- (dude) I have a girlfriend.
She just goes to a different school.
- (Ian) SHUT UP!!!
- Have you ever wanted to be an independent person,
free from the shackles of a relationship?
Me neither, 'cause I'm a lonely little b*tch
just like you, so I'm gonna show you how to get a girlfriend.
Let's go.
First, make sure she's alive.
- Oh! What the f*ck?!
- (voice-over) Great!
- (Anthony) Become a stalker!
All girls really like when you take the time
to get to know everything about them,
but simply Facebook stalking them isn't accurate enough information.
(indistinct chatter on TV)
- "Has a boyfriend."
Challenge accepted.
- What the f*ck?!
AGH! AAAAH! OOOOH!
- (voice-over) Eye see what you did there!
(goofy chuckle) See what I did there?
- (Anthony) She won't get down and sleazy if you're easy.
- Hello?
- If you really wanna date me, you're gonna have to come find me.
The clue is that it's really hot and I'm in Hawaii.
- Um, are you in a volcano? - Yup!
AAAAAH!
- I got it right! Yes! (phone boops)
- (voice-over) Conglaturations! You're winner!
- (Anthony) Get her parents' approval.
If going directly to her doesn't work,
just go to her mom and charm her.
That way you get instant approval.
(gasps) (sensual moaning)
- What the hell?!
- (voice-over) Milftastic!!
- That's my dad.
- YARGGH! - (voice-over) Dilftastic?! I guess.
- (Anthony) Blackmail her.
- Wh-What?
- (Anthony) No, the other type of blackmail.
Still not the right blackmail!
No, not black nails.
Nope, not black Bale either.
Let's just forget this.
Okay, let's just move onto the next step.
Pretend to be someone else.
Hello, I am Mr. President Barack Obama.
- You're really the president?
- ...Yes.
- But you're married and have kids already. Gross!
- What the hell, Barack?
- Oh my god, Mrs. Obama!
I'm actually not your husband.
I was just wearing this amazing disguise
to trick this girl into liking me.
- Sir, China just sent warships into the sea in Japan!
What should we do?
- (stammering) I'm not--
- Press this button if you wanna launch the nukes!
- Uh... uh... - Press it!
PRESS IT! - Come on, Barack!
- Okay. (buzzer sounds)
- (voice-over) We're all dead!
- (Anthony) Just grow some f*cking balls.
When all else fails, take matters into your own hands,
conquer your fears, and just ask her out.
Look, I'm really scared you're going to say no,
but... will you go out with me? - Sure.
- Really? - Yeah.
I mean, you kidnapped me and dragged me to your house.
It's not like I had much of a choice.
- I didn't kidnap you.
- You literally used kidnapping rope.
It's a shame too.
If you'd just asked me, I would've said yes.
- Really?
- I mean, I've always really liked you.
And if you just untied, I'd show you how much.
- Okay! (chuckles)
(romantic music)
- (Ian's voice) Stop right there!
You're under arrest for being really bad at asking girls out!
- You were a cop the whole time?
- Uh-huh.
- But what about all the wonderful times we shared together?
- Huh...
As we go on
We remember some of the times that we spent together
- I'm really sorry.
Look, how about you just put that girl mask back on
and we can just look past all of this and just start over?
- Yeah. - Yeah?
- Yeah, we could-- BULLSH*T!!!
(gunshots) (Anthony groans)
(ammo shells clatter)
(nom nom nom)
- (voice-over) Took a bite out of crime!
- (Anthony) Hey guys. Thank you so much for subscribing.
Click the video on the left to check out bloopers and this:
- Uh, apparently my hair is too thick
and this popcorn is stuck and the only way to get it out is...
(vacuum sucks)
- (Ian) And click the video on the right if you wanna see
Every Walking Dead Ever.
Keith makes a really beautiful Michonne.
- Can't we just smear ourselves with guts
like you guys did that one time and walk through?
- No, we only use good ideas like that once!
- (Anthony) And if you can't click stuff on the screen,
click the stuff on the bottom of the description.