Hi, I'm Nicholeen Peck and I talk about parenting, good communication and family
relationships all through the lens of the principal, self government and in this video,
we're going to be talking about how to deal with a child who doesn't care.
In this video, we're gonna talk about what it looks like when they don't care, and maybe some
reasons why that might be happening, and then what we can do to help them care, and maybe what we can
do in a way that is calm too, because I'm all about calmness. I don't believe in manipulation,
and many people try to get their kids to care by manipulating. So hopefully, this will be something
new. Now maybe because you're on this video, you already know what it looks like when a child
doesn't care. But just in case, I do like to help people assess when someone learns self government,
they do analyze regularly, so that they can make a proper assessment and proper plans for the future.
So let's just talk really quickly about what it looks like when a person doesn't care. Well,
oftentimes, they won't make eye contact with you when they don't care. Sometimes they do that
though, even when they do care so be careful not to read too much into it. Sometimes when
a person doesn't care, they completely disregard something that you said. So disregard is probably
the biggest indicator that a person does not care. When you say something to a person who disregards
you, they may act like whatever you just said doesn't matter. It's not true information, or
whatever it is. Now, that is a sign of disrespect. In fact, it's oftentimes a sign that they don't
value you, sometimes even that they're not feeling love for you. The opposite of love is disregard.
So many people think the opposite of love is hate, but you can't hate something that you didn't
already love. So there is love in there. Disregard suggest the love is completely gone. That is one
of your biggest indicators. So watch out for that. And I know that there's a lot of different ways a
person can disregard, they can just not listen to you. Well, that is a step, that is a step toward
I don't care, they may not be fully there yet. So what we need to do is get them back to listening.
And then we can hopefully make sure that they stay on the track of caring. If family members do not
have a feeling of caring, compassion or valuing of each other, then the family bonds are so easily
broken, or damaged just through regular day to day interactions. So of course, you can work on
your day to day interactions, which I am going to help you with. I've got a lot of skills for
that. But also, what you need to recognize is if there isn't an underlying connection there
with you than the day to day interactions are very easily manipulated, and will not go toward heart
change. So everything I do here, the teaching self government channel is all about changing hearts
because that's really what it means to learn self government is to choose to have a change of heart,
to alter your condition of heart, to bring yourself more in alignment with truth about yourself and
about the other people around you. So instead of being selfish and taking offense, what a person
does instead is they start analyzing themselves and making better plans for their own personal
outcomes and for the outcomes of the group as a whole. When a person is choosing not to care,
they are only thinking about themselves and they have forgotten that they're part of a group and
we probably want to start there when we're helping them bond back to the group and fix the problem.
So we're going to talk about how to help them get bonded back in with the group and some of
the skills that I have for you to solve this problem of when your child simply acts like they
just don't care. But first, click the subscribe button now. Are you enjoying the stuff on this
channel? I'm making it for you. This is a mission that I have for the world, to strengthen the world.
And honestly, I don't even care if I get anything out of it. But if you subscribe to this channel,
more people will find it and that's what this is all about for me. So please subscribe now. So
how do you get your child to care about somebody besides themselves? Well, they need another story,
another picture of who they're trying to become. In your family. We are all very easily self
focused. We have feelings and emotions that makes us very myopic in our view of the world,
and once we go too far in that direction, we start disconnecting from other people and
before we know it, we are going to be disregarding the other people around us and acting like they're
not relevant to our lives. So you'll see many young people perpetuating this ideas. They talk
about how, you know, older people aren't relevant and that kind of stuff. We know they're coming
from a place of disregard then or not valuing the other people, not really caring about anyone but
themselves, we don't want that feeling to exist in our home. So we've got to start by identifying who
we really are as a family. So in our family, we all understand our roles in the family,
then this does not mean responsibility and chores and stuff. This means who we are to each other?
Who are the teachers? Who are the learners? Who has the heart and Hearthstone of the family? Who's
doing protection and nurturing in the family? Who is the setting an example for younger children?
What are you, who are you in this group, and how important is the group to your success,
because it's actually really important. If you know who you are to other people,
you will start doing things differently. This doesn't mean that we just worry about what other
people think about us. But we need to remember who we really are. We didn't get here just alone,
it's impossible. The human experience starts with two people becoming one so that then another
person is created. Isn't that amazing? So we have to identify that we are not happiest unless
we are connected in a family unit. Now I know for some people, that's impossible. It's really hard,
because maybe the family is very dysfunctional or broken in certain ways. But if we can always
remember that's the end we're leading to and we can try to lead that child or that person in
that direction, even if they act like they don't care. Many children from broken homes, traumatic
backgrounds came to live with me, they were all foster children because I did therapeutic
treatment, foster care in my home, they were disconnected. They felt like nobody cared. The
courts don't care, nobody cares. They're shifted around everything about them just has to do with
their behaviors, behavior modification, behavior modification. What about my heart? What about my
needs, what about my attachment, they never said those things. But I could tell they were
screaming for those things in their behaviors. And so we started working on those things too,
as well as the behaviors and that's what I teach with teaching self government and that
I want to share with you. When a person sets up an environment where you learn self government,
and where you can have this bond together and this environment of caring, there are key things that
happen ahead of time. Number one, you recognize how people process and how people behave and then
you give people skills that they can use in those moments to process better, more productively,
so that they can maintain attachment, and you help them know the skills so that they can
solve their problems. So we teach four basic skills to children, five skills to parents,
which I call the five teaching styles, and children and parents both learn these skills,
they know exactly how each other is going to communicate, so that they can have predictability
increased, which decreases anxiety. This makes it so that parents and children are on the same page,
they have the same vocabulary when it comes to handling problematic situations at home. We
want our children to understand how we will help them solve their problems. This helps them and us
and makes all the teaching safe. It makes home the safest place to make mistakes. Now another
element besides skills is the tone. So the way things feel Is mom calm, is dad calm, does the
child know how to be calm? These are important things that a person needs to learn in order
to be self governing. And how are we going to talk about this calmness or lack of calmness?
How are we going to plan for new circumstances as a family? Well, in our family, we have meetings,
we also have different exercises that we do as a family called SODAS, where we actually teach
the children how to solve their problems, there are multiple components that if applied, and put
together, it actually makes it easier in the end. Sure, at first, in order to help the child care,
you have to help them understand who they are, where they're going, who you are, how to talk
in a more effective manner and you're going to have to keep correcting them all along the
way, with calmness. That seems like a lot. But actually, you just put in that
front end work at first and then over time, everything becomes easier and smoother and
you have to talk less about problematic behaviors and detachment and instead,
you're talking more about what happened today. And that silly thing you saw and now you're laughing
and enjoying the type of relationship you always wanted to have. If I can just tell you one thing,
it's that they want to care. They want to care. Maybe somebody's violated their trust,
and they're not sure if they can. You have to decide to care, care enough to change yourself,
then they will care enough to follow your example and be deliberate. Deliberately talk
about how you know they probably don't care. Just put the elephant in the room out of view,
right? Okay. We know that you probably don't care, that's okay. But we care a lot and this is what
we're going to be doing to try to help so that we can show you even more how much we care. Have those
conversations, be deliberate about it and you know what, be understanding too. Understand where
they might be coming from, see if you can see that place. See if you can remember it from your life
too, it will go a long way. Since you've stayed to the end of this video, I have a special gift for
you. In the description below this video, there is a link to a calm parenting toolkit that I'm going
to give everybody right now for free. The link to the toolkit says teachselfgov.com/toolkit
So click on the link to that video now and get your copy of this mini course which is a perfect
introductory course to learning self government. Click on the link now. I'll see you there.