In the last couple weeks I've had nearly identical
Conversations with a couple of friends and it was all about what to do with parents who are overbearing
There they've got a lot of advice or they're very judgmental
They do
You know commentary on every little thing that their child is doing and these are adult children who already have children of their own
and you know the advice was on things like how you parent to how you dressed your spirituality and your emotions, so
they were getting comments like you shouldn't let your kids run in the house or
Your neckline is too revealing or you just need to get over your depression and serve more like stop taking everything. So personally
Now I have to say like this is not a topic
I can consider myself an expert in because my parents were not overbearing they were actually just really excellent at
allowing us to make our own decisions but inviting us or
Encouraging us to make good ones. So this is you know, in case you're watching out there
To my parents and to my in-laws like this is not about you. So
Thank you
So I you know as I've been talking with these people about the challenges they're facing
As I've kind of organized my thoughts in my head about what their options are
What it's boiled down to is kind of four main options
So I'm gonna try something new today
Doing a little bit more casual type of recording because it takes me so long to set up my other
Setup that I'm not able to reduce as many videos as I'd like to so let me know what you think
Do you like the more casual lower resolution recording or do you prefer the nice glossy?
You know setup that I've used in the past. So let's just put our options on the table
Let's start with the obvious, but not super helpful options
So option number one is to just agree with them like conform your life to their standards
Believe that their opinion is the only way to do things the right way
Or that pleasing them is more important than your own wants values or decisions
Now this option obviously has some serious downsides the upside is that things feel peaceful on the surface and everyone seems happy
But underneath you feel perhaps repressed or angry resentful or fake
Your relationship is built on this, you know fake conformity
now it is possible to accept influence from someone to listen to their ideas and opinions and
Consider them and incorporate them in your life in a way that you decide that that's what you want
But that's not what I'm talking about. This option is just submitting due to emotional pressure basically making an implicit agreement saying, okay
I'll go along with what you say as long as you don't get sad or mad or uncomfortable with my choices
It's it's like they're saying here take this pen
This is the best pen
but their pen is you know hot pink and it's a fountain pen and
Your favorite type of pen is black G twos and you say okay, you know
I don't want you to be upset. So sure. I'll take your pen. That's fine
Right. This option is really common in add mesh families where the unspoken rule is don't rock the boat and
Keep everyone happy or else you're doing it wrong or in order for me to accept you we have to agree on everything
It's saying that we will all be responsible for each other for your actions your thoughts your feelings
it's my job to change them and
Basically what that means is everyone's so busy trying to take responsibility for everyone else that they're not taking responsibility for themselves
Now option two is another bad option its detachment just cutting them off
Separating yourself from them seeing them less talking to them less
Opening up to them less
This option seems to protect you from pain, but it also cuts you off from the benefits of family
They will always matter to you. So if you just harden yourself off to them, you'll also feel the pain of that loss
Even when we don't interact with someone we carry how we feel towards them with us
So if you choose that option you may be burdened with resentment or bitterness or guilt
This option is like taking their pen and just chucking it
Cutting people off can be necessary and even helpful in some circumstances, especially when safety is an issue
But it shouldn't be your only tool when it comes to responsibility
This option is kind of letting go of responsibility. So let's talk about a cup of options
That might be a bit more helpful. So option 3 is trying to change them now
I hope that the second I said this option you instantly thought that is not going to work
and if so
You're right if your goal is to change them so that they don't bother you then it's never gonna work
It will always backfire when you're trying to change someone else for selfish reasons
However in real relationships there is a degree of influence. So there are a couple ways that you can invite them and
This invitation if it comes from a loving place and a caring place and a desire to build up the relationship
Sometimes can create a little bit of movement a little bit of improvement
So here's one option a way. You can invite them number one explaining
so this may look like
When you I feel because type conversation as in when you tell me how to parent
I feel hurt because it seems like you don't approve of me
So explaining to them how their actions are impacting you might be enough if you have a good
Relationship with them might be enough for them to realize this. This is a little bit sensitive
Maybe I you know, they might inherently desire to do something differently
Okay, another way to try and invite change is to ask right to make a request
so an example of making a request is
Mom, I know you have some really strong opinions on this topic
But I was wondering if you could be a little bit more gentle when you give advice
so this is asking them to do something a little bit different now if you have a
Relationship with them where you guys mutually care about each other. They should at least consider this request
obviously asking someone to do something different you have to be willing to accept that they might not change and
So, you know you have to you have to be willing to do it without forcing them
You've got to give them the same respect that you wish they would give you
Okay. So another option is teaching so helping them understand
so I'd like to work from the
place of my heart where I assume that people aren't being mean just to be mean like they aren't actually hateful human beings that sometimes
They make mistakes just because they don't know better
You know this might mean sharing an article or a YouTube video or helping them understand where you're coming from
so for example
You could show them a video on empathic listening and say I would really appreciate it
if you would listen to me in this way, or
Handing them an article on depression and what depression is really like so they understand you a little bit better
So taking the option to you know, try and teach them that
Might be helpful now, obviously if you have a you know a rocky relationship
They're probably gonna be pretty resistant to this the fourth option you have as far as inviting them to change is boundaries
So boundaries are saying if you do this, then I will do that
It's here is how I will respond when you do that
It's never you need to stop talking to me that way, you know
This is a completely powerless way to set a boundary trying to get other people to change in your boundaries boundaries
Always saying what you're gonna do in response to their behavior. So most importantly you show them through your actions and not your words
What you will and you won't put up with now look out for getting yourself into the exact behaviors towards them that drive you crazy
when they do it towards you so when you have influence you can invite or request and they will at least
Listen to or consider what you're saying now, let me go grab that pin that I threw just a second
So this option is like trying to convince them to like your pin or at least consider what you're saying?
So they say here take my pin
This is the best pet ever and you're like, you know what I can see why you like that pin you
Know that pen is very bright. I can see the benefits of that pin, but you know what?
I already have a pen and this is my favorite pen. And you know, maybe you would like to try this pen
Would you like to try this pen?
Here's the benefits of this pen. So that that's what you're trying to do. You're trying to say like
Here's how I want to live my life now
Honestly, this option is the one that goes wrong the most often it ends up in arguments debates
Discussions and feeling like you're just spinning in circles
So again if you don't have a good relationship
If you're not willing to accept them as they are if you feel the need to convince them
Or that they need to change for you to be. Okay, then any attempts at this are gonna fail every time
So if you ever need them to change for you to be happy
Then you are taking away all the power of your life and you're giving it to them if you need them to stop it for
You to not feel sad angry worthless or whatever
then you're giving yourself worth and your emotional control into their hands if
You need them to change for you to like them then you aren't being loving
So this is erring on the side of taking responsibility for their actions
So never let yourself get stuck in the trap of needing them to change
Now the best option option for I'm gonna call this honest responsibility
This option is all about clarifying what's in your power and influence and what isn't it's about saying
Thank you for offering that pen. I'm glad you love your pen, but I have a pen that I really like, so no. Thanks
It's about letting them be human. So it's being compassionate toward their mistakes. Even the ones that drive you crazy
So you want them to accept your parenting style or your clothing choices or whatever, but you're unwilling to accept their
parenting style
Right, like do you see the contradiction there? So instead you've got to be the change that you want to see in the world
right
So if you want them to be more accepting and understanding
You practice that like crazy towards them you show them acceptance and love even with the behaviors. You don't agree with or you don't like
So this is about choosing what you value
this is about choosing the kind of person you want to be and
Actively living that even when others are trying to tell you what you should or shouldn't be doing
you're not being submissive or
reactive you're being proactive, you know the direction you want to be going and you're moving that way and
Going back to that other idea
This is about being the change you want to see in the world
You wish they would understand you then make sure that you're being super
Understanding you wish they would accept you accept them with their flaws
You wish they would agree with you
demonstrate compassion and acceptance
So be a good listener show them that you understand them, but you don't have to agree with them, this is empathic listening
So sometimes they just keep repeating themselves and their advice because they don't think that you're hearing them
So you can get them stop by showing them that you hear them by reflecting back what they're saying
It's really a simple skill that can make a big difference
Take responsibility for your choices
this means that you're not blaming them for your unhappiness and
you make your decisions based on your values and you accept that they might feel sad or happy or
Disappointed or whatever and that's about them and not you
So this choice requires you to build your foundation of self-esteem on something more solid than others
Approval you build it on your values and your congruence and the direction you choose for your life
This option takes the most work, but it has the biggest potential payoff in the end a relationship with good boundaries
So you have power in your own life?
And hopefully you can come to a place where you feel peaceful and loving in your relationships. So I hope this is helpful
Thanks for watching and take care