TV Host: Nick, in the case of Juan -
TV Host: You are the father!
[crowd cheering]
Russell: What's up guys?
Russell: I've received this request on my website to prank call a guy's cranky grandfather
called Nick.
Russell: It seems that dear old grandpa was quite the horndog in his youth.
Russell: Because back in the late 60s when he was stationed as a marine in Arizona -
Russell: - he used to sneak across the Mexican border to sleep with prostitutes every weekend.
Russell: Which really is such a touching, [sniffs], beautiful story.
Russell: The kind of story that all grandpa's should share with their grandkids.
Russell: So I called grandpa Nick as Juan.
Russell: To let him know that I'm his long lost son.
Russell: The one he never knew he had.
Russell: Without further ado, let's meet Juanito's papito. [crowd cheering]
[phone ringing]
Nick: Hello?
Juan: Yeah, hello, this is Nick [bleep] right?
Nick: Yeah, who's calling?
Juan: Yeah, it's Juanito.
Nick: Juanito?
Juan: Yeah, you - you're my father.
Nick: Your what?!
Juan: You're my father.
Juan: You know, my mother, you know, you - you spent some time with her in Mexico, I've been
trying -
Juan: - to find you for a very long time, you know?
Nick: Damn motherf**ker, you lost your f**king mind!
Juan: No, I spent like my whole life trying to find you.
Nick: No, you didn't tryna find me pal.
Juan: No, you remember back in the 60’s you were in the army, you know, she was, you
know -
Juan: - very beautiful lady and - you know, you remember -
Nick: I don’t know what are you talking about, and you don’t know what you’re
talking about, so f**k that s**t!
Juan: Okay, no, no, look, look, look, I - no - no - are you still in Yuma?
Juan: I'm coming to see you, I wanna just meet my father, you know? I have so much to
tell you.
Nick: Who the f**k give you my information, you crazy f**ker?
Juan: No, I - I do a research, you know, I try to look at the Googeling and Yahoo and
Bing.
Nick: You lost your mind man.
Juan: You're busting your n*t inside my mohter and she have a baby.
Nick: What the f**k?! You are nasty bastard on top of that!
Juan: No, no -
Nick: Get off my f**king phone you f**king idiot!
Juan: - my English is not good, I have no father!
Nick: That ain’t all that ain’t no good, your brain ain’t no good either, motherf**ker!
Juan: I'm telling you, you're my father!
Nick: Well, come up here and face me son!
Juan: Oh wait, but do you want like hug me or do you want like hit me?
Nick: Oh yeah, I'mma hug you buddy! I'mma hug you!
Nick: Hey listen, hey, you got any money, I need to borrow some money?
Juan: But - but I need money from you, I need like a child support.
Nick: Yeah, well you damn sure s**t out of luck in that case pal!
Juan: You know, I need child support for the past you know, 30, 40 years.
Nick: Uh, you're f**king crazy as hell. [phone call ends]
Juan: No, look, look, look, work with me, okay? I - I - like, I just need - I wanna
meet my father, I’m very lonely, hello?
[phone ringing]
Nick: Hello?
Chris: Yeah, hi, can I please speak with Nick [beep], please?
Nick: You got him.
Chris: Yeah hi, this is Christopher, I’m calling with the Open Door Adoption
Agency, how are you doing today?
Nick: Okay.
Chris: Um, we had an individual coming here tryna to get a paternity test
and tryna kind of work backwards to find out, you know...
Chris: Who may be, you know, his father. It does seem like there is
a half-Hispanic man that you may be the father of.
Nick: Uh, you think he’s got any money?
Nick: If he’s got some damn money, tell him to come on.
Nick: Um, I need a drink buddy!
Chris: Well no, I understand, you know, but the thing is that, you know -
Chris: - your son might help fill that hole in your heart instead of the alcohol. [phone
call ends]
Russell: [laughing] He hung up dude, this guy’s a character!
[phone ringing]
Nick: Hello?
Juan: Yeah, hello Nick, how are you my friend?
Nick: The f**k you want man? What the f**k you want?
Nick: Damn it, I’m sick of this s**t! What the fark is your problem?
Juan: Oh man, but porque, what’s the problemo? I’m just calling to say hello.
Nick: What the fark is your problem? I’m sick of your bulls**t goddamn it!
Juan: I thought you wanna be, you know, closer to me.
Nick: The f**k’s wrong with you? I don’t know what your f***ing problem is!
Juan: No, I have some tequila, you know, Chris tell me you wanted some alcohol or something
like this.
Nick: That’s right I need a f***ing drink, and I’mma mad son of a bitch -
Nick: - who’s ready to fight, and whoop somebody’s damn a** and I don’t really
care who it is!
Juan: Okay, what if I bring you, like, a drink and some marijuana?
Nick: I’ll whoop your a** boy!
Juan: Oh, my - my - you’re my father!
Nick: I will whoop your a** boy! I will whoop your a** boy!
Juan: Look, my mother - my mother - I will have her come with me -
Nick: I'll tell you what - Juan: We can take - we can take some shots!
Nick: You come on by here - you come on by here and I’ll show you how a foot will fit
in her a**!
Nick: Come on! I’ll stamp a mud hole in your a** and walk it dry boy!
Juan: I have a tequila, I’m gonna bring my mother she -
you can lick the salt from her finger, okay? And - we can -
Nick: Okay, alright, you do that pal, you do that! [hung up]
Juan: Yeah, but like -
Russell: [laughing] Oh my god! [laughing]
Russell: You guys have been begging me for longer content.
Russell: And sure as hell wanna deliver.
Russell: Here's another prank I did where I insisted this guy was my daddy.
Russell: And he was not very happy to hear back from his son Tyrone.
Nick: Hello?
Russell: Hello sir, this is Russell Schwartz with the Maury Show we're live on the air,
how are you doing today?
Nick: This is who?!
Russell: This is Russell Schwartz with the Maury Show.
Russell: Are you familiar with our show sir, I have some excellent news for you?
Nick: Lay it on me.
Russell: We found your son sir!
Russell: We actually found your son and he's been looking everywhere for you.
Russell: And you know, after 40 years, we're finally ready to reunite you with your son.
Nick: [stutter] What's his name?
Russell: Sir, do you remember Tyrone?
Nick: No.
Tyrone: Dad! Oh my God dad!
Tyrone: Honestly I couldn't be more happy to finally meet you my man.
Tyrone: I've been searching everywhere for you my brother.
Tyrone: It's been so long.
Tyrone: I can't wait to spend quality time with you my dawg.
Nick: Who are you?
Tyrone: This is Tyrone!
Tyrone: Remember back in the day you and my momma's -
Tyrone: - you know y'all had a thang, I understand you, you know, you fell on hard times and
stuff.
Tyrone: We can let bygones be bygones, I just want you in my life.
Nick: I don't even know who you are or anything about you.
Tyrone: Okay, remember back in like 1975 -
Tyrone: - you met my momma -
Tyrone: - her name was Shante.
Nick: Was who?
Tyrone: Her name was Shante, she said you liked to call her Bertha, apparently you nicknamed
her Bertha.
Tyrone: She said you busted a nut deep inside and then I was born.
Nick: No, that wasn't me.
Tyrone: Dad, can you just do me a favor, are you willing to take a DNA test just for closure?
Nick: Yes, but I don't know any Tyrone.
Tyrone: Is it okay if I send you a postcard with my picture? Can you give me your address
where I can send you one?
Nick: No.
Tyrone: C'mon man! I'mma send you a picture of my face and the picture of my penis -
Tyrone: - because you blessed my dawg.
Nick: You're gonna have to send this [***] because I'm not giving you my address.
Tyrone: C'mon dawg like, don't make me reverse to MD5#, I could just find it -
Tyrone: - but like no need to be heartless a**hole like -
Nick: Well then, you do that! Bye!
Tyrone: It's just [censored]
Tyrone: I'm your motherf**king son!
Tyrone: He - hello?
[phone ringing]
Nick: Hello?
Buk Lau: Yeah hello, is this Roger? Dr. Ru calling.
Nick: Who?
Buk Lau: Uh, this is Dr. Ru looking for Roger.
Nick: You have to wrong number.
Buk Lau: No, I think it's you, you have to come here for the - I'm doing the DNA test
from Maury.
Buk Lau: The guy called you about that right?
Nick: Say that again.
Buk Lau: Yeah, from last week's episode we had your son Tyrone trying to do the DNA test.
Buk Lau: I'm coming there right now to [beep].
Buk Lau: Uh - Are you home -
[very loud noise]
Nick: Hold on...
Nick: Say that again?
Nick: I dropped the phone. I'm sorry.
Buk Lau: It's okay man, you had one too many my brother. It's only two o'clock. [giggle]
Nick: I just dropped the phone!
Buk Lau: Oh, okay. I thought you drunk.
Buk Lau: Uh, but basically we coming there to do the DNA test.
Buk Lau: We have to get the swab and then also compare your DNA fom the semens, right?
Buk Lau: Your son Tyrone?
Nick: So, so why not?
Buk Lau: We want to reunite you for the paternity test.
Buk Lau: Remember you're his father?
Nick: What's his name?
Buk Lau: Tyrone.
Nick: Never heard of him before.
Buk Lau: Okay, but basically we have to come over and
then you have to bust the nut in the cup, right?
Buk Lau: Your son Tyrone he already do it, and then we gonna compare it in the lab.
Buk Lau: Listen, if you're too old to bust the nut, we can find another way, right?
Buk Lau: It's okay, right? We just want to see if you can do it.
Nick: No!
Buk Lau: Okay, how about this: can we send you a postcard
just showing the information here so then we can reschedule
Nick: NO!
Buk Lau: But why not?
Nick: Because I'm not the guy!
Buk Lau: But I have the Nigerian nurse here, he's ready.
Buk Lau: He was gonna come help you with that.
Alexander: My brother... Nick: I don't think we could. I'm not the
guy!
Alexander: My brother, we just - we want yo to bust the nut.
Alexander: In the cup. Can you do it?
Russell: Sir, that was the nurse. He's trying to get - Hello?
Russell: Hello sir?
Russell: Hello sir, I'm the driver -
Nick: I'm hanging up.
Russell: Yes, I'm - I'm the driver here, I have the nurse Lau in the car
Russell: Um, and also in addition to uh - the other nurse who's gonna go ahead and take
care of the extraction.
Russell: Is that okay?
Alexander: Yes, my brother. Don't worry, you're gonna be in the best hands, my brother.
Alexander: I want to help you, okay?
Nick: You are - [stuttering] You wanna help me?
Alexander: And after you bust the nut, I will bring you the -
Nick: You're not gonna help - Leave me the f**k alone! I'm not the guy!
Alexander: I will bring you the kick in the cup. My brother, what do you think about this?
Buk Lau: Oky man, listen. Do you want me to do it? I can do the extraction too.
Nick: NO!
Buk Lau: If you feel uncomfortable, I - I- I just - I wa -
Nick: I am not the guy!
Buk Lau: You don't remember -
Nick: I am white! I'm not black!
Buk Lau: I know. It's okay man, that's what interracial, right, like - [stuttering]
Buk Lau: Tyrone is not -
Nick: NO! [indistinctive] I'm not the guy!
Buk Lau: I understand, okay? But I am not here to judge you -
Nick: Do you understand? Know what that means?
Buk Lau: [stuttering]
Nick: What does that mean? Leave me the f**k alone!
Buk Lau: [screams] My -
Nick: That's what it means!
Buk Lau: [screams] My husband is Indian, right? That's why I support you. Like -
Nick: I don't give a shit if you're Chinese!
Buk Lau: Yeah, but Chinese would be like, uh - My bro-
Nick: I said I don't care!
Buk Lau: Oh, okay, you're making a comparison, okay.
Buk Lau: Uh - any way I can -
Nick: [indistinctive]
Nick: Vietnamese, I still don't care!
Buk Lau: Okay. My brother, can I help you -
Nick: You could be Chinese, I don't care!
Buk Lau: How can we lower your -
Nick: You could be Philipino, I don't care!
Buk Lau: [screams] How can we lower your blood pressure a little bit, my friend?
Buk Lau: You scream in to my - Nick: What?
Buk Lau: You screaming to mic man, my ear, right? Like, I tried to hear you -
Nick: Good, because you're not listening to what I say!
Nick: I am not the guy!
Alexander: My brother, listen my brother, all we have to do is we gonna come there for
10 minutes.
Alexander: All you have to do is bust the nut.
Buk Lau: You hear him? All you have to do is bust the nut. It's very quick.
Buk Lau: [stuttering] Depending on how -
Nick: I'm gonna hang up, and don't come! I'm not the guy! Bye!
Buk Lau: You have to come. In the cup... [phone call ends]
Russell: [laughing]
[people cheering]