My friend said she put it up her bum once.
No. No!
I’m bleeding everywhere, but I haven’t pooed…
I went to Australia a couple of years ago, with my brother. Danny, my brother, really
wanted to go to the great barrier reef.
Oh yeah.
But I have a massive fear of sharks. Ever since I saw the film jaws, I can’t shake
it. You know the jaws poster, the shark is coming upon from below? There’s a little
lady swimming along.
Little lady.
Little lady!
That’s all…
Little lady. Silly little lady. What are you swimming, you silly…
I see myself as the little lady when I’m swimming. I’m the little lady.
Because we’re weightless in water.
Yes. Thank you. So… We’re so little in the water. The guy who was like in charge
on the boat is like this surfer dude and he looked like 209 Zac Efron.
Mmm.
You know like floppy hair… Oh, first man I ever loved. He was really like nice and
reassuring and was like there’s no sharks in this area just really cute wildlife marina.
And I was like, I love cute wildlife marina, I love cure wildlife marina. It’s my favourite
type of wildlife. I’m totally at one with it. Um, proper beach babe. And then we got
to the site where we all jumped in and was started to just forget about the whole shark
thing…
Yeah.
And then 2009 Zac Efron swims over and he’s like, ‘I told you there’s no sharks around,
the only reason sharks would cone right over this way, is if they could smell blood.’
Right? At that moment I remembered I was on my period, so I proper panicked and all Could
think about was this shark coming from below. I weed my pants, right there and then, in
the wetsuit.
Maisie. Oh my god.
Yeah, in the space of ten seconds I had gone from flirtatious beach babe to panicking 22
year old…
Drwning.
Who had just pissed herself. I thought the wee would accentuate the smell of blood. It
would be like the bell at dinner time at school. Do you remember when they rang a bell, it
was like ‘Ooh, dinner.’ So, I was like ‘Oh my god, I’ve gotta get back to the
boat.’ You know when they slap a big fish onto a trawler…
Yeah, you’re just like so heavy and full of wee. You’ve filled your wetsuit with
wee.
Like a piss stained woman getting back on to this boat, limbs everywhere. And then 2009
Zac Efron calls from the water, he still in the water with my brother, and he’s like
‘what are you doing, I told you there Were no sharks around here?’ And I was still
in this state of panic, just didn’t even think about what I was saying, no filter,
just went ‘Yeah I know, but I’m on my blob and I thought the sharks would smell
it from my fanny.’ Straight out.
The moment I’ve said it, I’m like, ‘Why have yo said it like that?’ There’s so
many nicer ways to say it. It was just twenty people, all just treading water, staring back
up at me. ‘Ooh, it’s quite warm here.’
Danny was absolutely… He was like, ‘what have you done?’
Regretting his…
Yeah, I don’t think 2009 Zac Efron was particularly… turned on.
Didn’t work for him.
Na… no.
See I have something that happened to me, but it was in front of my boyfriend, which
I think is maybe… slightly better?
Why what happened?
Firstly,. I mean we… We don’t really talk about periods. Like, we live together, we
talk about most things, but this I just talk about with my girlfriends. So I use, erm,
menstrual cups for my periods.
Do you?
Yeah.
Are they good?
Yeah, they’re great!
I’ve heard about these.
Yeah so they’re like these little tiny cups made of silicon. They look like a tiny wine
glass.
Ooh, classy.
There’s like a little bit at the bottom. It’s quite sweet. I like to think a tiny
wine glass for a mouse.
Yeah.
Or, London, a rat!
Yes. When they’ve had a stressful day.
Yeah, they’d have a little…
Pour me a little menstrual cup of rose.
So what you do is you fold them and then put them up yourself and it collects your blood.
It unfolds once it…
Oh, yeah, yeah. It’s like… It make s a little… Well I imagine it does. Suction
thing. Anyway…
Like a plunger.
Yeah. Stuff. Like a cork.
Oh yes, yes. Back to the wine theme.
So you need to trim the stem according to your size or…
How deep the tunnel…
How deep the tunnel is. Exactly. And I kept trimming, kept trimming and then my vagina
just took it.
What like engulfed it?
Yeah it just sucked it up. Sucked the menstrual cup up, it was like, ‘No! I’ve got it
now. You can’t have it back.’ And I started to really panic, you know when you’re like
sweating, like… And then when you panic, you go even more tense. Yeah. My friend says
she put it up her bum once.
Oh no. No!
I’m bleeding everywhere, bu I haven’t pooed in…
I keep having to change my knickers, but God I need a poo.
I digress… And then in the end the only thing I could do was… My boyfriend was in
the next room ad I had to ask him to come in and help me get it out.
With a fishing rod. He’s like, I’ll stay here. I got this.
So there we were, I’m bearing down… So there, we’re both there trying to get this
out. And we… we did because I managed to like push it a bit to get hold of the stem.
It would’ve been sweet, but as we did it we did it with quite a lot of enthusiasm.
So, there was stuff to follow.
Yeah. There was…
The afterbirth!
Tiny bit on his face. But he was fine.
What. Wow. That’s a keeper there.
Honestly, I loved him so much more for that. I felt like we had been through, like a birth,
a trauma together and now I’m like really relaxed about talking about it. Some couples
will get a puppy, you know, to bring them closer together. We… have a menstrual cup.