOOKS HE COULD HAVE JUST SHOWN UP TO HIS AUNT RITA TUESDAY AT 7
P.M.
THIS WEEK THEY ARE DOING WHERE THE CRAW DADS SING THIS ISN'T
THE FIRST TIME I MENTIONED MR. WHITTLE RIDDLE ON THE
SHOW.
I ALSO TALKED ABOUT HIS WINE-SWILLING BOOK-SWIPING LAST
YEAR.
AND HE REMEMBERS.
BECAUSE AT HIS SENTENCING, RIDDLE CALLED OUT MEMBERS OF THE
MEDIA, INCLUDING LATE NIGHT HOST STEPHEN COLBERT, WHO HE CLAIMED
"CALLED ME AN ENEMY OF THE STATE TO A BOOING CROWD."
OKAY, THAT'S NOT TRUE.
THAT'S NOT TRUE.
I DID NOT CALL HIM "AN ENEMY OF THE STATE."
THAT WAS THE SEGUE INTO THE "ROUND-UP ROUND-UP."
I ACTUALLY CALLED HIM THIS: FIRST UP IN THE ROUNDUP,
NEW HAMPSHIRE NATIVE AND GUY TEACHING A CRYPTOCURRENCY CLASS
FROM HIS MOM'S BASEMENT, JASON RIDDLE.
I'M SORRY.
LET ME CORRECT THAT.
NEW HAMPSHIRE NATIVE AND GUY TEACHING A CRYPTOCURRENCY CLASS
FROM JAIL.
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT!
COMEDIAN PETE HOLMES IS HERE!
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, ARE ALIENS IMPREGNATING US?
AND WHO PAYS WHEN THEY NEED BRACES?
REQUEST STICK AROUND.