♪ When I was born I didn't cry, I said ♪
♪ Merch in the store ♪
♪ My ex's wedding vows were touching, mine were ♪
♪ Merch in the store ♪
♪ When I'm dying with my children by my side ♪
♪ Goodbye ♪
♪ I'll tell them that there's merch in the store ♪
- Hi, I'm Tim Baker.
I'm the IT guy for SMOSH and Mythical.
I really like my job and I get to help people
with their computer techniques.
- How long's it gonna take, Tim?
- Not long, just gotta reboot and you'll be all set.
- Okay, thanks.
- No problem.
- Are you guys just gonna hang out in here or?
Okay.
- I am Tim.
- People in the post room usually smell pretty bad,
but Tim smells like brown sugar,
so it's nice to have him come in sometimes.
- People here are really nice to me.
I'm not Mr. Popular or anything,
but I think I brighten people's day.
Maybe I should squirt this on my keyboard
and then I can ketchup on my emails.
(Chris chuckles)
- Sorry, Tim, did you say something?
I was on Twitter.
- No, no.
I guess you could say I'm pretty fun to be around.
Yo.
- Hey, Tim, did we change the Wi-Fi password?
- Yeah, it's one word, all caps, no spaces.
It's all one, it's separate words
and there's a space between them,
and then there's like a capitalization
for each of the words.
- Hold on, what is it?
- Let me just write it down.
Do you have a pen?
- Hold on.
(suspenseful music)
- Cool.
Okay, so note the line under each.
Done, the line.
- Thanks. - Yeah, you're welcome.
So the bulk of my job is resetting the Wi-Fi
when it goes down.
Happens a lot, but I'm pretty fast.
- Anyone having a problem with the internet?
- Yeah, I think the Wi-Fi is down.
- I'm on it!
I'm on it!
I'm getting it!
So I speed walk a lot,
you don't wanna run, it's a tripping hazard
if I'm running or something.
When I did run before, Ian was like banging on the windows
and telling me not to.
- [Camera Man] Did that scare you?
No, no.
- [Camera Man] But that's why you speed walk now?
Yeah, speed walk at his request.
- Oh, it's back.
- Should we tell Tim?
- No, he's long gone.
(Tim's footsteps pounding)
I really like watching him run.
- It's all about the speed.
Every minute that the Wi-Fi is down,
that's like 38 minutes and everybody's down and out.
And that comes out of my paycheck.
- Tim, yeah, he's great.
I think the most impressive thing about him
is how fast he works.
He knows what we need before we even ask.
- I forgot my headphones today,
Chris, do you have extras?
- Here you go.
- Oh, thanks, Tim.
- No problem.
- Thanks Tim.
- Yeah, you're welcome.
- Remember that thing about personal space?
- Yes. - Great.
- You just have to be like really firm.
"Tim, leave, Tim, go further.
"Tim, that's not far enough."
- I'm a lingerer but I feel like people like me here
and I have a good thing going.
- [Camera Man] What do you think of the new guy?
- There's a new guy?
- [Camera Man] Kurt Maloney.
He worked here in like, 2016, now he's back.
- He's back.
- Oh, oh, the prodigal son has returned.
- You're back!
(cheering)
- Bring it in.
- Hi, hi, hi.
- [Camera Man] Are you gonna go say hi?
- No, he looks pretty busy.
Kurt and I went to high school together.
- [Camera Man] Were you guys friends?
Kind of.
Now I'm no barista, but the perfect cup of coffee
has a 16:1 water to bean ratio.
- Ha ha, what's up, fingerless gloves?
How're you doing, man?
How you been?
- Hey, how's it going, Kurt?
I wore fingerless gloves one time in high school
and he still calls me that.
It's not accurate.
- Nice, well, you cool if I take your coffee?
- Uh. - Thanks, man,
I'll see you around
a bunch. - Cool, great.
16:1, I don't know if I should,
oh, sure, why not.
So I should have done more water.
One second.
- I love Tim, he's the best.
Did he tell you we went to high school together?
He's hilarious.
He has been since high school.
Like he still wears vests, man.
He still wears vests.
That's so funny.
- They're not supposed to be funny.
They're nice, they're professional.
Plus my torso gets cold.
- Who wears vests?
You know what I'm saying,
like in an office, no one else is dressed that nice
and he's wearing a full vest.
Who in modern day wears a vest?
Alexander Hamilton, I think the KFC guy wears vests.
All of Mumford and Sons.
Woody Woodpecker.
Oh, people that are trying to hide their weird nipples.
I bet you he's got, like, weird nipples.
Like, for most people, just a shirt, can't see the nipples.
But he's got a shirt and he's gotta hide 'em extra
with the vest, 'cause they're probably gonna poke out
or something, I bet they're big.
- No, they're not.
They're normal size nipples.
They're not small or big or anything,
I don't know.
No, he's never seen me shirtless.
- Like pepperonis.
(laughs)
- Kurt's obsessed with my nipples.
He doesn't shut up about my nipples.
- 'Cause I bet he's got big nipples.
- Either way, it's better than
wearing a graphic tee that says,
I don't know, "farts are funny."
- He said my shirt was stupid?
- [Camera Man] No, he just said he'd never wear your shirt.
- No, I'm not thrilled he's back.
Anyway, enough about Kurt.
Wanna go see my place?
It's real close by.
Best part about living in a car,
virtually no commute.
Don't have to worry about parking
and I can be here lickety split if there's any problems.
It's not really that cold or anything
but I've got my vests,
I put those on for layers if I want.
I can brush my teeth.
I go Tom's 'cause it was Tim's, but it's one letter off.
There's usually water around.
If it rains, I collect it sometimes.
Also, I do a lot of meth,
so I can't really afford an apartment,
but that's all right. I get free parking.
- [Kurt] A meth addiction?
- [Camera Man] Yeah, Tim's meth addiction.
- Yeah, I've heard.
I've heard about that
and I feel guilty.
I introduced it to him.
And I keep giving it to him
'cause he's so fun.
The meth makes Tim fun and fast.
And who doesn't want a fun, fast Tim?
- So yeah, it's pretty roll around the office,
it's a pretty typical office.
Oh, and I love oatmeal,
I eat it like every day at lunch.
It's kind of my thing.
(upbeat music)
- I have no idea who you're talking about.
Who's Tim?
- [Camera Man] He's the, Tim, you know,
he eats a lot of oatmeal?
- Oh yeah, oatmeal guy, yeah, what about him?
- He's just the best thing at work.
(laughs)
He's just gotta hide his big nipples.
I can't.
I'm sorry, I gotta take a break.
(laughs)
Did you hear what I was saying?
He's got big nipples, yeah.
Make sure you get that.
He's got big nipples.
(laughs)
- I am Tim.
- So this is what you guys decided to do
instead of doing, you know,
your regular jobs, is that what I'm getting?
- [All] Yeah.
- That's what told me to do.
- And this is what you guys like?
- Oh yeah, dude. - Yeah.
Definitely. - Hell yeah,
are you kidding me?
- Look at him. - Look at Tim.
- Now with beard.
- Vest is the best. - That's right.
That's right.
- Your best is the vest, Tim.
- [Tim] Thanks!
- He's, like, showing up when I was setting up
my home computer and just trying to figure out
what cord goes in what, and he was there.
I traveled, and I was in Africa checking into a hotel.
I asked the front desk what the Wi-Fi password was,
he's just, like, popped up and gave it to me.
How did he get there, I don't know.
- [Camera Man] Did he ever explain how he got there?
No, I put it in, I looked up, he was gone.
'Cause he probably heard somebody else ask for, like,
oh, is their internet down, back here.
(beep)
(everyone goofing around)
(beep)
- Okay, if you have a pocket watch,
you have a vest, you know what I'm saying?
I bet you, if you poked in his pockets,
you would pull out a pocket watch.
(laughs)
(beep) Hello!
(laughs)
Hello, I am Tim.
Is the Wi-Fi good?
(beep)
One time he did let me copy his homework
and then I graduated so,
he's a good guy.
(beep) - And also,
I have a severe gambling addiction.
(beep)
And also, I owe a lot of money to the mob.
So staying in the car keeps me mobile.
(beep) You guys
aren't gonna post this anywhere, right?
- [Camera Man] It's an internal video only.
- Internal video, right.
Internal video only.
(beep)
- Well, that was the video.
I am definitely never leaving the country again.
If you wanna see another video,
you can just click right there.
And also, if you wanna keep these people employed,
you gotta buy some merch right now,
'cause they're on thin (beep) ice
after this video.
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