[Applause]
all right thank you hello there's my
second time on the show
all right the first time
must have been okay but they say during
the summer that drinks are ice-cold
I hope not because that means they would
be impossible to drink because they
would be solid there's here's a beer
miss ice-cold damn it I guess I can lick
it
I read that uh last year MTV's real
world got 40,000 applications that's
amazing man such a even number do you
think it would be 40 thousand and eight
maybe yeah I got a lamp in my hotel room
and it has a three-way light bulb in it
if you don't know what light bulbs a
three-way light bulb it messes with your
head cuz you go to turn it off and it
just gets brighter like dammit light
bulb that's the exact opposite of what I
want you to do then you turn it again
and gets brighter once more I will break
you that's the only reason I had this
thing out here oh yeah I saw a
commercial that said forget everything
you know about slipcovers so I did and
it was a load off my mind
then the commercial tried to sell
slipcovers but I don't know what the
hell they were now he's a hippopotamus
two hippopotamus or a really cool
eponymous I want to rob a bank with a BB
gun give me all your money or I'll give
you a dimple I'll be rich you will be
cute I got a belt on that's holds up my
pants and my pants have belt loops I
hold up my belt what they're really what
the hell is really going on down there
who is the real hero now if I was a
drummer and I accidentally grabbed that
be cool if you're a drummer and you
accidentally grabbed two magic wands
instead of drum sticks you're pounding
out the beat next thing you know your
bass player turns into a can of soup we
take that joke out can we edit it
I love cottage cheese that's why I want
to try other dwelling cheese's too
[Laughter]
I want to try studio apartment cheese or
maybe igloo cheese or if I'm feeling
adventurous mobile home cheese don't eat
mobile home cheese during a tornado it
would be devastating dr. Scholl makes
foot products and he's a doctor which
means you went to school for a long time
but it doesn't take a lot to figure out
that stepping on a cushion will be more
comfortable
that dude wasted lots of time at school
cuz I'd have bought that from a mr.
Scholl
[Laughter]
I wish they made for heater Cologne
because that stuff smells good I hate to
sleep cuz no I like to sleep action I
hate to dream because dreaming takes
energy it takes work
sleeping is supposed to be a relaxing
affair I lay down on a bed it feels
great next thing you know I have to
build a go-kart with my ex landlord if
you can't sleep count sheep don't count
endangered animals you will run out
I bought a donut that gave me a receipt
for the donut I don't need to receive
for a donut I'll just give you the money
then you give me the donut and the
transaction we don't need to bring ink
and paper into this I just can't imagine
a scenario where I'd have to prove that
I bought a donut some skeptical friend
don't even act like I didn't get that
donut got the documentation right here I
saw a lady on TV she was born with our
arms she was born with her hands
attached to her shoulders and that was
sad but then they said Lola does not
know the meaning of the word can't and
that to me was actually kind of worse in
a way you know not only just not have
arms but she doesn't understand simple
contractions
[Laughter]
[Applause]