Please give it up for John Mulaney.
-[cheers and applause] -[upbeat music plays]
Well! Hello, my name is John Mulaney.
How are you?
-I am, uh... -[crowd cheering]
I'm gonna do stand-up comedy now, which is like a funny speech.
-Uh... -[laughter]
Okay, I'm good.
I spilled the free water on my pants backstage,
and I was nervous to come out,
'cause I thought that you would think that I had peed in my pants,
and we need to stop being worried about that as a society.
Because, guess what?
No one anywhere is peeing in their pants
and then just going about their day as planned.
Just like, "Ah, I seem to have peed into my pants,
off to the side until completion.
But I have appointments, I must a soldier on.
I'll sure get a lot more done,
now that I don't have to go to the bathroom.
I see people in bathrooms, like, under the hand dryer,
like, roasting their genitals.
Enough.
It doesn't even look like pee.
Have you ever actually peed your pants? Of course you have.
It's like an abstract painting down the inside of your thigh.
-It comes out the bottom of your shoe. -[laughter]
Pee is like fire in the movie Backdraft.
It goes where it wants.
[laughter]
Also, it wasn't water, it was pee.
'Cause I stopped peeing, but I didn't stop,
-and it kept coming out a little bit. -[laughter]
I'm 35 now.
-That's young, but it's also not. -[laughter]
My wife is in love with this Timothée Chalamet son of a bitch.
-He's like 21 years old. -[laughter]
It's a joke when she kids me about it, but it's not a joke. And...
I'm six feet tall. That's like a big deal to me.
I don't know why it's a big deal, but I like that I'm six feet tall.
We were coming back from dinner the other night, my wife walks past me,
she goes, "You know, Timothée Chalamet's 6'1"."
And I just internalized it.
-[laughter] -And then the next day,
I looked it up online, and it said he was 5'11".
So I leave the garage...
my office is in the garage...
-and I go into the home, where she is. -[laughter]
And I go into her office, and I go, "You know, he's 5'11"."
She goes, "What?" I go, "The boy!"
He's not 6'1", he's 5'11".
She goes, "What the hell are you talking about?"
I said, "I'm six feet.
-I'm taller than the boy." -[laughter]
"You said Timothée Chalamet was 6'1", he's 5'11"."
She goes, "I was fucking kidding."
[laughter]
My wife is very tough. She's not sensitive.
Sometimes I think she's gonna be sensitive.
I got a back X-ray done, because I don't sit up straight,
and in the X-ray, they saw a shadow on my lung. Okay?
Everything is fine, by the way, but this was back in the fall,
and I was on tour and I didn't want to tell her over the phone,
so I waited till I got home.
And then I sat her down when I got home that morning,
and I said, "Hey, sit down, I need to talk to you,
and this is not a bit,"
which is what I have to say before I say anything serious to her.
[laughter]
I go, "This is not a bit.
It's gonna sound scary, but don't worry,
everything's gonna be fine."
I don't know if you were a male comedian in the fall of 2017,
or in the winter of 2018 currently,
but sitting your wife down and saying,
"I've gotta tell you something scary...
but don't worry, everything's gonna be fine,"
-has different connotations. -[laughter]
My wife said, "What the hell did you do?"
I said, "No, I might have lung cancer." She said, "Oh, thank God."
[laughter]
This is a beautiful event.
I'm really happy that Lauren and Seth had me at this.
It's great to give to charity.
You gotta be careful about who you give to, though,
because sometimes you give to someone that you think is deserving,
and then there's someone else who is equally deserving,
and they totally get shafted.
Like in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.
[laughter]
-What if I didn't explain what I meant? -[laughter]
"Like Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. All right, goodnight everybody." No.
[laughter]
Remember, Charlie gets a golden ticket.
He can take one person with him to Willy Wonka's chocolate factory,
and he says, "I know who I'll take. I'll take Grandpa Joe."
And Grandpa Joe says, "Really Charlie? You're gonna take me?"
And they go to Wonka's factory,
and there's some shenanigans,
but there's a lot of life lessons.
And in the end, they get the greatest gift of all,
and it's a wonderful tale of the human heart, isn't it?
Well, guess what?
Charlie has a whole other grandfather...
[crowd chuckling]
...and he doesn't give that other grandfather jack shit.
-[laughter] -His name is Grandpa George,
in case you've forgotten.
It's Grandpa George,
and he sleeps in the same bed foot to foot with Grandpa Joe,
and he looks like a turtle,
and he doesn't have a line in the movie,
and he doesn't get a goddamn thing.
[laughter]
Charlie Bucket waltzes in, waving gold around.
-He goes, "I know who I'll take." -[laughter]
And then he walks over to that four-person nightmare
-that is his grandparents' bed. -[laughter]
He walks over to that Mount Rushmore of bedsores...
[laughter]
He goes, "I'm gonna take Grandpa Joe,"
and he kind of gives the finger to the other three grandparents.
Now maybe you're thinking, "Hey, Grandpa Joe, maybe he deserved to go."
He had a tough life, right?
'Cause remember Grandpa Joe says, "I don't know if I can go, Charlie.
-I haven't walked in 40 years." -[crowd chuckling]
"Wait, let me check."
[laughter]
Then he lifts the world's worst-smelling duvet...
[laughter]
...and he gets out of bed, and he can walk!
-Fuck you. -[laughter]
You could walk this whole time?
You walrus-mustached son of a bitch.
-[laughter] -You John Bolton-looking asshole.
We've been supporting you while my mother cooks laundry soap
while singing "Cheer Up, Charlie,"
-which is an awful song. -[laughter]
And we all fast-forward through it.
[laughter]
Goodnight, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you very much!
[cheers and applause]