- Welcome to Ask the Therapist.
I am here with Chase Brewer,
member of our therapeutic team,
and we are gonna talk about how you can support your partner
when they're depressed and burnt out.
Do you ever feel depressed and burnt out?
- There are occasions where I feel depressed
and burnt out, yes. - How much of that
is my fault?
- 90%. - Okay. (laughs)
(inspiring music)
- So you get depressed and burnt out,
what helps you, what does your wife do that helps you?
- What my wife does for me is she finds the time
to come talk to me.
- Yeah. - And asks me what's going on.
We make that a priority, fitting that in our busy schedule,
because I have kids
and our responsibilities are to the kids and making sure
that they're taken care of.
We have work responsibilities.
- Yeah.
- But it doesn't take priority over not scheduling in time
to where we need to talk to each other,
so my wife will find the time to reach out to me
and say, "Hey, I noticed that you're feeling down today-
- Mm. - What's going on,
how can I help?"
- Do you ever reach out to her if she's not seeing it,
or do you take the initiative on that,
or do you wait for her to come?
- Me, personally?
- Yeah, you personally.
- Yeah, no, I will reach out to her and say,
"Hey, you know what?
I'm not feeling happy today.
- Yeah. - I'm feeling discouraged,
I'm feeling like I just wanna just leave right now,
go in my room and just stay there for like a couple hours."
- 'Cause I think it's important to ask
'cause oftentimes we're expecting our partner
just to know, just to pick up on the signals,
and sometimes they're lost in their own world
with their own stuff.
Other times they see that you're feeling depressed
and burnt out, but then they may assume,
"Oh, well, if they want help, they'll ask for it,
so they just must need time right now,
so I'm gonna give them space."
- Yeah.
- And then people get hurt, like,
"You could see that I was hurting
and you didn't do anything."
And so it's important to take that initiative, right?
- It is, it is.
That's one of the problems, communication problems, right?
"You should just know what I'm thinking,
you should read my mind."
That's not the case.
- Being able to go up and saying,
"I'm having a hard day,"
and if your spouse doesn't know what to say
you can coach them through it and be like,
"So this is where you say, 'What do you need right now?'"
Right? (laughs)
Or, "Can I hold you," or, "Would you."
I know if Alicia is feeling depressed and burnt out,
the fastest thing I do is I get her food,
that is the best pick-me-up, we're definitely foodies.
We both get hangry and we both, not just hangry,
but like if our blood sugar is low,
it feels like the world is ending,
and it feels like everything's hopeless,
and so there are times when she is super bummed
and I'm like, "I brought you sushi," right?
Or, "Let's go get some Farrell's, let's go get a burrito,
and it really picks her up.
- Right.
So there's three things, right?
If you're hangry- - Yeah.
- Hungry, If you're tired- - Mm-hmm.
- Or if you're just having a bad day
and what's your mood like for that day?
- Yeah. - How can you adjust,
meeting their needs in that way?
- Yeah.
So if your partner is hangry, or anxious,
or angry, or feeling depressed.
If I'm depressed,
especially if I'm clinically depressed,
and I'm relying on my partner to make me feel better
and it's not working, they may feel like a failure,
and I may resent them because they're failing in a duty
that I never should have given them.
Our role in a relationship is support, it's supportive,
and sometimes you can't take things away.
If I'm your partner, I can make sure you're not alone.
- Right. - You know what I mean?
- Yeah.
- For me, personally, what Alicia does is she'll ask me
if I wanna go to the gym,
because oftentimes like I won't make time for it
'cause there's so many other things I have to do,
but just going and hitting the weights,
I feel the endorphins kick in, I feel such a boost,
and I feel more confident when I've exercised.
I like to tell people to exercise for sanity,
not for vanity, right? - Mm-hmm.
- So it's a reset for me.
She knows, "Hey, do you wanna watch a movie?"
Do you ever watch Parks and Rec?
Have you watched that show?
- I have not.
- There's an episode where Leslie,
there's a character named Leslie,
and her friend, Ron, for his birthday,
he's very introverted and he doesn't like people,
and he keeps telling her not to surprise him
for his birthday, he hates surprises-
(Chase laughs)
And she does surprise him during the Workday
'cause she's his boss.
She sets aside a conference room with a TV
and "The Dirty Dozen," his favorite war movie
and like a giant prime rib, and a glass of wine,
and mashed potatoes,
and he gets to celebrate his birthday alone
and it cheers him up 'cause he hates birthdays
and he was feeling down,
and it's exactly what he needed.
Know what your needs are
and communicate that to your partner.
And if your partner's feeling depressed,
asking them, "Hey, I want to be here for you,
but I'm not sure how to do that."
- Yeah. - You know?
- Yeah.
- So that's what works for us,
but what would you say to somebody who asks you in therapy,
"What can I do when my partner's feeling depressed
or burnt out?"
- One suggestion we would give
is knowing your partner's love language,
and if you're unfamiliar with what their love language is
or what yours is, is you can go on Google
and Google up "Five love language quiz,"
or, "Test." - Yeah.
- And whatever pops up,
you can take that quick five-minute assessment
and narrow down what your partner's love language is,
and what your love language is,
and so what are the love languages, right?
- Quality time. - Quality time.
- Physical touch, words of affirmation.
- Acts of service. - Acts of service,
and gift, gift-giving. - Mm-hmm.
And so you can connect with your spouse
who is feeling depressed by meeting their love
so that they can feel nourished.
- And there's a bonus two in my life
which is food and getting stuff done,
like being reliable, getting stuff done on time, right?
- If we're talking about bonuses
we could talk about giving your partner space.
- Yeah, for sure, absolutely.
Well, and it stands to reason
that if I'm feeling depressed and burnt out,
feeling loved will help me to elevate those mood levels
and find my hope again,
and so I think that's great advice,
knowing your partner's love language and speaking it.
But we also don't wanna assume, right?
And saying, "Hey, it seems like you're feeling down,
my understanding is that this would help you feel better,
is that what you need right now?"
And they could say yeah, or they could say no,
or they could say, "We can give it a try,"
which is probably the most likely thing
they would say. - Right.
It doesn't hurt to ask, your partner will guide you
on what help they need.
- Yeah.
And sometimes they'll say, "I don't know,"
and you're like, "Okay, I'm gonna shock at a bunch of these
and we're gonna see what sticks,"
but you also don't wanna pressure them
to have to feel better.
Most people want to feel better,
but sometimes, especially in the case
of clinical depression, it's not gonna happen,
they're in the middle of a depressed episode
but they don't have to be alone during it.
What do you do if you're both feeling depressed?
I think if you're both feeling depressed-
- And burned out. - And burnt out,
get some R&R, honestly, this is just my personal advice.
Alicia and I have been there where we both feel depressed,
we both, and what we both need is,
we'll get the kids to bed,
and then instead of going out and doing something,
we'll order food in.
And I know people say, "Don't just sit and watch TV," bull.
Sometimes that is a beautiful thing
- Sometimes, and it's okay to be lazy.
- Mm-hmm.
If there's cuddling, if there's foot massages,
all across the board, yeah.
Anyways-
- One thing that I would add is something to think about,
guys, is find the source,
what is making you feel burnt out?
If it's work-related, right?
Is it possible to unload that weight and responsibility,
cut back a little bit
so that you don't feel so burnt out.
- Yeah. - Right?
- 'Cause if you're taking care of yourself,
you're gonna be more available
for your spouse who is feeling depressed, right?
- Awesome, love it.
Well, this has been how to help your partner
if they are feeling depressed.
Let's talk about coping mechanisms,
and by lets, I mean I already did,
check out this video right here.
If you are struggling and need some support
and you live in the state of Utah, Chase is your guy,
there's a link in the comment section below
for a complimentary 50-minute consultation.
If you live outside of the state of Utah,
you can meet with another member of our team,
there's a link below for that as well.
As always, keep shining,
we need your light.
(inspiring music)
And here's the video I was telling you about,
check it out.
(inspiring music fades)