19 easy things that make you feel instantly confident
Intro
I’m not much of a high heel type of woman.
Not because I don’t want to be, but because I walk a lot.
Rarely will I ever leave home just for a short stroll.
And so, I choose comfort.
Recently I found an old pair of boots of mine.
They have a pointy toe, very small heel, but you wouldn’t know by the sound of them.
Like, they sound like stilettos.
I think.
Of course, I had forgotten about that, as I put them on the other week, went outside,
and felt instant regret as the click clack hit the pavement, but I was too lazy to get
back inside and change.
I felt self conscious for that entire walk.
Like everyone was staring.
I tried walking in a way that doesn’t make noise and it just made me feel even weirder.
You’d think I’d swear off wearing those boots ever again, or at least, 7 in the morning.
But I like the way they look, and I don’t ever want my mind ghosts to stop me from doing
something.
And so.
I wore them again, and I’ve kept wearing them for a couple weeks, and in that time,
something interesting has happened.
I’ve gone from feeling self conscious in my loud ass boots, to feeling confident in
them.
Just yesterday I was out and about running errands here in the city.
It was really hot outside, I was sweaty, I was carrying Fred in my arms as well as my
jacket that I had taken off.
It wasn’t my best look, but somehow, the little click clack sounds made me feel like
the world was my runway, as if with each step I took, I was announcing that there’s a
fine woman coming through.
This is all in my head, of course.
Literally no one was looking at me.
I never feel that way when I’m walking in my sneakers.
And it’s got me thinking: what are some other small, not-so-obvious things that may
boost self-confidence?
Confidence
comes from a Latin word 'fidere' which means "to trust"; therefore, having self-confidence
is having trust in one's self.
Wikipedia always gives the best definitions.
Personally, I define confidence as being aware that I’m actually cool and competent.
Broadly speaking, of course.
Here are some things that have helped with that:
TWO: Leaving self-labels in the past.
I strongly believe that the labels we use to describe ourselves impact our lives more
than we think.
Even when we use them jokingly.
I avoid saying things like “I’m weird” or “I suck”.
Basically, I won’t call myself anything that I don’t want to be.
I’m not going to say “I’m awkward” if I don’t want to be awkward.
And if I feel like I need to use such a word to describe what I’m feeling, I’ll find
a way to communicate it using different words.
THREE: If you’ve ever been socially anxious, you
know what it’s like to get caught up in thoughts like “What do I sound like?”,
“are my hand gestures weird?”, “How do I look?”.
It’s just a bunch of I’s.
And look, caring about how we’re perceived is human nature.
And to a certain extent, we should care.
But it’s easy to get so caught up in our thoughts about ourselves, that we forget to
listen, to be present, to pay attention to anything happening outside of ourselves.
I’ve gotten better at reminding myself to shift my focus outward instead.
I’ll think things like “What impression is this person leaving on me?
Rather than obsessing over what impression I’m leaving on them.”
I’ll think “Do I like this person?”
Instead of worrying they may not like me.
Being able to ask good questions because you’ve been paying attention boosts confidence.
Being able to evaluate a person and trusting your judgment boosts confidence.
Remembering what someone said boosts confidence.
The list goes on.
If you struggle with getting too caught up in your head, one small piece of advice I
have is to wear something that’s going to remind you each time you look at it, like
a ring for example.
FOUR: In fact, wear two rings: one that reminds you to not hunch.
Good posture isn't only necessary to give a good impression on others, but on yourself
too!
Did you know that your posture matters even when you're SITTING DOWN?
As in, an upright posture can give more confidence in your own thoughts?
Body language makes a world of a difference.
Let me actually show you: (clip of walking hunched vs not hunched)
FIVE: I read in a study that Perfumery can be likened to the nose as music is to the
ear.
That same study found that 90% of all women tested in the fragrance study reported feeling
more confident when they wore fragrance than when they did not”.
It had the same effect on men.
I’m very picky with scents, and it’s taken me half a lifetime, but I’ve finally found
a couple scents that I really like.
It’s subtle, it’s yummy, and it gives me a boost knowing I smell good and I’ve
gotten complimented on it, so…
SIX: Becoming aware of the spotlight effect.
The psychological phenomenon that makes us all think that people are noticing us more
than they actually are.
You are the center of your own world, but you're not the center of everyone else's world.
SEVEN: Getting better at small-talk and actually learning to enjoy it.
I truly value human connections and I’m genuinely interested in people, but striking
up conversations with people I don’t know hasn’t come naturally to me.
Until I got a dog.
I’d say I’ve probably socialized more in this past year that I’ve had him, then
I did in the three years prior to that.
Not a day goes by where I don’t stop and have a chat with other dog owners.
And in the beginning it felt strange, but now, I don't even think about it.
Like I actually enjoy going to the dog park and hanging out with other hoomans.
I just feel more confident approaching people in general.
It just goes to show that the more we do something, the easier it gets.
EIGHT.
Becoming more comfortable in my femininity.
I’m making a whole separate video on that.
It’s truly been life changing.
NINE.
Don’t choose comfort over happiness.
I’ll leave that one up for you to interpret.
TEN.
Being clueless and confident isn’t admirable, it’s foolishness.
As Charles Bukowski wrote, "The problem with this world is that the intelligent people
are full of doubts and the stupid ones are full of confidence."
I do my best to be well-prepared for situations that call for it.
We all feel good when we’re able to spit facts and thrive in a meeting or a debate
or just a casual conversation even, simply because we’ve done our homework.
And if I’m not prepared or if I’m simply not knowledgeable on a topic, I’ll just
say it.
I’ll be like “hey, I have no idea what the capital of the US is, but I’d love to
learn.”
I’m kidding.
I know it’s New York.
ELEVEN.
Being useful.
We all want to feel like our presence, our competence and our input matters.
Humans have a need to be needed.
We want to feel like we’re contributing.
We don’t want to feel like an extra that could easily be switched out.
In my opinion, we make ourselves useful by being competent, which speaks for itself,
but also by assuming responsibility.
Volunteer to chop the onion or to make that call.
Be useful.
And if it gets to a point of people pleasing and others running you over, you’re in the
wrong tribe, my friend.
TWELVE.
Get a haircut.
Try different hairstyles.
For me, styled bangs vs unstyled bangs makes like a 50 % difference in my confidence.
THIRTEEN.
Make sure you feel good in the clothes you wear.
Do you want people to see you in that outfit?
If the answer is no, go change.
Don’t go out in the world prepared to hide.
FOURTEEN I’ve been trying to adopt more social optimism, and just optimism in general,
which essentially means that I go into situations expecting a positive outcome to be more likely
than a negative outcome.
FIFTEEN.
And if it doesn’t, I try to be okay with that and move on with my life.
When we grow more resilient, we no longer fear things like rejection, failure or embarrassment
to the extent where we let it hold us back in life.
I’d like to leave you with this quote.
I don’t know who originally said it, but here it is: “A bird sitting on a tree is
never afraid of the branch breaking, because its trust is not on the branch but on its
own wings.”