- And that's when they told me
I was being investigated
as an E.O.S...
An enemy of the state.
(audience laughing)
(intense hip hop music)
- Welcome to This Is Not Happening presents,
One Crazy Night.
So this is what we do,
a bunch of comedians
tell stories about a similar subject.
So this is just One Crazy Night.
Ladies and gentlemen, give it up
for Miss Julia Lillis, everybody.
(audience applauding)
- Thanks a lot, guys.
Um, so this story's 100% true.
Keep that in mind while we're going.
Back in 2007,
I had a short but serious
long distance relationship
with a douche bag in England.
(audience laughing) Um, yeah, for the douche bags.
I didn't realize at the time that he was a douche bag.
In fact, I actually thought he was the one.
Ladies, you feel me. (audience laughing)
I thought we were gonna get married.
I was gonna move to England.
We'd have a bunch of little British babies
who would have adorable little British accents
and call me Mummy.
I was like wildly excited about it all.
Um, then one day,
I'm on a Skype call with him and he dumps me
on Skype.
He Skype dumped me.
He Skumped me. (audience laughing)
Um, and I was devastated.
Like totally blindsided.
So I did what any rational girl would do, right.
I called up my mom, I called my best friend,
I called Papa Johns. (audience laughing)
Then I called 1-800-Expedia
and bought a one way ticket leaving that night
straight to England.
(audience laughing)
I just kept thinking, like and I honestly was thinking this,
I'm like if this was a romantic comedy
this is what the girl would do
and then she'd go there
and the guy would take her back.
Like that is what would happen.
What would Bridget Jones do?
Get her ass to England.
(audience laughing)
So, okay, so here was the plan.
This was literally the plan.
One, I was not gonna tell him I was coming, right.
Then I would get there, he'd still be at work,
but I would busy myself,
keep myself busy in his backyard
painting my nails, doing crossword puzzles.
Then he'd come home from work, we'd lock eyes.
He'd realize like, ah she's the one.
He'd propose on the spot,
we'd go out and bonus, my nails are already done.
We could get a ring stat. (audience laughing)
I had it all figured out, right.
So, I get on the flight that night.
And to keep myself distracted on the flight,
'cause any time I started thinking about what was happening,
I would like freak out.
So to distract myself, I'm a musical comedian
and I had a musical I had been toying around with writing.
So I decided to write it on the flight.
I started writing it.
I pull out a spiral notebook and I just write away.
And then, next thing you know, we're landing
and I start kinda losing it.
I'm like, ugh oh god, what's gonna happen?
What if he doesn't take me back?
This is crazy.
I start crying.
And I get in the customs line and I'm just crying
and I get to the front of the customs line
and there's this little customs agent.
He was like this 20 year old like adorable British kid
and he asked me um,
how long I would be in the country?
And I said, it depends if my boyfriend takes me back.
(audience laughing)
And then I told him the whole plan, you guys.
I told him everything.
I told him about the Skype dump.
I told him about the surprise.
The nail polish and the crossword puzzles
and I look at him and I'm like, is that crazy?
And I shit you not, this kid like,
straight out of a romantic comedy
in his adorable little British accent
looks me in the eye and he goes,
"You gotta do what you gotta do for love."
(laughing and applauding)
And I was like, yes!
You do gotta do what you gotta do for love
and I'm doing what I gotta do.
This is my romantic comedy.
I end up with the guy.
This is what Bridget Jones would do.
Everything is working perfectly.
And right then is when they detained me.
(audience laughing)
'Cause apparently like, when you are sobbing
and have no return plans
and bought a one way ticket six hours before your flight,
those are all things immigration officials
consider red flags.
(audience laughing)
So they brought me into the immigration detention center
and I waited there for like a long time.
Like hours and then like a lot more hours.
Like a long ass time.
Then they bring me out for an interrogation
and I had to tell them the whole plan, you know?
I had to tell them like, he's the one
and I just have to surprise him
and he'll remember I'm the one.
And they told me, they'd have to call him
to verify the story.
(audience gasps) I know, right?
Like, they clearly didn't understand
the importance of the surprise part of the plan.
So they call him.
And I'm there thinking like,
ugh, you know, if I'm lucky,
he'll think this is like charming and halarious
and something we'll like tell our kids about.
They'll be like, Mummy is so funny.
They come back in, they're like, we reached him.
And of course, I'm like, how'd he sound?
Was he mad?
Was he kind of excited?
Did he sound like he was smiling?
Um, I didn't get anything from them.
They did say, he verified your story.
He told us you're just a love sick girl from Los Angeles.
No reason to detain you any longer.
So I thought I was like home free.
And that's when they told me,
I was being investigated as an E.O.S.
I'm like, a what?
An enemy of the state.
(audience laughing)
And they took the spiral notebook out
that was in my carry on which they confiscated.
So here's the thing, this musical I was writing,
it was 2007, it was back when like.
Remember when Britney Spears was kinda going crazy?
She was like running around barefoot and eating Cheetos
and like she shaved her head.
So this was that timeframe.
So the basic premise of the musical was this,
what if Britney Spears was the pawn
of a terrorist organization (audience laughing)
and they had been raising her from birth
into a pop singing sensation
just waiting for the right time
to unleash her craziness on the whole country
so she would distract us all
while the terrorist organization attacked America.
(audience laughing)
So that's what they found in my carry on bag.
And like when I look at it, I looked at it,
it's like, these are just my pages of comedic dabbling.
They saw it as more of a terrorist manifesto.
(audience laughing)
And that's when I found myself
in the really awkward position of having to pitch
Britney Spears terrorist (audience laughing)
to a room full of Heathrow immigration officials.
Let me tell ya, they were a tough crowd.
(audience laughing)
Like, they did not think it was funny, like at all.
Finally, amazingly enough,
I did convince them
that I was just heartbroken girl from Los Angeles
who was trying to live out her own romantic comedy
while getting an unconventional musical off the ground
and they let me go.
I took a bus to the douche bags house and uh...
There was no surprise, you know,
no painting nails or crossword puzzles,
definitely no proposal.
We had a brief conversation that was kinda like,
but you're the one!
But you're not the one.
But you're the one!
But you're not the one.
It was, you know, that's the kinda conversation
that can kinda go on forever.
Eventually I think I just got tired.
I'm like, fine, I guess you're not the one.
And he bought me a one way ticket home
that left the next morning.
And I woke up, said goodbye,
and haven't spoken to him since.
(laughing and applauding) Thank you guys.
(rhythmic hip hop music)
- Julia Lillis, everybody.
Hi, everybody.
I hope you enjoyed the story.
If you did, click like down there
so that more people know that you liked it.
And don't forget to subscribe
so that you'll get the next story
as soon as it comes out.
(baby whimpering)