-Now, check this out.
Last night, I was checking out at the grocery store,
and the cover of "Cosmo" caught my eye.
It said something like,
"Five ways to dirty talk your man's rod into space."
[ Laughter ]
And all I could think was,
"'Cosmo' magazine makes a lot of assumptions."
The biggest one being that anyone still buys magazines.
[ Laughter ]
Women's magazines are a perfect mix
of thoughtful information and complete trash.
On one page, it's what to expect from your first gyno exam.
And on the next page, it's a piece called
"How to make yourself a literal snack
by putting dipping sauce on your nipples."
[ Laughter and applause ]
But I'll be real.
In high school, I loved women's magazines.
I know!
I used to learn from them, which is a bad idea.
[ Laughter ]
I was an awkward 15-year-old
who should have been learning about how to kiss.
Meanwhile, "Glamour" was yelling at me like,
"Are you a butt stuff girl?"
[ Laughter ]
[ Laughter continues ]
I once read a tip about "exciting your man"
by using an ice cube while giving a B.J.
[ Laughter ]
Yeah, nothing says "sexy"
like giving someone a surprise cold shower in your mouth.
Sexy!
And the "ways to please your man" lists
have gotten so ridiculous. Do you not think so?
Every other article is like,
"20 ways to make your man go cross-eyed."
"50 ways to make your man's butt explode."
"74 ways to grind your man's junk into raw beef."
Who has the time to do 74 of anything?
Listen, I can either do one thing well
or two things at 50%. You pick, babe.
74. Don't be dumb.
The craziest thing about these magazines is that we assume
the author of these articles are experts.
"No, okay?"
Because the people who have the most sex
are always rolling over afterward
and going, "Ah, where's my laptop?
I've got to write 500 words about this."
[ Laughter and applause ]
And don't get me started on all the quizzes.
Like, "Are you a wildcat or a house cat in the bed?"
And I'm just like, "I'm whichever one is Garfield."
[ Laughter and applause ]
I'm just in the back eatin' lasagna.
[ Laughter and applause ]
I once took a test that said, on a scale of 1 to 100,
it would tell me how sexually adventurous I am.
I literally got a three.
[ Laughter ]
The line after three said,
"I'm sorry you lost your genitals in a house fire."
[ Laughter ]
But the thing that always blew my mind
were the quizzes you take to find out
if you're in a healthy relationship
with your significant other.
Taking a relationship survey out of a women's magazine
is like going on WebMD.
If you have that many symptoms, you already know it's cancer.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Mnh-mnh. Mnh-mnh, mnh-mnh.
[ Laughter ]
And in the middle of all of these sex quizzes and tips,
there's always one article that attempts serious journalism,
about a girl who almost died
because her heart grew in backwards,
but now she's dating a guy whose heart also grew in backwards.
And the article is titled "Inside Out:
How My Backwards Heart Led Me Forward To Love."
[ Laughter and applause ]
And by the end, all you've learned
is that people with backwards hearts
can only do it doggy-style.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Now, don't get me wrong.
Men's magazines are just as stupid.
They're all about which celebs are the hottest,
which cars are the fastest,
and which musky cologne smells the muskiest.
But you know what you don't see
on the cover of a lot of men's magazines?
900 ways to please your woman.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Yep.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Which is ironic, because, as opposed to men,
there are actually 900 ways to please a woman.
[ Cheers and applause ]
It's like -- It's like if there were 400 articles
telling you how to fly a kite
and 1 about how to operate an airplane.
There are a few really simple ways to please women
that men need to learn.
Start with cleaning up after yourself.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Notice that we got our hair done.
And, I don't know --
learn how to spell the alphabet with your tongue.