So we all know that Marvel puts more money into their merchandising and advertising than
most companies make in an entire year and it’s not even all of the things like toys
and mugs and t-shirt.
No!
It seems like even the weird things are getting churned out faster than Marvel can produce
new movies.
So this got me thinking, is it possible to live entirely off of Marvel merchandise?
Well to help me out with this, I enlisted the help of my good friend, Red Bard, who
posed a similar question for Neon Genesis Evangelion and produced an entire video dedicated
to this a few months ago.
So ladies and gentlemen, let me introduce you to Tony.
He’s your normal everyday guy, but with two key exceptions.
One, he owns every single piece of official Marvel merchandise that has ever existed and
also, he lives in a world where every single campaign that Marvel has done with other companies
is currently ongoing right now.
Tony wakes up in his bedroom decked out in Avengers wallpaper which by the way, he changes
out regularly since he has quite the selection.
His bed is fitted with a Spider-Man bed cover.
Yeah, not just sheets, but AN ENTIRE BED COVER!
That said, of course he does actually have Marvel sheets, pillowcases, and a comforter
and maybe even a plushie or two for good measure.
He hops out in his Captain America pajamas and Infinity Gauntlet slippers.
He then tiredly stumbles toward the kitchen which is past his Ant-Man ant farm and his
premium Hulkbuster statue.
He makes a fresh cup of Joe in his Iron Man coffee maker in one of his many many… oh
god so many mugs.
While it brews, Tony decides to whip up some breakfast.
He peruses his vast collection of Marvel branded appliances like his Spider-Man pancake maker,
his Groot waffle maker, or maybe he could to double up on Spidey Berry Pop-Tarts in
both his Captain America and Captain Marvel toasters.
He ultimately decides to grab a cereal from his pre-MCU collection of Marvel branded cereals
and of course, his finely crafted Wolverine bowl.
I know it’s a candy bowl for Halloween, but come on, how could you not want to eat
cereal out of this thing?!
After a hearty meal, Tony fills up yet another mug and waters his Groot Chia Pet, but suddenly,
he hears an alarm from his official Thor dumbell alarm clock.
Hold up, pause.
It’s both?
It’s seriously both?
That’s so specific!
What possible function could having both in the same device serve?
Actually, y’know what, it doesn’t even matter because it’s time for a workout so
he can get a body like iron… man.
His boxing gloves are not only Iron Man themed, but they’re actually rated the best boxing
gloves of 2019 by Men’s Health.
For a little bit of extra flair, Tony suits up in not a tank top.
Not leggings.
Not a t-shirt, but in this super slick Punisher gi with comic art inside of it.
It’s honestly super high quality and yet somehow it’s also thirty dollars cheaper
than the boxing gloves.
So now that he’s dressed to kick some ass, Tony drops to his knees and he just goes to
town on a Captain America child’s punching bag.
Oh my good, look at this guy go.
After working up a sweat, it’s time for Tony to hit the showers.
He grabs all of his appropriate Marvel branded bath gear, save for his Infinity Stone bath
bombs since he’s in a hurry.
He closes his Marvel shower curtain and viola.
Time to dry off with his comedicaly large Marvel logo towel and slip into his Captain
America robe before starting his daily routine.
Tony starts off with a close shave with one of his many Gillette razors.
Fun fact, when these came out, Gillette transformed their headquarters into Stark Industries for
the day.
For shaving cream, of course our boy uses Axe since he’s a big fan of the Fresh Men
which was Marvel’s collaboration with them.
They also have a mixtape which I’m sure that Tony listens to on his Marvel stereo
in order to get hyped for the day to come.
Oh oh!
Looks like he cut himself!
Good thing that he has a Marvel Band-Aid at the ready!
For the rest of his routine, Tony brushes his teeth with his Marvel toothbrush and Avengers
toothpaste.
He dons his Captain America suit, Punisher watch, Avengers Vans, and Groot ring, has
a spritz of his Iron Man fragrance so he that knows he smells like success, grabs his Marvel
messenger bag filled with various Marvel office supplies, a few comics, and his Iron Man briefcase…
charger so that he can connect it to his phone in an Ion Man case with an Iron Man lightning
cable for good measure.
As he walks out, you might notice that Tony actually lives at the Disneyland Paris Resort
and oh my god, can we just take a second to appreciate these gorgeous windows, but anyway
back on topic.
So you might be wondering how Tony is going to get to work and the answer is in style!
Everyone, feast your eyes on the official Iron Man Hyundai Kona!
It is sleek.
It is beautiful, and actually, it’s oddly affordable!
Now look, I’ve never owned a brand new car before, but this is the equivalent to the
Hyundai Kona Ultimate which goes for about $27,000 with the Iron Man version starting
at $30,000.
I mean, if you’re already spending 27 grand on a car, is 3k more to make it extra unique
and stylish really that bad?
I mean come on!
The gear shift is an arc reactor, the tires have little helmets on them, and there’s
glowey Iron Man eyes on the display!
It’s so cool!
But even though there’s a large Iron Man helmet painted on the roof, you gotta wonder.
is it REALLY Marvel enough?
And the answer is of course not!
We all know Tony went the extra mile and decked it out with all the Marvel auto accessories
you could ever want.
Oh!
Don’t forget to change the Marvel air freshener!
Now he’s ready to go.
And he doesn’t have to worry about any dangerous traffic because Tony is insured by Geico.
Oh, did we not mention that the official Geico lore features the gecko wielding the Infinity
Gauntlet?
Yeah, that’s probably worth mentioning.
So obviously Tony works at a tech firm and clearly a successful one given his lifestyle.
After all, how else could he afford his new Mjolnir toolbox?
I actually really like the design on this thing.
It’s really cool that the hammer is also the handle.
But anyway, Tony’s workstation is completely decked out with Marvel goodies.
Iron Man headphones, keyboard, chair, and mouse with a Marvel emoji mousepad for good
measure!
If he gets tired throughout the day then Tony can pop a Daredevil energy shot or maybe one
of these Avengers snack packs!
Of course, he keeps them in his Iron Man mini fridge.
But when lunch finally rolls around, the initial plan was for Tony to heat up some Avengers
chicken nuggets in his Avengers microwave, but he quickly figured out that perhaps this
microwave wouldn’t be right for the job.
So he instead hops over to Denny’s instead for their Fan4stic promotion.
Wow, a mediocre restaurant has a tie-in to a mediocre movie.
What a surprise.
He mulls over the menu for a bit.
You know, he’s trying to choose between the Human Torch Skillet, The Thing Burger,
and the Invisible Woman Slam.
Really?
Of all the names they could have gone with, that’s the one they chose?
Keeping it real classy there Denny’s.
Nice.
But anyway, he ultimately decides to get The Fantastic Four-Cheese Omelette and he leaves
a generous tip with his Marvel MasterCard that he pulls from his Marvel magic wallet
because we all know he can aFOURd it.
Oh and speaking of things he can afford, today’s a fine day to take a half day off work just
because.
Back at his pad, Tony strips down to a more comfortable outfit, turns on his Captain America
popcorn maker, puts it in his Endgame popcorn bowl, plops down on his couch, and snuggles
up with his Ghost Rider pillow to decompress in front of his Iron Man HD TV which is of
course, the only vessel worthy of viewing his entire collection of Marvel movies and
TV shows, even the bad ones like the Iron Man anime.
Yeah, bet you didn’t know that one exists.
Oh!
Don’t forget to plug in your Iron Man speakers.
After unwinding for a bit, Tony remembers that his girlfriend is coming over for a date
tonight!
So he dons his Black Panther apron and Hulk oven mitts to whip up a fancy dinner.
How about about some dishes from “Stan Lee Presents: The Mighty Marvel Superheroes' Cookbook”
from 1977!
This has such gems as Thor’s Asgardian vegetable soup, the Be-Deviled Swiss Steak, and Sub-Mariner's
Magnificent Tuna Bake.
My personal favorite entry is the Super Meat Loaf, not because of the recipe because it’s
well… meatloaf, but they recommend that you make it in lots of fun shapes like a square
or a circle, or little meat balls thus entirely defeating the point of the meat being in loaf
form, but anyway, I could and probably might make an entire video dedicated to this thing,
but Tony is hungry and doesn’t have the patience to sit here and listen to me ramble
about a 40 year old cookbook.
In fact, he already busted out his Captain America slow cooker and made some Avengers
pasta which is like a Civil War in your stomach!
Don’t forget to wash it down with some Spider-Man Dark Berry Dr. Pepper in a Marvel glass with
Avengers ice cubes!
Now, our boy aims to impress so he sets the table in the most romantic fashion available.
I’m talking about child’s birthday party goods!
Paper plates, napkins, tablecloth, the whole nine yards!
But he spices it up with some Punisher salt & pepper shakers and quickly changes into
yet another Marvel suit, but this time, he pairs it with some Marvel Adidas and Avengers
sunglasses.
And you know what?
He’s finished just in time because his date’s just arrived!
Let’s go ahead and call his date uh…
You know, let’s call her Pepper!
Well since we’re using comic book art, I’d really prefer if we named her something different
since Tony and Pepper really weren’t a thing in the comics.
I mean most people know about Iron Man through the MCU so having someone like Madame Masque
would just be confusing.
You know what, that’s fair.
I’ll change the head or something.
So like Tony, Pepper is an absolute Marvel fanatic and is dressed from head to toe in
stylish merch.
As a matter of fact, even her makeup is courtesy of Ulta Beauty’s official line of Marvel
cosmetics.
And you know, it’s a good thing she showed up too!
I mean after all, Tony can’t really play on his Marvel air hockey table or Hulk Operation
by himself.
Well I mean I guess he could, but that wouldn’t really be a whole lot of fun, you know?
But you know what?
If Tony really want to impress Pepper then games just aren’t going to be enough, even
if he does have a massive library of them.
No, if he wants to have a truly memorable date night, he’s gonna have to really turn
up the pizzaz.
You know, show her just how cool he is and you know, nothing screams “I’m cool and
you should continue to date me despite my frankly worrying amount of Marvel merchandise
even by the standards of the most hardcore fans.”
like an “I Have Issues” skateboard and a Marvel helmet for safety.
And yet, somehow, no.
This still just isn’t enough.
It just doesn’t pack that same, rad “I’m too cool for school!” energy that he’s
really going for, you know?
But incidentally, you know what else he has that might help him out right now?
He has (get ready for this) a Wolverine guitar, which you can definitely bet he’s gonna
play the sickest of riffs off of while he skateboards across the Marvel campus in Disneyland
Paris.
Honestly, it doesn’t even matter at this point if Pepper’s in awe of this or not
because I’m in awe just saying this out loud.
But even with all of this swag, Tony starts to wonder if this is enough.
“Am I REALLY setting myself apart from other men?”
He ponders.
“Better be safe than sorry!”
He packs packs his Iron Man suitcase, grabs his Spider-Man neck pillow, and books a flight
with United Airlines through their Spider-Man campaign because you know that they needed
some way to bribe people into actually flying with them.
They did have some cute napkins, but they also gave passengers some Spidey merch like
a sleeping mask, earplugs, dental kit, a bag, and… socks for some reason, but where am
I supposed to put these?
In the carry on they charged me for?!
Now that they’re Far From Home, they’ve arrived in scenic Las Vegas, more specifically
the Iron Man Hall of Armor at the Treasure Island Casino’s Avengers Station to look
at their collection of Iron Man suits.
And so after a long and wonderful date, Tony and Pepper are exhausted so they get a ride
back to their hotel in Audi’s experimental… uh…
VR rideshare… game… digital coaster… uh… thing?
I’m going to be totally honest with you, I’m not 100% sure what this is, but Forbes
and The Verge said that it’s a thing that existed at one point so there you go.
So in conclusion, not only can you live entirely off of Marvel merchandise, but you can do
it in luxury!
Like, for the more casual fans you got things like mugs, you got wall decor, you got...god,
an advent calendar, but then for the fan who’s just really out there.
For the fan who’s just really lost control of their life, you know you got things like
the Spider-Man suit or the Infinity Gauntlet piggy bank.
Hey, don’t judge me!
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I also want to give a big thank you to Red Bard for helping me out with this video.
At the time of this recording, she’s about to it one hundred thousand subscribers and
honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised if by the time this comes up, she already hit that
mark, but anyway, definitely go check out the video that she did on if you can live
entirely off of Neon Genesis Evangelion merch, but anyway, I hope you learned at least a
little something new and hopefully, I’ll see you next time!