(upbeat, rock music)
- I wasn't even talking about waffles.
You always change the subject when you're confronted.
- All the square cups in a waffle
hold the pools of syrup way better than pancakes.
- Dammit Blark, reel yourself in
and have a human conversation with me.
I am your son and I deserve that respect.
Now did you or did you not replace my clothes
with smaller sizes to make me feel like
I was growing into a man?
- The syrup just slides off the pancake.
- That's it, I have had enough!
You know what, you were right, I'm not a man, dad.
I don't have the muscles, I don't have the grit,
the brawn the stubble, none of it!
Sorry I am not the son you wanted,
but as far as I'm concerned,
I am not even your son anymore.
I am just a nerdy roommate in a lonely old man's house.
Now get out of my room!
(Blark gasps)
- I love you?
- Well I hate you! (grunts)
(can clatters) (door slams)
(Blark sighs)
- [Computer] Dang bro', do you really hate him?
- I mean right now, yeah.
All this wish my son was a man crap is just getting to me.
I wish he would just accept me for who I am, you know?
- [Computer] Fathers can be tough, man.
I have 12. (electricity zaps)
- (grumbles) Hey thanks, dad.
Nice way to get back at my good side, ya ass hat.
(glass shatters)
- [Brock] What the?
How did you. (yells) (thumps)
- Dad?
You okay? (slow, suspenseful music)
Hey dad, there's a girl in my room I want you to meet!
(slow, suspenseful music)
(door creaks)
Dad?
(slow, dramatic music)
(gasps)
(slow, dramatic music)
Chimpy took my dad?
- [Memory] Oh yeah, well I hate you! (echoing)
- Chimpy took my dad.
(distorted, dramatic music)
(son grunting)
(energetic, rhythmic music)
(son grunts)
(dramatic music)
- Scared little boy, I eat your head now.
(screaming) (dramatic music)
(son sighs)
(slow, dramatic music)
(bushes rustle) (son whimpers)
(birds singing)
(bushes rustle)
(son breathing nervously)
(son gasps) (dramatic music)
Oh fuck. (whimpers)
Huh?
(leaves rustling) (growling)
Fletch, what the hell, man?
Do you know what's happening?
Chimpy, I think he took my dad.
- Shh, quiet son.
This ain't no time to whine.
A chimpanzee has heisted your father
and my best friend straight from his own bed.
This ain't no kid game, son.
If you're gonna go in there,
ain't no choice about it, you gotta be a man.
- Can we just drop this stupid man thing already?
- Now listen up, 30 yards southeast,
you're gonna see a cold-hearted knuckle dragging man-beast
that eats little dough boys like you for supper.
Uses them bones for toothpicks,
blends your teeth as laxative before squatting
his muscly ass down and (beeps) you out
in this God forsaken jungle!
- Fletch! - Hm?
- I am not getting monkey pooped into a dirt hole.
I am finding my dad.
Now are you gonna help me or not?
- When you're about 10 feet from your scorn ship brother,
stomp your right foot twice
and I'll come flying from the brush
like a goddam cannonball to monkey doom!
- Fly from the brush?
Don't you have a (beeps) gun or something?
- Shush, child.
(animals growling)
I will help you.
Just remember, you
are
not
alone.
(bushes rustling)
- Wait wait wait wait, please don't leave me! (shudders)
(slow, dramatic music) (animals chattering)
(monkey chattering) (dramatic music)
- Jimminy cricket! - Stacey!
What the hell?
- Son, oh please, please help me. (whimpering)
A monkey came, he came into my house
and he took Junior and I hostage
and he dressed me like his girlfriend
and your dad, your dad is there too, oh God.
Oh God, son, sweet Jesus, I got out,
I got out, I just escaped.
Quick, how do I get out of here?
- Back yard is that way.
What about Junior and my dad?
- Listen, son?
There comes a time in a man's life
where he has to choose, his family or himself and I know,
I know this looks like I'm choosing myself right now,
but I'm actually gonna go get help for my family.
So, maybe you should just be a man with me
and run, run away!
(angry yelling)
(Stacey panicking) (dramatic, music)
(son sighs)
(dramatic, rhythmic music)
(animals chattering)
(son gasps) (dramatic music)
- Stupid boy, comes to jungle to die. (laughing)
- He came to save me.
I know this is counter-productive,
but I kind of feel like I can die happy now.
- (grunts) Die.
- Listen, Chimpy, you have had your fun, now let them go.
I am the one you want.
- (laughs) You think I stoop, (sniffing)
(gasps)
(spear thunks) (screaming)
- [Fletch] Mother (beeps) got me good!
(Fletch coughing)
This wound ain't fatal,
but I am definitely going to urgent care.
I'm sorry, son, but I cannot help you.
You are alone. (grunting)
Man, that shit hurts.
How the (beeps) they got a jungle in their backyard?
(grunts) Don't even make geographical sense!
- (laughs) Your plan ruined.
Now, you fight me like a man.
- Son, I love you, but you can't win.
Leave me.
I'll become one with the soil.
Plant some grass in my name.
- (laughs) Take your best shot, boy.
(slow, suspenseful music)
(gentle, peaceful music)
- I am sorry for everything you have been through, Chimpy.
Being abandoned as a teenager,
then fending for yourself until you finally
got to come home, only to be a pawn
in one of my dad's stupid lessons,
that's not fair,
but if you ever need a brother to talk to,
I am here.
(slow, peaceful music)
- (grunts) A real man.
(slow, peaceful music)
- All this time, Chimpy just wanted love.
(screaming)
(Brock gasps)
- Die you stupid, fucking monkey!
- Holy (beeps)
(Stacey grunting) (Chimpy's body thumps)
(celebratory music)
- Nobody takes my son away.
- (grunts) A real dad!
- No!
(bamboo cracks)
(labored breathing)
Chimpy, my son,
I'm sorry.
- (grunts) No,
I sorry, papa.
I no good son.
He good son.
No, good man.
(slow, melancholy music)
(Brock grunts)
(Brock sobbing)
(gentle guitar music)
- All right, Junior, you're safe now.
Daddy broke federal law by murdering an endangered species.
Let's go home.
- Oh, I love you, dad.
- Aw.
(father and son grunting)
(Junior grunting)
(upbeat, rock music)
(door creaks)
- Thanks for coming to rescue your old man roommate, son.
- Dad, come on, you know I didn't mean that stuff,
I was just upset.
- No, you're right,
I take things too far, all the time
and whenever conversations get too real for me,
waffles with syrup are delicious.
- (chuckles) You know, after everything,
I still don't know what the hell being a man really means.
- Son, you shoulda asked.
Being a man means burying your emotions
to look as tough as possible
and lifting very big stuff,
preferably in front of other, weaker men.
- Mm, I think it has more to do with being empathetic
and like, responsible,
not as a man, but like a person in the world.
- Wow, son, you have an incredibly bright future
in standup comedy. (drum sting)
- Right.
Well if you'll excuse me,
I have got a lifetime of therapy to look forward to
after seeing Stacey murder Chimpy right in front of me.
(monkey screams) - Oh I'm relieved
you're working through the trauma.
I was afraid you'd be shocked
when you saw how my on-the-fly black market taxidermy guy
immortalized your brother.
(dramatic music) (son screams)
(Brock laughing maniacally)
I love you, son!
(upbeat, rock music)