The Bahamas has just been hit
with one of the worst hurricanes ever recorded.
And with it being reported that 13,000 homes
may have been destroyed,
this island nation is gonna need as much help as they can get.
So please donate if you can.
Everybody's gonna need it.
And, you know, whenever I see this,
I always ask myself, I go, like,
"Why do hurricanes always destroy
the most beautiful places on Earth?"
Like, I wish hurricanes hit places
we actually wanted to rebuild, you know?
Like, why doesn't a hurricane hit LaGuardia Airport? Huh?
Yeah. That would be great.
Then we could start over from scratch and fix that shithole.
-(laughter) -Anyway, the chances are
the hurricane will be like, "LaGuardia? (bleep) that. No.
"They don't even have a place to charge your phone.
I'm not going there."
So Hurricane Dorian has slammed into the Bahamas,
and now it is headed towards the U.S.
The good news is, President Trump has a lot of experience
handling hurricanes of this magnitude.
The bad news is, he doesn't remember any of his experience.
NEWSWOMAN: The president appeared baffled
by the storm's intensity...
I'm not sure that I've ever even heard of a Category 5.
I knew it existed.
NEWSWOMAN: ...even though there have been
four Category 5 hurricanes since he's been in office.
It's not the first time he's claimed surprise
about the common term.
Category 5.
Never heard about Category 5's before.
Category 5 is big stuff.
Category 5. Nobody's ever heard of a 5 hitting land.
It actually touched down as a Category 5.
People have never... seen anything like that.
I never even knew a Category 5 existed.
Okay, this... this is just weird, man.
Every time a Category 5 storm comes,
Trump acts like it's never happened before?
It must be so strange working for Donald Trump.
Can you imagine what it's like, people just coming in,
"Mr. President, the hurricane is a Category 5."
(like Trump): "Wow, Category 5.
That's never happened before."
"No, sir, they happen all the time."
"What does?" "The Category 5."
"Wow! That's never happened before!"
(laughter)
And I don't know if Trump was having a slow weekend,
or if the barometric pressure from the storm
did something to his brain, because not only did he forget
how big the storm was, but he forgot where it was going.
NEWSMAN: The president also misstated
the storm's possible trajectory.
Alabama could even be in for...
at least some very strong winds, and something more than that.
It could be. So for Alabama, just please be careful, also.
NEWSMAN: Not long after that, the National Weather Service
corrected the president, saying Alabama will not see
any impacts from Dorian.
Yeah.
Trump had to be corrected by the National Weather Service.
And I know we're used to it by now,
but it still amazes me how often the government
has to tell you not to pay attention to the president.
Yeah, Trump is like your friend who you're driving home
from a wisdom tooth surgery, he's all drugged up,
yelling crazy shit out the window, like,
"There's a dragon in the next car!"
It's like, "No, Donald, that's just a hipster with a vape.
-Calm down!" -(laughter)
And I-I feel bad for anyone in Alabama.
'Cause can you imagine if people in Alabama heard Trump
and they took it seriously?
People were probably saying things
that they wouldn't normally say
'cause they think a hurricane is coming for them.
You can't take that shit back. Huh?
There's probably one family who was loading up the car,
like, "Quick, kids, get the Xbox, let's go."
It's like, "What about Grandma?" "Grandma doesn't play Fortnite!
"Get her out of here! She's dead weight!
What? No hurricane? All right, Grandma, I'm sorry about that."
So wherever it's headed, this hurricane is serious business.
But, unfortunately,
serious business is not Donald Trump's specialty.
While Hurricane Dorian was hitting the Bahamas,
President Trump was hitting the links.
On Monday, the president played golf
at his Trump National Golf Club in Virginia.
Aides say he did receive hourly briefings on the storm.
We should remind you President Trump had canceled
a diplomatic trip to Poland set to mark the 80th anniversary
of the beginning of World War II,
in order, his aides said, to better monitor the storm.
Yep.
Many people were outraged when they found out
the president went golfing as a hurricane barreled down
on the east coast of the United States.
But, in Trump's defense,
golf is a great way to monitor a hurricane.
Yeah. You're just like, "Uh, I think it's coming.
I think it's coming. Is it?"
You're just like, "Let me see. (makes whooshing sound)
"Oh, that went way off.
"Yeah, that's the hurricane. that's not me.
The hurricane's close."
So when it comes to hurricanes,
President Trump doesn't remember the category,
he doesn't know where they're going,
and he's not even really paying attention.
Luckily, he does have a way to stop them.
TV REPORTER: As Dorian churns, so are ideas
about how to stop hurricanes in their tracks.
Why? This report in Axios,
that President Trump suggested on multiple occasions
that national security officials
explore disrupting the storms
by dropping a nuke right into the middle of them.
Now, during a recent White House briefing,
Axios quotes the president saying,
"I got it, I got it, why don't we nuke them?
"They start forming off the coast of Africa,
"as they're moving across the Atlantic,
"we drop a bomb inside the eye of the hurricane
"and it disrupts it.
Why can't we do that?"
Well, the briefer reportedly replied, "We'll look into it."
(laughter)
Something tells me Trump hears the phrase,
"We'll look into it" about 50 times a day.
He just says random shit like,
(mimics Trump): "What if Oreos had the cream on the outside
and the cookie on the inside?"
(normal voice): "Uh, we'll look into it, sir."
(laughter)
Now, as president, you should know
that nuking a hurricane is a terrible idea, all right.
Not only will it not stop the hurricane,
but now you have nuclear fallout being spread
by 200-mile an hour winds.
The stuff's gonna go everywhere.
It's like taking a dump into an open Vitamix.
It's not a good idea.
Not to mention the effects on the ocean.
You've got nuclear waste going--
I mean, Osama bin Laden is in the ocean.
You drop a nuke, next thing you know,
you're 20 dealing with Godzilla bin Laden.
You don't know what that shit will do.
(laughter)
So, look. I know people get mad
when they see Trump playing golf as a hurricane is closing in,
but after everything we've heard,
I think the less involved Trump is
with this hurricane, the better it is.
Think about it. He doesn't know how big it is.
He doesn't know where it's going,
and he's got some batshit ideas for stopping it.
So I say let the man play his golf,
because if we don't there's a good chance
Trump ends up nuking Alabama.