Oh hey everybody! This week on Ask Cristen I got an email from Stuff Mom Never Told You
fan Hannah who writes, ‘I’m a 25-year-old women with a bit of a problem that I’m struggling
to really understand. If I’m struggling with it, there are probably others who are
too, so it might make a good video.’ Boy were you right. Wait. Girl were you right.
‘I’m only 2 years into marriage and I have developed an aversion to sex. Most Sex-Positive
sources are just that - positive. A whole lot of sunshine, condoms and daisies. But
they never tell you HOW’ - all caps - ‘to get over the issues you may have with sex.
The problem doesn’t lie with my libido - the problem lies with years of thoughts and experience
that have developed into an aversion. I know it can’t be fixed overnight. I know that
I enjoy sex and that I have enjoyed it in the past. I really want to have sex with my
husband, but the thought of it typically makes me uncomfortable and closed-off. When I do
feel open enough, I usually experience post-coital sadness and sometimes sob uncontrollably for
a few minutes. My husband has never made me feel bad about this. In fact, he’s incredibly
supportive and NEVER’ - all caps - ‘pressures me to do anything. I’ve never experienced
sexual abuse. The only thing I can say is that I have body confidence issues (after
gaining some weight), I grew up believing that sex before marriage was wrong, and as
a consequence, felt extremely, horribly guilty over my sex drive when I was younger, which
I would obviously relieve through masturbation. I am STILL’ - all caps - ‘haunted by feelings
of sexual disgust, shame and sadness, even when I thought I had dealt with and eliminated
my church-induced sex-shame already. HOW’ - all caps - ‘can I re-wire my brain into
enjoying sex as something fun and beautiful and affectionate and passionate and normal?’
Like you said this is an issue that’s not going to fix itself overnight and probably
could use some professional help, which is totally fine. I go to a therapist. Ain’t
no shame in my therapy game. But there are three things I can impart to you and all the
other people watching this video who can relate to what you’re going through and the very
first one: You are not alone. According to the National Health and Social Life survey,
32% of American women and 15% of American men reported having zero sexual interest for
a number of months in the previous year. The second message I wanted to impart is that
what you’re going through Hannah I think is a symptom of a wide-spread epidemic of
shame when it comes to female bodies and sexuality. Think about the way we talk about dieting,
guilty foods and cheat days, how embarrassed we’re supposed to be if we go to buy condoms
or we go to buy sex toys or lube or if we ask our pharmacist for Plan B, period product
commercials that use that mysterious blue liquid because if you used something that
looked a little more like menstrual blood that would be obscene. Think about all of
the social media that have censored breast-feeding women, the word slut and slut-shaming, the
very term walk of shame. And yeah, guys can do the walk of shame [loud gasp]. Oh god,
there’s a mouse. There’s a mouse in my house, there’s a mouse in my house! [Scared
sounds]. Most of us girls are raised to tiptoe along a tightrope of being good girls but
not being too slutty and still being desirable but not being too desirable. The thing about
religion is that it just raises that tightrope up even higher so that if you fall, you fall
all the way to hell. And I can say that from first-hand experience because I was raised
in a similar environment. And the third and final message I have for you Hannah is to
stop fretting about the sex. The way you describe being younger and feeling guilty simply for
experiencing sexual interest and pleasure and then masturbating, it’s understandable
that your brain unbeknownst to you forged a pretty strong connection between sexual
pleasure and probably orgasm and guilt and shame. What I would encourage you to do Hannah,
is to reteach your brain that your body is not a source of shame and that sexual pleasure
is not dangerous. And I know you know that in your head. Whatever kind of physical thing
that you can do with your body whether that is going out jogging or lifting weights or
mountain climbing, I don’t what kind of mountain you would climb like this - physical
actions that make you feel good, that make you feel empowered and start rebuilding that
relationship. Also don’t forget or marginalize all of the non-intercourse activities that
you can do alone or with your husband that can deepen your relationship and also build
that sexual desire. And please repeat after me: Your body is not a source of shame. So
Hannah while I’m not a licensed therapist I hope that this helped a little bit and folks
watching if this resonated with you, I want to know in what way. If you just need to get
out what you’re feeling or if you have some tips to share, please let me know in the comments
below and also if you’re someone who has been in a relationship with someone who has
had zero sex drive, let us know how you worked through that or if you worked through that.
Thanks to everybody who watched and commented on last week’s Ask Cristen video about female
facial hair. Monica Martin said, ‘When I was drunk once, my male friend was talking
about how women don’t have to deal with facial hair and I said that I did. He said
that eyebrows don’t count. I pointed to my chin and explained that I have three little
black hairs that grow there and I shave them off every couple of weeks. Immediately my
female friends jump in to tell their facial hair routines, all of them saying they thought
they were the only ones.’ Tolvo said, ‘I'm a trans woman, it is a struggle. I actually
don't get dysphoria from having facial hair and like the look, but just for my own safety
so I'm not murdered I've been considering having my facial hair medically removed. I
wish facial hair on women, cis or trans, was acceptable.﻿’ Tolvo I wish that being
a trans-person did not make you at risk of getting murdered. But as always friends ask
me your questions so I can give you some answers.