-I'd just like to write out my weekly thank-you notes
right now, is that cool with you guys?
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Thank you very much.
-James, can I get some thank-you note -- Wow.
-Oh, wow. [ Laughter ]
-Is that a wax figure? -Check his pulse, yeah!
-A wax figure. -Wax on, wax off.
-Yeah, man. [ Laughing ] Wax off.
[ Laughter ]
Wax on, I get it. -Wow!
I know, wax off, yeah.
Hey, James, can I get some thank-you note-writing music,
please? [ Soft piano tune ]
-Now he's got a little smile. [ Laughter ]
-Fantastic. Fantastic. -Look at that impish grin.
[ Laughter ]
-Just the best. He's the best.
-You touched his heart. -He does kids' parties,
everything. Whatever you need, James will be there for you.
It just warms the heart..
-Warms the cuckles of your heart.
Yeah, warms the cockles --
the cockles of your heart.
-Sure, sure. That, too.
[ Laughter ]
-Clears throat.
[ Soft piano tune ] [ Laughter ]
Thank you, "The Bachelorette," for being down to the last
three men and getting us one step closer
to finally knowing who will end up on "Dancing with the Stars."
[ Laughter and applause ] -I always wonder.
-Always wonder. -I always wonder who.
Oh, it's probably that dude.
-No, it's him.
-[ Meek voice ] Uh, how you doing?
My name's Ted. I'm an entrepreneur.
[ Laughter ]
[ Nasal voice ] Hi, my name's Joey,
and I'm an entrepreneur.
[ Laughter ]
We put a-- [ laughs ]
Why is Rachel, why is she doing this thing?
-I don't know. -[ Deep voice ] We put Rachel
in a house with 30 entrepreneurs.
[ Laughter ]
-It's sad, it's sad.
-Hi, I'm Ted J., and I'm also an entrepreneur.
[ Laughter ]
[ Soft piano tune ]
Thank you, gust of wind when the subway pulls into
the station, [ Laughter ]
for managing to be the most refreshing and nauseating
experience at once.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Oh, that is rich!
[ Soft piano tune ]
-Thank you, windmills,
for being an ancient energy technology we use
to block golf balls.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Tricky.
[ Cheers and applause ]
[ Soft piano tune ] [ Laughter ]
Thank you, hitchhikers,
for looking like you just really approve
of everyone's cars.
[ Laughter ]
Cool ride, man!
[ Cheers and applause ]
[ Car horn ]
What's up?
[ Car horn ] Oh, cool.
[ Laughter ]
Hey, look! A truck!
[ Truck horn blares ]
Ah, good one, Fred.
Hey, look! A Model-T Ford!
[ Original car horn ]
No, not that time. -Aoogah! Aoogah!
-Thanks, Higgins. [ Laughter ]
Hey, look! An airplane!
-[ Airplane sound ] -No, Higgins, not you again!
Just trying to test Fred up there with the sound effects.
[ Laughter ]
-[ Robotic voice ] You've got to be [bleep] me.
-Hey, Fred! [ Laughter ]
[ Band plays jazz ] Hey, that's a type of sound!
-Hey!
-Insanity.
[ Band continues playing jazz ] [ Cheers and applause ]
-Hey!
Exactly...
[ Band stops ] That's exactly --
Fred is our computer... -Yes.
-...that runs all the tech. -Well, that's Siri
who should say she's sorry.
-No, that was -- That's Fred.
[ Laughter ]
Fred is like our... -It's a Hal.
-Hal, yeah. That's our friend, yeah.
[ Soft piano tune ]
Thank you, Ty Cobb,
for being Trump's new lawyer
and for letting me know what it would look like
if David Crosby's mustache took Viagra.
[ Laughter and applause ] Beyoooop!
[ Applause ]
[ Soft piano tune ]
Thank you, pull-strings on blinds.
When I want the blinds to open or close, I'm always gonna
pull the wrong one. So, thank you very much.
[ Laughter ] How does this work?
[ Cheers and applause ]
We're down to our last thank-you note.
-[ Audience moaning ]
-[ Indistinct shout ] -Hey, thank you, sir.
[ Laughter ]
See, that's the type of love that we need.
Where are you sitting, buddy?
Where are you?
[ Cheers and applause ]
[ Band plays jazz ]
-Thanks, Jimmy. [ Laughs ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
Whoo! -Thank you, man.
-No, thank you. I appreciate everything.
-Appreciated that. -Thank you.
[ Cheers and applause ]
[ Laughter ]
[ Band plays jazz ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
[ Soft piano tune ]
Thank you, empty ice cube tray,
or as I like to call you,
the next guy's problem.
There you guys have it! Those are my thank-you notes!
We'll be right back with "The Tonight Show," everybody!
[ Cheers and applause ]
[ Band plays rock ]