Hello, my lovely, lovely subscribers.
It is Chaseypoo. Do I ever...ya know sometimes I feel like I do something so much that I don't really realize 'cause it's like unconscious.
Do I ever say my name in my videos on my personal channel? Like, I know I do it for Transtastic,
but I don't know...do I? Who knows.
This week I'm talking about something that I don't think I've ever talked about before.
Which is weird because I feel like I've talked about everything- my zipper is open.
I'm going to be talking about...the act of
misgendering and misnaming yourself in your head accidentally.
I have had so many questions about this over the years that I don't know why...
it's like not- I've never thought about making a video about this. I mean-
I mean-
Honestly if I did make a video about this, like, don't tell me because I'll be really embarrassed 'cause I feel like I've never talked about this before.
So, let's- first things first. What does it mean? So...
Let's say you're out as trans.
And...no matter where you are in your transition. It's usually happening in the early parts of transition.
Um, you are telling yourself a story in your head
and you accidentally say "she," or it's like an automatic response and you say "she."
I'm just- I'm talking FTM here because that's the usual people who watch my videos.
And you call yourself your old name. So let's say your name was Sabrina...
and in your story in your head you're just, like, thinking about this
and you're, like, saying, like, one of your friends is saying your name and in your head you're like
Sabrina. You're like "Oh, no, that's not my name. My name is...
Sebastian or something like that. People freak out.
From the comments that I've got, like, people, like, it scares them a lot, and...
I'm here to tell you that I think it happens to most of us, and it happened to me and I can actually pinpoint
an exact time that I remember it happening.
I was out. I wasn't on T yet, but I was, like, I think about to have my first therapy session or something like that, and I remember
leaving the pharmacy. I remember I was on the south shore. Not that you know where that is.
And I remember...
I talk a lot to myself in my head.
I don't know if a lot of people do that, but whatever. Maybe this is just a video for me. (laughs)
I remember in my head
calling myself my old name and
it was really weird because
it was one of those, like, moments where I was finally telling people to, like, start calling me Chase and, like, use male pronouns.
And then here I was doing the exact opposite of what I was telling other people to do, and I remember it freaking me out.
And I was like "Oh my fucking God, does this mean I'm not trans?"
And when I tell you I freaked out, I was, like, literally, like, questioning.
And I know, it's such a stupid thing to be like "Oh my God, am I trans?"
just because you, like, misgender yourself like once or twice occasionally.
Um, but it really freaked me out, and I was really doubting everything. I was like "Oh my God.
What does this mean? Am I not trans? Was everybody right?"
And by "everybody" I mean, like, no one because no one ever told me that I wasn't trans.
I mean, like, the Internet did, but whatever.
So that freaked me out. And it even happened even after I was on T 'cause I remember starting on T
and I was working at this company that- they called me...They called me Chase before I was on T
and I started T while I was working there.
But, like, I thought that they called me he, but it's one of those, like, I don't- I thought that I passed
but when I look at pictures of myself now, I'm like, "LOL
how did I think that I was passing?" 'Cause it was like very obvious.
But they called me "she," and it was, like, really weird to me 'cause it was like
how can you call somebody who's named Chase a she? And I looked like- whatever!
So, I don't know, at the moment, it was very confusing to me and...
It was hard for me to navigate that space because I had to use the female bathroom,
but I had to keep living my life as male outside of the office.
And, like, I kept being misgendered, and I was misgendering myself
and I had to at that job because they thought my voice was so feminine they actually
asked me to do this, like, voiceover for, like, a company, like,
"Please press 1," or whatever.
My voice is on somebody's answering machine thing for work somewhere on this planet.
I have no idea where but it's there.
And that, like, really hurt, but after I left that job...
I think it really helped to have people around me reinforce my name and my gender...
pronoun whatever.
Because I stopped. And maybe it's because I was like further- furthering in my transition.
Or I worked at a job that they only knew me as male, like, only, like, a couple people knew I was trans and it was,
like, scandalous 'cause I thought I- whatever.
And...
I don't know, like, it- it felt really good to have my friends
finally start using the pronouns, and I feel like maybe that's what clicked into my head, like, this is real.
This is happening. And it wasn't like, "I need to stop doing this!!!" like, obviously it was like that in the beginning.
But it was more like...
It was like an automatic response, like, I didn't think about it.
It went from, like...And to be honest, like, I know I'm, like, almost 5 years on T,
almost two years post-op, like, changed my name, changed my gender marker. Like, everything..almost.
Like, like, all of those things right now,.
But I've done it. Like, recently. And I was like, "What?!"
And it's weird. And I do feel like it has influence over people, um...
My dad calls me a version of my old name. It's like a nickname.
It doesn't sound really like my old name. Like, you wouldn't know what it was if you heard it...
But, uh...
I think hearing it so often because I spent so many weekends with him after he was in the hospital,
after hearing it like non-stop,
it, like, freaked me out.
And I started thinking of myself in that way, and it like really gave me anxiety and I was like,
"I need to stop. I need to stop thinking about this. I need to stop." Because I was like obsessing over it.
I was like, "I need to stop," like, 'cause if I think about it too much then I feel like it's something that'll never change.
So with that, I'm kind of still struggling with that, but it...
I'm starting to, like, really understand where it's from from making this video.
Um, the influence of other people. So if you misgender yourself, if you're misname yourself, it's fine.
You're still trans. Probably. (laughs)
There's a very good percentage that you just did it and it's out of habit
or it's out of your environment that you're in and the people that you're around,
the way you were socialized, the way people around you see you, and it sucks, but...
it's normal.
And I feel like that's what I do with my videos.
I talk about experiences that I've had, and I'm just like, "Don't worry. It's normal." (laughs) But like...
I'm weird. Like, what if these experiences aren't normal? I'm kidding. I'm kidding. They're for sure normal.
Anyways, that's all I have to say about misgendering and misnaming yourself.
I've...luckily not done it out loud.
And it's, like, one of my biggest fears to, like, accidentally be like, "She-" and be like, "Oh, whoops!"
But I mean, like, I could, like, catch myself, like, I'd-
Nobody, like...if people don't know I'm trans, it, like, it was a joke, like, whatever.
Anyways, that's all I have to say. I hope you have a great week, and I will see you (sings) soon.
If you wanna audition for Transtastic, you can. You can until March 31st.
And if you have any topic suggestions, my crotch is open for you. Downstairs. Just do it in the- okay, bye!