Look at this little crab, venturing out on the beach by itself.
Its parents are nowhere to be seen – young crabs look for food on their own,
protect themselves from danger and rely on their instincts to survive.
The role of their parents is limited to reproduction.
For humans, the responsibilities of parenthood are a bit more complicated and last far longer.
So it’s only natural for us to give a lot of thought to what it takes to be a good caregiver for a child.
Should children be allowed to investigate the world on their own, or should we warn them about risks?
Is it best for children to be cared for exclusively by their parents?
Should parents feel guilty about arguing in front of their children or do kids benefit
from seeing how people can work through their disagreements?
Different opinions about these questions can lead to uncertainty among parents and other caregivers.
Folk wisdom has lots of answers – but unfortunately, this advice can be quite contradictory.
Let’s take a step back and consider what makes for a good childhood.
Obviously, it is crucial to meet children’s basic needs, which include clothing, nutritious food,
clean water and a roof over their heads.
We also know a lot about the consequences that negative experiences such as trauma and abuse
can have for child development.
But there is much more to being a good caregiver than meeting basic survival needs and avoiding harm.
One aspect that is often overlooked, but that is very important for healthy development in children,
is attention to their social and emotional needs.
Scientists have identified two ways in which caregivers can support social and emotional development:
by providing cognitive and emotional input.
Cognitive input, such as exposure to words, music and puzzles, promotes the ability to learn.
Emotional input, like hugs and praise, fosters a nurturing and supportive relationship between child and caregiver.
If one type of input or the other is lacking, it hampers the child’s development.
Let's have a look at a few examples that allow children to thrive:
From birth, children need to hear language.
Studies have shown the importance of speaking directly to children, commenting on what is happening around them
and verbalizing thoughts and feelings that they may be having.
This type of cognitive input is linked directly to emotional input:
being attuned to children’s thoughts and feelings, and responding with affection and empathy.
Suffering should be acknowledged, not dismissed with comments like
"stop crying, it doesn't hurt that much."
A child should receive comfort from a caregiver when upset.
The crucial thing for caregivers to remember is to be responsive to the child,
rather than focusing on their own preferences and needs.
Sometimes, of course, an adult has to make necessary decisions, for instance when it’s time to go to school.
All of this may sound pretty exhausting.
Parents still have lives of their own, after all – and this is a very important fact to remember!
Fortunately, being a good parent doesn’t have to mean spending every waking minute with your child.
Indeed, research has shown that children can thrive when they have more than one trusted caregiver.
Much better than a stressed-out stay-at-home parent is a rested parent who shares childcare
responsibilities with a partner or another caregiver, and perhaps with a good daycare centre as well.
Parents are more likely to have the emotional energy they need to be sensitive and responsive
to their children if they are able to share the load with others.
And it is also perfectly normal to make mistakes, which can even provide a teaching opportunity:
Honestly acknowledging a parenting error conveys a message to children that they are not themselves
“bad” or to blame for their parents' behavior, and fosters trust.
For you, as caregivers, then, there are several things to keep in mind while trying to meet
your child's cognitive and emotional needs: take breaks, get help with childcare when
you feel overwhelmed, acknowledge your mistakes, and try to do better next time.
Be kind to your child, but don't forget to be kind to yourself as well!
A happy, healthy parent is more likely to have a happy, healthy child.