I kind of see my experience with addiction, you know... there's times people in your life
saying "You know you need to quit," or "You need to change."
And then beginning to want that... but wanting it... but not having the ability to do it.
I was born in North Carolina.
Grew up on the coast.
The ocean, the beach, my family, my parents... hard workers.
Very loving home, very generous, and had a lot of opportunities.
Just growing up on the coast, to be out in the water.
I grew up skateboarding, surfing.
And growing up on the beach… there was a beach service that I can remember, you know,
surfing Sunday mornings, and I could hear the preacher on the PA.
Often times, sadly, growing up on the beach, a lot of party life... and growing up, as
a young kid and getting involved early on with drinking and drugs.
But really, I think, just summarizing the search.
Searching for truth, what's real.
I could remember being a young kid, and being out in the water surfing… and the clouds
just how they hang low… and the summer.
And just the majesty of it, and in wondering where'd this come from?
Who made all this?
And so, getting introduced to party culture, and thinking this is what I want to do—I
don't want to finish school, I don't want to stay put…
I want to travel, I want to see music, and party with my friends—and that kind of spiraled
to just darkness, madness.
I've been in and out of a couple rehabs, but I met a young girl in rehab and we were married
pretty soon.
And honestly, I was a horrible husband.
She became pregnant and we have a son together.
I kind of thought, "Okay, here's what I'm gonna change.
Here's how I'm gonna change."
I can remember when he was born, I had drugs at the hospital and I remember throwing them
in a trash can in the parking lot.
Yeah, I couldn't keep it together, and I began using drugs again, and I began drinking.
She did what she had to do.
She left.
I descended and couldn't… just couldn't keep it together.
So, moving back in with my parents and getting some work in a restaurant business.
And that's where I met Bartges.
She came in one night with her friend, and I saw her, I started talking to her, I just
kind of abandoned my job—sat down with her, and we’re talking.
And so that led to us starting to date, and hearing about her and her life—she was a
student in a Christian college.
And at that time just me really wrestling with what I had lost, and seeing other guys
who had families and able to be a dad to their children.
There's this longing my life…
I want to have that again, and thinking, “Will I ever have a family again?”
I mean… that's so… yeah, I mean, her being such a draw, and a hope, and her being a Christian,
and her… yeah, that was like then…
Maybe she could, you know…
I could just grab on to her and we can… and I can change.
And I could be that guy.
I want to be…
I could be a dad, I could have a family, I could be a husband.
And just her heart, her spirit, her beauty, so much to that draw, which was Christ.
When Bartges and I first started dating, she gave me this book by R.C.
Sproul, Now That's a Good Question.
And she wrote in the book, "Brett, may you grow in the knowledge and grace of our Lord
Jesus Christ.
God has used this book a great deal in my life.
Sproul is one of my favorite writers, I hope you enjoy it as well as I have.
Love Bartges."
And she being a believer, and the Lord's light, and her… that He used to draw me.
We become engaged and we were preparing for marriage, and she is attending a PCA church
in Clemson.
Jimmy Hagen is the pastor there, he's doing our premarital, and you know, just sharing
Christ with me.
And so, he marries us.
We're married and it's not, you know, a couple of days after a honey moon, she realizes I'm
still doing drugs.
And she's distraught and heartbroken.
And she reaches out to Jimmy… she's like, "Hey," you know, "we need to meet."
So we started having counseling with him.
He says, you know, "It's not what goes into a man that defiles him, it’s what comes
out of his heart.
Yeah, drugs are not good, it's not.
But that's not your problem.
Sin is your problem, and your need for Christ."
And like, I could remember being at my dealer's house one day and thinking about Jimmy, just
talking about how the Holy Spirit would pray… like the Holy Spirit is praying for you.
And here I am…
I'm buying drugs, I'm getting high, and that there's this… that God would be… desire
me.
God would pursue me.
Man, it’s just… it's awesome.
So, I came to that passage in 2 Peter, where he talks about, you know, those that have
tasted of heavenly things, those that have experienced God, but then they go back to
their old ways like a dog returning to its vomit.
I was like, that's me.
Remember coming home and telling my wife.
And there getting down on my knees and just tears like, I don't want to die.
I remember that night praying, getting on my knees, and praying…
I always love Psalm 119… you know, the verse where David says "I'm severely afflicted,
give me life according to Your promise."
I remember praying that, “Lord, I’m messed up,” I resonated with the word "afflicted."
That's me.
I am messed up, and that became my prayer.
And I can remember, you know, I don't know where I got it… but started praying like,
"Lord make my desires Your desires."
And then He answered that prayer, you know, from that… just, you know, growing as a
Christian and growing as a believer, and now understanding, you know, the promises—where
the Lord says in Jeremiah 24, He says, "I'll give them a heart to know Me, then they'll
return to Me with their whole heart.
I'll give that to them."
And He gave that to me, He loved me here—my darkest—He's loved me through, He's gonna
love me to the end.