WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY.
MY FIRST GUEST IS THE EMMY-NOMINATED STAR OF THE
EMMY-NOMINATED SERIES "UNBREAKABLE KIMMY SCHMIDT."
>> COME ON, KIMMY!
YOU KNOW IT'S OKAY TO STEP ON CRACKS.
JUST BECAUSE SOMETHING RHYMES DOESN'T MEAN IT'S TRUE, BECAUSE
I'VE DEFINITELY SMELT WHAT I KNOW TITUSS DEALT.
LIKE SEEING EVERY VAN I SEE IS GOING TO KIDNAP ME.
>> GET IN THE VAN, KIMMY.
>> NEVER!
>> MISS SMI.
>> IT IS CLOBBERING TIME.
>> NO!
MISSMI, F.B.I.
WE NEED YOUR HELP.
>> OH, CHRISTMAS.
I AM SO SORRY.
>> ARE YOU OKAY?
>> I THINK SHE BROKE MY BACK.
>> I BROKE YOUR MOTHER'S BACK?
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: PLEASE WELCOME THE
AWARD-WORTHY ELLIE KEMPER!
GOOD TO SEE YOU.
COME ON UP!
>> HI!
THAT WAS SO SMOOTH!
>> Stephen: NICE TO HAVE YOU BACK.
>> THANK YOU FOR HAVING ME.
>> Stephen: NICE TO SEE YOU AGAIN.
>> SUCH AN HONOR TO BE HERE.
>> Stephen: NOW THE LAST TIME YOU WERE HERE WAS RIGHT BEFORE
THE CONVENTIONS LAST YEAR IN JUNE, 2016.
>> YEAH, IT WAS ♪ IT'S A WHOLE NEW WORLD ♪
AND FOR YOU, TOO, BECAUSE YOU WERE MASSIVELY, LIKE ANY MOMENT
PREGNANT AT THE TIME.
>> I WAS THREE WEEKS AWAY OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT.
>> Stephen: YEAH, YEAH, AND THREE WEEKS, YOU'RE AS GOOD AS
THERE.
>> ABSOLUTELY, YOU'RE IN THE SAFE ZONE.
AND I DID HAVE THE BABY.
>> Stephen: I'M GLAD.
GOOD FOR YOU.
GOOD FOR THE BABY AND YOUR LOVELY HUSBAND, MICHAEL.
SAY HI.
>> I WILL.
>> Stephen: BOY OR GIRL?
>> IT'S A BOY NAMED JAMES.
>> Stephen: THAT'S NICE, THAT'S NICE.
FAMILY NAME?
>> FAMILY NAME FROM BOTH SIDES.
>> Stephen: SAME FATHER, OKAY.
SO, WHAT ABOUT-- LAST TIME YOU WERE HERE YOU WERE TALKING
ABOUT-- BECAUSE CATHOLIC, CATHOLIC.
>> WE'RE BOTH CATHOLIC.
>> Stephen: AND YOUR LOVELY HUSBAND IS JEWISH AND YOU
WEREN'T SURE WHETHER TO RAISE THE KIDS CATHOLIC.
HOW IS THAT GOING?
>> HE'S JEWISH AND THAT'S FINE!
IT'S GOING-- I'M KIDDING!
I SHOULDN'T -- >> Stephen: NO ONE SAYS-- ARE
YOU ANGLING FOR A JOB IN THE TRUMP ADMINISTRATION RIGHT NOW?
( LAUGHTER ) OKAY.
>> I'M HERE TONIGHT-- NO.
YES, WE WERE SORT OF FIGURING OUT HOW TO RAISE JAMES WITH WHAT
RELIGION?
WE'RE GOING THE CATHOLIC ROUTE.
HE DID GET BAPTIZED.
HE GOT BAPTIZED LATER ON IN MAY.
HE WAS 10 MONTHS OLD.
WHICH I THINK IS TOO BIG FOR THE PRIEST TO BE HOLDING.
>> Stephen: IT'S A LITTLE BIG.
YOU HAVE TO GO TO A BABY POOL OR A HOT TUB.
>> PRIESTS ARE NOT KNOWN FOR THEIR GRIT, SO I WAS WORRIED HE
WAS GOING TO DROP HIM, BUT HE DIDN'T DROP HIM.
>> Stephen: I BET THERE ARE PRIESTS OUT THERE SAYING I HAVE
PLENTY OF GRIT.
I'M CELIBATE.
THAT TAKES GRIT.
>> THAT'S TRUE.
>> Stephen: THAT BUILDS UP THE GRIT AFTER A WHILE.
AT 10 MONTHSES HE MUST HAVE BEEN SCRAMBLING AROUND BECAUSE
THEY'RE STRONG AT 10 MONTHS.
>> THEY'RE STRONG AND THEY'RE EMOTIONAL AND THEY HAVE
OPINIONS.
AND, ALSO, THIS IS COUPLED WITH THE FACT THAT, LIKE, I DON'T
KNOW IF THIS HAPPENS TO YOU-- PROBABLY NOT.
I GET VERY NERVOUS AROUND PRIESTS BECAUSE I IMMEDIATELY
FEEL LIKE I'M GUILTY OF SOMETHING.
OF, I'VE DONE SOMETHING WRONG.
YOU KNOW, IT'S THE SAME THING AS POLICEMEN.
I ALWAYS FEEL GUILTY AROUND A POLICEMAN.
>> Stephen: SURE, WHEN I LOOK IN MY REAR-VIEW MIRROR AND SEE A
PRIEST BEHIND ME I GO, "WHAT DID I DO?"
>> YOU IMMEDIATELY FEEL LIKE A VILLAIN.
>> Stephen: ONE OF MY FAVORITE THINGS ABOUT PAPATISM-- WE HAVE
THREE KIDS AND THEY WERE ALL BAPTIZED IN THE CATHOLIC CHURCH.
SKI LOVE THE BAPTISMAL VOWS BECAUSE THERE ARE THINGS YOU SAY
IN THE BAPTISMAL VOWS THAT YOU DON'T HEAR ANY OTHER TIME IN
YOUR CATHOLIC UPBRINGING.
MY FAVORITE S, DO YOU REJET THE GLAMOUR OF EVIL."
AND YOU HAVE TO SAY, "I DO."
THE PRIEST SAYS, "DO YOU REJECT THE GLAMOUR OF EVIL?"
AND YOU'RE LIKE, "MMM, EVIL, BUT WHAT'S THE GLAMOUR STUFF."
>> I DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS SO SHINY.
>> Stephen: ISN'T THAT THE EMMY AWARDS.
>> I LOVE THAT.
>> Stephen: RED CARPET.
>> MY PRIEST KIND OF THREW IT AWAY AS THOUGH I WOULDN'T CATCH
IT.
"DO YOU REDISWRECT THE GLAMOUR OF EVIL?"
AND IT'S SOMETHING YOU HAVE TO SAY, "YES, I DO."
YOU THINK AFTERWARDS IT'S SUCH AN ENORMOUS THING THEY'RE ASKING
YOU TO DO.
>> Stephen: I THINK THEY THROW IT AWAY BECAUSE IT SEEMS
SLIGHTLY MEDIEVAL OR EXORCISMY.
DO YOU REJECT SATAN, THE PRINCE OF DARKNESS?
I ALWAYS GO, "I DO!
BRING HIM HERE.
I WILL FIGHT HIM WITH MY BARE HANDS."
DID THE BABY CRY?
DID JAMES CRY WHEN HE WAS BAPTIZED?
>> YES, HE SCREAMED.
AND THE PRIEST DUNKED HIM IN THE WATER-- YOU SAY THAT'S GOOD?
>> Stephen: IF THE BABY DOESN'T CRY, HE DIDN'T GET THE
DELVE OUT.
>> HE DID!
>> Stephen: GOOD, IF YOU EVER GO TO A BAPTISM AND THE BABY
DOESN'T CRY, JUST GO UP TO THE MOTHER AND SAY, "DEVIL BABY."
>> I WILL.
>> Stephen: IT'S TRUE.
>> THAT'S HORRIFYING GRU HAVE TO GET THE HATE OUT.
>> HE DEFINITELY GOT THE HATE OUT.
>> Stephen: LIKE A BAD SPIRIT.
>> OH, YEAH, HE'S OUT.
IN FACT, AS SOON AS WE GOT HOME FROM THE BAPTISM-- THIS IS NO
JOKE-- AN HOUR AFTER THE BAPTISM I FOUND JAMES WAY SHARD OF GLASS
IN HIS HAND.
IT WAS AT MY PARENTS' HOUSE.
WHY WAS THERE GLASS ON THEIR FLOOR?
>> Stephen: WAS THERE A PARTY, A BAPTISM PARTY?
>> NO, THEY'RE JUST WILD PEOPLE.
>> Stephen: SO YOU FOUND HIM WITH A SHARD OF GLASS.
>> I WAS WATCHING HIM.
HE WAS MIRACULOUSLY UNHURT.
I DON'T KNOW IF HE WAS TESTING GOD.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE POINT WAS.
HE TURNED OUT OKAY BUT I DON'T KNOW IF IT WAS A SIGN WASN'T
SUPPOSED TO DO THAT.
>> Stephen: MY ELDEST SON PETER, WHEN HE WAS PRETTY YOUNG,
JUST BEING ABLE TO TALK, HE HAD ONE HAND BEHIND HIS BACK WHILE I
WAS TRYING TO GET HIS SHOES ON ONE MORNING AND HE SAID, "DAD,
WHAT DO I HAVE IN MY HAND?" AND I SAID, "BUDDY, WE HAVE TO
GET GOING?" AND THEN I WENT, ," BUDDY, WHAT
DO YOU HAVE IN YOUR HAND?
AND HE PULLED IT OUT AND IT WAS A KNIFE.
>> YOU'RE KIDDING ME.
>> Stephen: I THINK HE WANTED ME ASK HIM SO I WOULD TAKE IT
AWAY FROM HIM BECAUSE IT WAS SHINY AND LOVELY AND HE KNEW HE
SHOULDN'T HAVE IT.
>> HE WAS TESTING YOU.
>> Stephen: I THINK HE DIDN'T CRY WHEN WE BAPTIZED HIM.
I THINK HE MAY BE A DEVIL BABY.
"UNBREAKABLE KIMMY SCHMIDT," NOMINATED FOR AN EMMY.
YOU'RE AN IMPROVISER, I KNOW THIS.
ARE YOU WRITING AN ACCEPTANCE SPEECH OR ARE YOU JUST GOING TO
FREEBALL IT?
>> I'M GOING TO TOTALLY FREEBALL.
I THINK I'LL WRITE DOWN-- I DON'T THINK I'M NECESSARILY
GOING TO WIN.
I'M GOING TO WRITE DOWN A LIST OF NAMES OF PEOPLE TO THANK
BECAUSE OTHERWISE I WOULD BLANK ON THAT.
DO YOU WRITE DOWN-- I MEAN, YOU'VE WON SO MANY AWARDS.
I'M NOT JUST SAYING THAT.
IT'S TRUE.
>> Stephen: NO, NO, BUT THEN-- YOU'RE CURSING YOURSELF.
THEN YOU'RE PUTTING THE HEX ON YOU.
IF YOU WRITE IT DOWN YOU GET THE HAINTS IN YOU.
>> THEN YOU ARE JINXING IT.
>> Stephen: ARE YOU GOING TO THANK YOUR BABY?
>> I'M GOING TO THANK JAMES FIRST AND FOREMOST.
>> Stephen: OTHERWISE WHEN THEY'RE OLDER THEY SAY WHY
DIDN'T YOU THANK ME.
>> THEN THEY'RE ON THE THERAPIST'S COUCH.
>> Stephen: DOES YOUR SON WATCH THE SHOW?
>> HE DOES NOT, AND NOT BECAUSE OF THE CONTENT, WHICH IS VERY
CHILD FRIENDLY, BY THE WAY.
>> Stephen: IT IS.
IT'S POSITIVE MESSAGES.
>> IT'S VERY POSITIVE.
IT'S SINCERELY OPTIMISTIC WHICH I REALLY LIKE ABOUT THAT SHOW.
>> Stephen: WE REALLY NEED THAT RIGHT NOW.
>> WE DO, SO IT'S VERY GREAT THAT TINA AND ROBERT CREATED
THIS SHOW WHICH IS SO UPLIFTING.
BUT JAMES IS ONLY ONE, AND I WISH THAT HE WOULD BE MORE TAKEN
WITH TELEVISION, BUT HE IS NOT.
>> Stephen: YOU'RE THE ONE MOTHER WHO WANTS MORE SCREEN
TIME?
>> MORE SCREEN TIME, MORE SCREEN TIME.
BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, ON PLANE RIDES OR CAR RIDES OR SOMETHING,
I DESPERATELY-- I'LL SHOW-- SORRY, GUYS-- I'LL SHOW HIM AN
iPHONE HOPING HE'LL STOP CRYING BY LOOKING AT THAT BUT HE HAS NO
NEED FOR THAT.
>> Stephen: HOW OLD IS HE?
>> ONE.
>> Stephen: PLENTY OF TIME FOR HIM TO BECOME CHEMICALLY
DEPENDENT ON THE SCREEN.
YOU BROUGHT THIS HERE TODAY.
THERE HAVE BEEN SOME ADVANCEMENTS ON THIS OVER THE
YEARS.
>> I THINK IT'S JUST CALLED "THE CUBE."
EVER SINCE BECOMING A MOTHER-- LET ME TELL YOU THIS-- I THOUGHT
I WOULD BECOME MORE MATURE, BUT IN FACT I FEEL LIKE I'M BECOMING
A BABY.
LIKE, I GO TO BED AT 7:30, USUALLY.
I'M USUALLY EATING DINNER BY 5:00, AND MOST OF THAT IS MUSHY
FOOD.
IT'S SO STRANGE, I'M CRAWLING EVERYWHERE-- NO, I'M NOT
CRAWLING.
THE OTHER THING IS-- AND ANY PARENT KNOWS THISUE GET THESE
CHILDREN SONGS STUCK IN YOUR HEAD LIKE ON A LOOP.
AND I GET THESE CHILDREN'S SONGS STUCK IN MY HEAD THAT AREN'T
EVEN SWEET LULLABIES.
THEY'RE MUSIC FROM TOYS.
I BROUGHT THIS HERE TODAY BECAUSE I'LL SHOW YOU WHAT THIS
PICTURE PITCH IS.
♪ SQUARE ♪ THAT'S A SQUARE
♪ THE CAT SINGS MEO, MEOW.
THE CAT IN THE SQUARE IS PEEKING OUT OF THERE
♪ MEOW, MEOW, MEOW, MEOW THE CAT'S IN THE SQUARE ♪
>> Stephen: IT HAS A HOOK.
>> IT'S A BEAUTIFUL SOUND.
THAT'S GORGEOUS.
IT WILL BE NOMINATED FAIR GRAMMY.
YOU SEE WHY WHEN YOU'RE AN ADULT--
>> YOU CAN FIND THE ANIMAL-- >> STOP.
THAT CAN BE GRATING.
SO I HAVE TRIED TO ADAPT THESE SONG INTO MORE ADULT VERSIONS
AND I WOULD LIKE TO SING THEM FOR YOU.
>> Stephen: WE WOULD LOVE TO HEAR THOSE SONGS.
>> JON, COULD I GET A LITTLE "CAT IN THE SQUARE"?
>> Jon: I GOT THAT "CAT IN THE SQUARE."
I GOT YOU.
♪ THE CAT IN THE SQUARE.
>> ♪ IN THE SQUARE.
>> ♪ IS PEEKING OUT OF THERE ♪
>> ♪ OUT OF THERE.
>> ♪ MEOW, MEOW, MEOW, MEOW
WANT CAT IN THE SQUARE.
>> ♪ SQUARE YEAH.
>> ♪ OH, THE CAT IN THE SQUARE.
>> ♪ IN THE SQUARE.
>> ♪ IS PEEKING OUT OF THERE
MEOW, MEOW, MEOW, MEOW ♪ THE CAT'S IN THE SQUARE.
EVERYBODY!
♪ THE CAT'S IN THE SQUARE ♪ IN THE SQUARE NOW
♪ IS PEEKING OUT OF THERE MEOW, MEOW MEOW, MEOW
♪ THE CAT IN THE SQUARE ♪ ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: "UNBREAKABLE KIMMY SCHMIDT" IS ON NETFLIX.
GOOD LUCK AT THE EMMYS.