>> Stephen: HEY!
JON BASTEEFT AND STAY HUMAN, EVERYBODY!
RIGHT THERE!
OH, JON, JON.
JON YOU KNOW THIS.
I'M A PRETTY DEEP GUY.
>> Jon: DEEP CAT.
>> Stephen: THANK YOU.
THANK YOU DADDY-O.
CAN YOU DIG IT?
>> Jon: YES.
>> Stephen: I KNEW YOU COULD.
WHICH IS WHY SOMETIMES I'LL PONDER LIFE'S BIG QUESTIONS,
LIKE: "WHY AM I HERE?" AND "WHERE AM I, AGAIN?"
SOMETIMES I NEED TO EXPRESS THESE THOUGHTS, THOUGHTS THAT
CAN ONLY BE UNDERSTOOD BY LYING ON A BEAUTIFUL HILLSIDE AT
NIGHT, WHILE LYING NEXT TO A DEEP "A-"LIST CELEBRITY.
IT'S TIME FOR: "BIG QUESTIONS WITH EVEN BIGGER STARS!"
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: WOW, THE STARS ARE
SO BEAUTIFUL.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> SHHH!
THEY SURE ARE.
>> Stephen: HEY, NICOLE KIDMAN?
>> HEY, STEPHEN COLBERT.
>> Stephen: DON'T YOU JUST LOVE >> AHHHH, YEAH STUDIO AIR.
>> Stephen: HEY, NICOLE?
>> YEAH, STEPHEN?
>> Stephen: DO YOU THINK GOD COULD MAKE A ROCK SO HEAVY, HE
HIMSELF COULDN'T LIFT IT?
>> I DON'T KNOW.
BUT WHY IS HE MAKING MORE ROCKS?
WE HAVE PLENTY OF ROCKS.
WAHT WE COULD USE IS ANOTHER OPRAH.
( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: HEY, NIC?
>> YEAH, STEVE?
>> Stephen: WHAT WOULD YOU GET IF YOU COMBINED "BIG LITTLE
LIES" AND "PRETTY LITTLE LIARS"?
>> "PRETTY LITTLE BIGGIES."
>> Stephen: I'D WATCH THAT.
I'D WATCH THAT.
>> HEY, STEVIE?
>> Stephen: YEAH, NIKKI?
( LAUGHTER ) >> WHAT DO YOU THINK HAPPENED
BEFORE THE BIG BANG?
>> Stephen: OH, I THINK FEWER PEOPLE WATCHED CBS.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
>> YEAH!
GORGEOUS.
>> Stephen: HEY, N.K.?
>> YEAH, S.C.?
>> Stephen: DO YOU THINK ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE WILL
EVER CONQUER HUMANITY?
>> I ASKED MY ALEXA THAT, AND SHE JUST LAUGHED.
( LAUGHTER ) STEVARINO?
>> Stephen: NICKELODEON?
( LAUGHTER ) >> WHAT DO YOU THINK IT IS THAT
DIFFERENTIATES US FROM ANIMALS?
>> Stephen: OH, OUR COMPLEX EMOTIONS, OUR LOVE OF ART, OUR
IMMORTAL SOULS.
ALSO, WE'RE NOT ALLOWED TO LICK OUR GROINS IN PUBLIC.
( LAUGHTER ) IN PUBLIC.
>> YEAH.
( LAUGHTER ) HOW WOULD DO YOU THAT?
>> Stephen: HEY, HEY, HEY.
>> YES.
>> Stephen: ACADEMY AWARD WINNER NICOLE KIDMAN?
>> YES, ACADEMY AWARD VIEWER STEPHEN COLBERT?
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: WHY DO THEY CALL AUSTRALIA "DOWN UNDER"?
>> NOT SURE.
BUT THAT'S THE KIND OF STUPID THING PEOPLE SAY "UP OVER."
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: HEY NIC-AT-NIGHT?
>> YES, STEVE-IN-THE-EVENIN'?
>> Stephen: WHO GETS TO DECIDE WHAT'S GOOD AND WHAT'S BAD?
>> ROTTEN TOMATOES.
( LAUGHTER ) WHICH REMINDS ME, STEE?
>> Stephen: NEE?
>> IF YOU WIN AN OSCAR BUT ACCIDENTALLY LEAVE THE STATUE IN
AN ARBY'S BATHROOM, YOU STILL WON IT, RIGHT?
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: I THINK SO.
>> I'M JUST ASKING FOR A FRIEND.
(LAUGHTER) >> Stephen: IS IT REESE
WITHERSPOON?
>> YES, YES.
>> Stephen: HEY, NICOLE, IF YOU COULD BE ANY SUPERHERO, WHO
WOULD YOU BE?
BATMAN?
SUPERMAN?
>> I'D BE KID-MAN.
>> WHAT ARE KID MAN'S POWERS?
>> THE MIND OF A CHILD AND THE BODY OF AN ADULT.
>> Stephen: WOW, YOU COULD BE PRESIDENT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> HEY, STEE-BEAR?
>> Stephen: YEAH, COLE-KID?
>> WE'RE BOTH CATHOLIC.
>> Stephen: OH, YEAH.
>> IF GOD IS IN CHARGE OF THE UNIVERSE, WHAT'S JESUS'S JOB?
>> Stephen: THAT'S EASY.
JESUS IS LIKE VICE GOD.
HE SUPPORTS EVERYTHING GOD SAYS AND WALKS OUT OF FOOTBALL GAMES.
( LAUGHTER ) HEY, HEY, WHY DO YOU THINK GOD
HAS A LONG WHITE BEARD?
>> SO SHE WON'T GET HARASSED ON THE SUBWAY.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: NICOLE KIDMAN,
EVERYBODY.