okay now here's what we do we read the letters letter number one begins dear dave holy crap
letterman holy crap of course is if you're just joining us it's my little trademark oh you have
a treasure yeah it's my little signature it's my little hook you don't remember that yeah holy
crap whenever i find something hard to believe i just holy crap and it's stuck it's worked out
pretty well yeah yeah yeah yeah that's my little trigger that's my little signature right there
what are some other show business signatures paul uh oh dawn yeah that was jack penny
that's right i guess i guess in a matter of speaking i was one yeah yeah sure right
don wilson and jack ben exactly that's right yeah okay
dear dave holy crap letterman do you play any sports a loyal fan tim herrera herrera
haver montana uh you know what uh i love those x games you folks watch the x games man i love that
i love the extreme sports you know they have have the extreme skating in the the extreme softball
and the extreme you know bowling and stuff and so um i've come up with a little thing it's called
it's not really a sport but i'm sure it'll catch on just like that holy crap thing has caught on
it's in extreme beveraging and it's what you do is uh you have like a i have a
little beverage in here and i don't believe there's a man woman or child alive today who
doesn't enjoy a tasty beverage this is this is normal beveraging just like right here
okay all right now here here now is extreme beveraging one two three here we go extreme
letter number two dear dave did you give paul a hundred
dollars to shave his head sincerely dwayne bent's uh rushmore minnesota
it's funny paul was nice enough and i think it looks great to shave his head for our
thousandth show a couple of months ago and i don't i didn't give him money i never give money in fact
it's a little known i don't think people paul receives no salary no paycheck no compensation
whatsoever am i right paul well right you are dave but i'll tell you something you folks at home
could make 1998 a record-breaking year here at the paul shaffer pay my salary telethon
yeah thank you thank you gentlemen and lady of course our goal here is 5 000 and so far i haven't
received any donations but the night is young and tonight i'm telling you we've got great tote bags
and mugs and we're going to be showing the three tenors in just a second so
let's make those phones light up and uh there here's a phone call right i'll take this one julia
hi paul schaefer's pay my salary telethon would you like to make a pledge paul i'm
a big fan my family loves your work oh that's so sweet how how much would you like to donate
tonight well i'm going to send you a check for ten dollars great ten dollars well that's
fabulous because i'll have no problem feeding my 11 children with 10 dogs keep it you trap
all right certainly looks like you'll be hitting that goal in no time you can only help something
paul schafer ladies and gentlemen keep up the good work thank you that was
their little uh their little telethon skit right there that's obligatory at some point
i thought it went pretty well didn't you paul what are you gonna do i know what are you gonna
do i did what i could do yeah i know you did everything you don't blame yourself
uh letter number three dear dave i was wondering if you ever ate at a restaurant where you were
shocked by the amount of the check uh best regards at don silvas bartlesville oklahoma uh you know
i guess in in its own way it's a pretty good question and uh i don't think so i don't think
that i've ever been really shocked by the amount of the check i was talking to our cue card kid
tony big inc mendez tony now you were telling me you in fact by all means remain squatting uh hey
you you told me that you had been in a restaurant where they brought you the check
at the end of your meal and you were stunned is that is that right that happened to me
the following comedy piece contains nudity
adult language and graphic violence your discussion is strongly advised
eighty dollars you gotta be kidding me
hello you get that well shotgunner huh shock him shockingly yeah yeah thanks
tony i'm not sure i get it but thanks people young and old the likes seem to enjoy it
uh hey dave what do you do with those blue cards on your desk uh what do they actually say justin
chan westchester pennsylvania the question is what do those blue cards on your desk actually say well
uh we print some of them this is like your letter uh justin is on this blue card and some of them
for example tell us uh who's gonna be on the show and uh we should have one here that's uh
the top ten list oh damn what no happened jen um you don't have the uh thing do you try no i know
okay i'm sorry i gotta go i'll be right back i gotta get the thing with the top ten listen
uh
all right so this is uh this is the top 10 list i'll tell you what we'll do we'll close up the
old cbs mailbag when we come back we'll read you the old top 10 list the list tonight the category
is a little confusing top 10 things my kitty would say if it could talk and i said we're pretending
now i have a kitty top 10 things my kitty if i had a kitty that's now you understand what i'm saying
top 10 things my kitty would say i don't i don't have a kitty but if i had a kitty
topten thinks it would say if it could talk a talking kitty a talking kitty
but i don't have one right if i did and it talked you know
here we go number ten get me out of this princess leia costume number nine
can't we watch nightline for a change number eight
all i ask is that you refang me and give me five minutes alone with socks
uh number seven when you wear your leather collar we look like twins
number six me now and forever number five i am not a hand puppet number four
you understand i don't have a kitty
uh number four you look like something i should be covering with sand number three
please stop suction cupping me to your car window number two
you should line my litter box with some of those top ten lists
ouch and the number one thing my kitty would say if it could talk i'm spayed what's your excuse