(cheerful music)
- Welcome back to Couples Talk.
I'm Jonathan Decker, Licensed Therapist.
- I'm Alicia Decker, co-founder of Mended Light.
- And today with us are the Tottens,
Heidi and Dave Totten.
We've been talking in a previous video
about your experience in Kenya
and what pursuing that dream has meant for your marriage.
Today we want to cover something else.
You two are raising teenagers.
- Woo-hoo. - Yeah.
- What are your secrets?
(laughter) - The secrets.
Take them with you. Honestly.
Giving Kids kids the perspective of what I'm doing.
They not only do they know everything
that's going on in Kenya,
but when I'm in that crash and burn,
"I can't do this anymore. This is too hard."
They're the ones that say
"Oh no, you've made that promise."
- Yeah. - You will do this.
So when we take them with us, right?
My daughter's been seven times.
Our daughter's been seven times.
I'm like, she's my daughter when we're in Kenya,
because he's not usually there but
she's had this experience of growing up in Kenya
that has made all the difference.
Now, I know it's challenging for people to take their kids
to Kenya. I mean, that's not what I'm--
(stammers) Of course I'm recommending it,
but that's not what I'm saying in terms of raising kids,
but giving their kids a different perspective
through service is really, really important.
And so, you know, when I did this, when I started this,
of course, my daughter was 10, son was 12 and a half.
And I thought "What am I doing?"
You know, like "What am I going to put them through?"
And at the same time,
"What do they get to see their mother do?"
- [Jonathan] Yeah.
- So here's my big statement about raising teenagers
is that they need to see their parents
achieving their dreams
in order to know that they can go after theirs.
And I think that that has been so flipped
and that parents are just like
"It's all about the kids." No, it's not.
It's not, I'm just going to challenge that.
- It's a balance. - It's not all about it.
You have to show them how to pursue their dreams
and you still have a life
just because you got to the age of
"Okay, now I have my little teenage life."
- My kids are my life and that's it.
- Yeah, and I'm like,
kids are amazing and they're going to grow up
and they're going to have their lives.
And then you're going to be like,
"What are we supposed to?"
- Well, like Alicia said, it's a balance because
of course you could go too far in the wrong direction
where it's all about the parents
and I've seen that happen,
but sharing your interests with your kids
and also being interested in what they're interested in,
showing them I'm going after what I want.
And just because this is what I want
doesn't mean you have to do the same thing, you know,
there's also a lot of that.
Like you got to follow in your family's footsteps.
Inherit the family business, do things the way, you know,
there's a lot of attorneys in my family
and my dad was like
"Have you considered Law son?"
And I'm like "Hm, not a fit for me, not who I want to be."
And he was supportive of that. You know?
- So what I hear you saying, Heidi,
is a couple key things that we can all apply to our lives
is involving your kids in your work,
whatever your work may be, right?
Sharing that passion with them,
setting that example of
"I'm achieving my dreams."
And also I'm going to support you in achieving yours
and what that looks like as a teenager
is even figuring out what your dreams are, right?
Cause it's a beautiful time to explore and to learn
and to grow.
- And that's really been a big thing.
Like our son has pursued teaching people
how to make dream catchers.
He learned how to make it from--
make them from a blind Native American Shaman
who's an albino that lives in Vegas.
(laughter) And he, it--
he considers her his mentor
and he started making dream catchers and they're beautiful.
And he started a side business selling them, right?
And then last summer he said,
"I want to learn how to crochet."
And now he's crocheting blankets for people.
And he's like
"Hey, I am, I'll make you a deal.
You buy me the yarn and all crochet the blanket."
And so saying "All right, go pursue that."
You know, 17 year old boy
that's his interest and video games, right?
- Right.
- Don't leave the video games out.
- Don't leave the video games out but (mumbles) video games.
And so it was really just like,
instead of trying to pigeon hole him into sports
or pigeon hole him into things like that,
saying "All right, you get to figure out
what you really love." - [Jonathan] Yeah.
- And we'll just roll with that.
- You know, I'm reminded of a
Jerry Seinfeld once made a joke where he was at a restaurant
and he looked over the person at the table next to him
and he's like "Well, they're attractive.
What are they eating? I wonder if I should eat that."
(laughter)
And I look at you two and I look at your family
and I look at your teenagers
and I look at how well everything functions
and of course you're human and there's conflict
and there's buzz and you know but
you have a healthy family.
And so question for both of you,
but I'm going to start with you because you--
as you mentioned last video,
you do a lot of work as a parent.
I mean, you're a very, very involved parent.
So I look at you with your teenagers.
I'm like "Well, whatever they're doing is working."
Like, what are you guys doing? You know.
Like kinda like the Seinfeld thing.
What is your advice for raising teens?
- Find something that they're interested
and get interested in it as well.
(stammers)
Our kids like games.
And so I play Minecraft with the kids.
I pay for a Minecraft server so that we can all play.
Heidi doesn't want to get involved in that. But--
- Alicia and I are over here in awe of your sacrifice.
(laughter)
- I have played Minecraft a few times with my kids.
It's what we've done for our one-on-one time.
And it's not my favorite.
(laughs) - [Dave] Yeah.
- I mean, I think it's cool.
But my thing is like in order to get into Minecraft,
you have to get into Minecraft.
It's not like Super Mario where you play a few levels,
you know? And you're like, well, that was fun.
Like Minecraft, you're building whole worlds and stuff.
So, yeah, but I remember my mom, she--
I was interested in Jackie Chan in high school
and my mom of her own accord would--
that would be the most distant thing from interests,
but she's like "All right, let's--"
She bought me his biography, you know,
she would watch the movies with me
and she'd be like, tell me why you like this.
And I'd be like,
"It's like Gene Kelly and Fred Astaire,
but with punching and kicking."
And she's like "Okay, I can see that."
And you know, and we really bonded.
And it meant--
I knew that this was not something that she was just into.
I knew that it was because of me
and that meant the world to me.
- Yeah. And it's important to do that
because, you know, (stammers)
you can have one-on-one time as well.
My daughter likes to go on walks
and I need to go on walks
cause I'm trying to lose some weight.
So she likes to go with me and we have good times
of just talking
and connecting and, you know, with my son, I,
you know, he was looking for something to do.
He has to have something to do with his hands.
- Like vicious.
- Well. (laughter)
But you know, he watches videos or whatever,
or learns how to do things in his games or whatever,
but he needs to have something to do with his hands.
And so he wanted to crochet his blanket or do something.
And so I said, well, you know, I'm--
"My office is down in the downstairs kitchen
and my back is up against this outside door
and it gets cold sometimes.
So why don't I just go ahead and buy a blanket from you?"
And so-- and he came in and, you know,
measured and planned it all out.
And, you know, I funded a blanket that I have now,
and it's awesome.
And you know,
we just connected a lot in that aspect.
And we've had lots of conversations,
he's getting older, he wants to--
he's trying to figure out what he wants to do,
what he's interested in.
And, you know,
we've had lots of those kinds of conversations as well.
So it's that connection that I think is important.
- [Jonathan] Yeah. Awesome.
- Creating that connection.
And, Heidi, you mentioned something
when we were talking off camera
that I definitely want to bring up
of how-- because raising teenagers, there's always conflict.
There's always
the impact of friends, right?
And peers and stuff like that.
And so how--
and you've had some of those challenges,
how do you handle that with your kids?
- There are a few things that I do
that are like my non-negotiables.
Our daughter really struggled in seventh grade,
which, what kid doesn't struggle in seventh grade?
But we had been coming out of homeschool.
So we homeschooled for years and then
put them in a charter school
and it was like dumping them into the lion's den, you know,
in terms of, they weren't emotionally equipped
to be able to handle those types of-- that type of chaos.
And so we have put ourselves--
- Girls in particular can be really mean at that age.
(laughs) No they can.
- Oh, I know. - Yeah, seventh grade is just,
I mean, universally, you know,
So I have few non-negotiables.
One is I go in and I pray with my daughter every night
we take turns and I use that as an excuse
to start talking to her.
So what'd you do today?
Like, how was your day? Blah, blah, blah.
Sometimes it's like, mom, I gotta go to bed.
It doesn't matter. I'm opening the door, right?
I'm giving her that opportunity.
And sometimes it's like opening the flood gates
and she'll tell me everything,
but she knows that I'm in her room every night.
Now, when we first started that
it was right after her horrible seventh grade.
And so it was a fight, not really a fight.
I mean, she was willing to do it, but it was like,
not
that habit.
Now, she's like "Mom, come pray. Mom, come pray."
Or she'll come into my room.
So now it's--
and it's become really
an opportunity for me to tell her,
like how amazing she is,
how I will never put her in harm's way like friends will.
That if she feels off about something
like she's ended friendships cause she'll come to us
and she'll say "Yeah, I stopped talking to that person
because it's really toxic." Right?
So we're giving them the language
of being able to say no.
And I talked to her about boundaries
and I'm like "Hold your boundaries."
So she really, she's like "I tell my mom everything."
Well, what 15 year old girl tells her mom everything?
It's because I give her not just
the ability.
Well, it's not just because I opened the door to it,
but I give her that specific time that she knows
is the time that she can talk about anything.
- Wow, that's brilliant. - You know?
- It's a brilliant idea. - And it was just,
it was literally one of those things where I was like,
"Okay, what could I do just every single day."
That, and I'm super annoying.
And I'm si--
Like we are so-- we like mall our kids
we're super affectionate with them
and just obnoxious.
And so, you know, it's really that
we're trying as much as possible to create
their love language for them
to be the people that do that.
- Alicia does that with our-- we have a teenager.
And when he's like just grunting, instead of communicating,
she'll pretend that he just had
a really meaningful conversation with her
and just continue as if they just had this wonderful moment
and it's (laughs) and you know, once he actually started
to come out of it instead of--
- And then I hug him and I rub my cheek against his cheek.
(laughs)
And I tell him how lovable he is. (laughter)
- Right. - That's awesome.
- So what I hear you saying
is you're creating meaningful ritual connections
- [Heidi] Yes.
In a way that works for you and works for your kids,
where you're seeking to meet their needs.
And then you're talking to them about the fact
that you're trying to meet their needs.
And I think,
I think that's powerful.
And I know there's--
we have similar things that we do.
And sometimes when it's like, I'm trying this,
but it's missing the mark.
I even have that conversation with my kids
and be like "I'm trying to love you.
Like, and this isn't working."
So what do I need to do differently?
- So there's this book called Men Made Easy
and I actually read it decades ago.
And then I practiced on him and I would tell him,
I would be like "I'm practicing Men Made Easy on you."
Right? And so he was like "Okay, it's working."
You know, so (laughter) whatever you're doing, it's working.
I kind of have that same philosophy with the kids.
So I'll say to Clara, my daughter, I'm like,
"I need to give you a 22 second hug
at least a couple of times a day."
This is our 22 second hug, right?
So I tell them what I'm doing
in order to also teach them how to parent someday, right?
And they'll do it back to me. It's hilarious.
There'll be like "Mom, I'm giving you
your 22 second hug, right?
So the other night she comes in and I'm like,
"I need my hug." She gives me a hug.
She's like "You only get 10 seconds"
and ran out of the room.
(laughter) So it's,
it's we're teaching them as well as doing it
so that they understand that Why, you know,
when we're talking about teenagers need to know why
you do the things that you do.
And so I'll say "I'm doing this because..."
or I'll joke and I'll say,
"I'm doing this because I read a parenting book
and it told me to do this, right?"
So I try to make it really funny like that.
And we're basically telling them all the time,
"Hey, you know what? We still sometimes feel your age."
Like "You should know, parents do not have it figured out
because they're parents at all."
So if we make mistakes,
it's because our parents made mistakes
and their parents made mistakes.
And so we're being really open and honest about that.
And we don't mince words. Like we're not,
we talk about hard stuff, you know,
we're very open and because you have to be in today's world.
I mean, my word, what our teenagers are facing
compared to even what we face,
I thought the eighties were a little scary,
- The eighties were just the opening act.
- But it's nothing compared to now.
Yeah the eighties were just the opening act, so...
- Well. And I think you talked about making mistakes.
We miss opportunities to teach our children accountability
and humility when we don't model that.
- [Heidi] Absolutely.
- I know a lot of parents want to present
as having all the answers or, you know,
they even blame the kids for their own behavior.
Like, "Look what you made me do."
Or "I only acted that way because--"
and that's what you're teaching.
And then these same parents get frustrated when their kids
don't take ownership, right?
And so being imperfect
I think is actually a beautiful thing as a parent
because we can model, you know,
"I was out of line and I'm sorry"
or "I was mistaken and--."
My mom did that.
She was always willing to learn from her kids
and that didn't diminish her authority.
It increased it.
- It really does make a difference.
There are so many times where I will let my kids help me
because I want them to practice compassion.
And it's--
the other night, in fact, I--
my son had been triggering me so badly.
This is kind of funny.
And this will tell you, Dave's asleep.
My kids come into the room, Dave's asleep.
We have this whole conversation. Josh triggers me.
I ended up bawling my head off. Dave's asleep
like the entire time. (laughter)
And I'm like "How is he sleeping through this?" Right?
And the kids were like "How is dad sleeping through this?"
When we're all sitting there talking openly and stuff,
- Were you really asleep? - Oh, I was asleep.
I don't remember.
- Because I can see myself being like, if I hold--
it's like Jurassic park. Their vision is based on movement.
(laughter)
Hold very still. (laughs)
- You know, one time he even flipped over
and I thought he was going to be like
"What's happening?" Nothing.
But in that time,
I was allowing them to support me
because I had had a really emotional day
and I was just really triggered
and I kept saying to Josh, I kept saying "Please stop.
Cause I'm getting past my point" you know?
And they know, because I say, "Guys, I'm getting,
I'm getting to the point where I'm going to explode" right?
So-- and he was pushing it and pushing it and pushing it.
And, you know, Clara comes in and she's like "Cut it out."
You know, like yelling at
our son and stuff like that.
And, but I was like, I'm exhausted.
I just want them to go away so I can go to sleep.
But at the same time,
this is such a learning lesson for them.
- Yeah, well, it's okay for your kids.
to be-- it's okay to let your kids be there for you.
As long as that doesn't become the dominant role, you know,
(stammers) they're not your parents.
They're not your therapist, but person to person
they can be there for you.
- I think that the thing is,
is that when you learn from other parents as well,
and when you have that communication with other parents
and say, "Hey, what works for you in this?"
I always called my aunt, Martha, "This is happening.
What do I do? What's your experience?"
Where instead of trying to be a parent that knows it all
and understands it all, and we have this perfect family,
but saying, "Okay, my kid's doing this.
I need help. What's worked for you?"
And then trying it, you know,
and being honest with your kids and saying,
"Hey, my friend's kid went through this.
This is what they told me, will that help you?" right?
So having those conversations
and it teaches them how to parent as well.
- That's beautiful. So powerful, thank you so much.
So we want to thank the Tottens for being here
for this segment of Couples Talk.
If you enjoy learning from them and hearing what they do,
visit a 100humanitarians.com to see more of Heidi's work.
If you enjoy what we're doing here on Mended Light,
please like and subscribe, click the bell,
to get all of our videos
and tell your friends what we're doing,
because we're here to make a difference.
We're here to help you let your light shine to the world.
If you enjoyed this video,
we want to direct you to our other raising teenagers.
Need I say more?
Link is right down there.
And until next time keep shining.
We need your light.
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