hi my name is Matt Roberts I was an intern at Late Night with David Letterman and I worked at Late
Show with David Letterman from 1993 until the end in 2015 starting in the ticket office and ending
as an executive producer and the head writer this show was where I wanted to work from the time I
was 11 years old I don't know where to begin with all of the things that dazzled me the thrill cam
jumps out as something that just seemed so bizarre and despite it being such a silly idea it probably
did evoke something Of A Thrill in 11 or 12 or 13 year old me whenever that actually came along
all right
the dancing waters was another thing that I just thought was so
silly and delightful and the ensuing parade that became larger and larger
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was somebody who you knew that he worked on the show but he was insanely funny
William Shatner had done this elaborate interpretation of Rocket Man so Chris
Elliott came on the show and basically just did the same thing it's lonely out here in
Mars ain't a place to raise a kid
now in fact it's cold as hell
there wouldn't be anyone there to raise the little boogers
I did
and I think it's gonna be a long long time till touchdown brings me around to find I'm not the
man they think I am at all no no I'm a rocket man I loved the performance it was insane but
then what I loved even more afterwards when crisscross to the desk and did panel it was
as if Chris had intentionally just allowed the segment to come to a complete standstill
and I don't understand what he is is he a puppet or is he a machine I don't know toy
as interns we had different assignments at a certain point you'd be covering the front
phones while the main receptionist went on her break little did I know they had planned
a segment on the show secretly called uh let's meet the interns and so during the
act one as I'm sitting there answering phones and watching the show up on the Monitor and
he picks up his phone on the desk and starts dialing a camera comes around the corner and
suddenly it's on I'm talking to Dave and I think if I'm not mistaken I might have
had tragic early 90s facial hair what are you studying in Maine I'm studying English
you know Matt it's a good thing we don't have you hooked up to a polygraph have you
ever stolen office supplies no of course you have what time do I arrive each day uh
six A.M so one of my good friends from College actually came and worked for the show as well and
he was a writer and I was a researcher and we were roommates one night we came home and uh we had
been completely robbed when the staff found out that we were robbed well they did what only uh our
show would do which was they made a remote out of it and it was Dave takes Matt and Doug to replace
their stuff at Macy's the upside of it was that of course by doing that piece we would get paid seven
or eight hundred bucks right so that each so then that starts to get you closer to being able to
replace a few things I remember thinking I need to go say something to Dave to thank him for this uh
this generous gift and this gesture I just remember walking into his office and I just
said you know very earnestly you know thank you so much that means so much that you did this and
we really appreciate it and then it just sort of felt like it was that moment when you know
you have to kind of leave but then it felt weird to not say anything else so I just remember in
the moment saying God bless us everyone it made they laugh and then I I just walked out do you
need an answering machine yeah you get a lot of messages you guys oh they get no messages these
guys I would play this joke on my mom mom would be ironing in the kitchen the phone would ring
and I would say oh good at mom I was very ill and then I would grab the iron and do the hello
do you have any idea math Doug any idea who hit you guys who knocked you off any
thought actually there is really you have kind of a suspect in mind
I may be the only person that doesn't love the staff hypnosis piece
just because I find it mortifying I can only describe the experience of being hypnotized
it's not like a trance like people think it's not like you don't know what's going on you
know exactly what's going on it's almost like you have had every sort of sort of self-consciousness
taken away in the same way that you might if you'd had like several drinks Marshall silver
suggested to me that anytime Dave referred to money that it would make me sort of laugh make
me a little bitter make me sort of get irritated by how much money they've made I know that uh I
get a lot of money but one of the benefits of having all of that money is the facility the
research facility you know so I don't feel so badly making that kind of money when I
can provide services like that for people like yourself and others who work on the show you know
are you kidding about what I mean like with the amount of money that you make we could
be like in a palette we had a research Palace right I mean you you enjoy the benefits of my
wealth by working here and knowing me you have a really wealthy friend that's kind of a Croc
so much and I'm you you work okay so you work a few more hours than me right
but let me ask you this what do you care you got a shirt on your back you get three
meals a day you have a place to live you have money for dates but I don't have I
don't even have one million dollars you have you don't deserve it I deserve 13. no I know
I know but you could give me one and you
I'm not gonna pick favorites among the writers because there just have been so many great
writers on the show but Steve Young regularly generated ideas that just made me laugh so much
and we're just so unexpected like it just kind of came out of nowhere he was especially funny
writing for Jerry Mulligan the one thing that stands out is uh something where he
came out and led the crowd in a sort of a call response pertaining to the recently discovered
Higgs boson particle how does finding the Higgs boson change our understanding of
the universe an excellent question thank you Paul let's get busy all right guys
okay ready let's go Higgs now just the balcony now just the ladies hey now you Dave Higgs
not playing along okay one more everybody Higgs love you guys hangs out
remember to vote to me the theoretical physicist People's Choice Awards
one bit I had a hand in creating called the weekend late show that was meant to Lampoon
the fact that you sort of get the bee Talent on the weekend versions of anything it ended
up being something that Dave was very tickled by in the promos for the weekend Late Show there was
only ever one actual Talent who we brought in to to appear in a promotion as a guest on the
upcoming weekend Late Show if the star name is on The Late Show then who would be the second tier
star that the weekend Late Show would get and the obvious choice to us seemed to be Donald Trump Jr
and over here in our cookery Nook we have Donald Trump Jr who's going to show us how to make his
billion dollar meatballs Mamma Mia do you make them with beef pork reveal I use all three whoa
we did the 4am show we decided to do a remote with Amy Sedaris down in the West Village where
she lived just so happened that like you know the stretch of Christopher Street we were on had a lot
of shops that specialize in adult novelties and entertainment this is the hanger need I say more
once you're still open all right the hangar it's a it's a gate it's for guys Dave
the drug front right
um let's see oh there's the beach that they give massages and
um waxing for men and women full release
among my favorite guests Nathan Lane always came ready to deliver in a big way whether there was a
performance involved or whether it was just being hilariously funny Dave liked to tell
an apocryphal story about Merv Griffin which involved mirv coming down to the casino floor
then slapping a Kino boy we decided there was no better person on the planet to uh recreate
that moment in song than Nathan Lane who was more than game a number from the new musical
simply marvelous Nathan Lane and the cast and kids from the show come on out folks
excuse me sir you um you know you can't go into the Kino Lounge dressed like that
Hey kid do you know who I am no
I love you bastard if you spit much faster love will go and pass me bye
how do you know who I am kitten yes sir Mr Griffin God
so we finally get President Bill Clinton booked on the show we wanted him to be on the show forever
the show had not been super gentle on him from a comedic standpoint for a long time a tremendous
amount of care was taken to make sure that we wouldn't even inadvertently brush up against
anything that might make President Clinton feel uncomfortable or like we were teasing
him or whatever else President Clinton comes out and references how great the band sounds and so
Dave just as a complete kind of non-sequitur just reacting to that says uh oh yeah do you still are
you still playing the saxophone in the wake of everything that we know occurred with uh Bill
Clinton let's just say that the word blow did not come up anywhere in any of the notes or would not
have been an approved lyric I still feel like too if you watch the moment I feel like you can see it
kind of flash over Bill Clinton's face that he goes oh good God what did I just say thank you
thank you thank you very much thank you
you get a chance to play the saxophone much anymore I do I set up a music room and my
house up in traffic on is that right blow away and sometimes I play Harlem nighttime
great so for the last show there was an idea that we would take we would start with the clip of uh
the famous clip of Gerald President Gerald Ford saying our long National nightmare was over and
then it would go through every president and then it would end with President Obama saying
our long National nightmare is over David Letterman is retiring President Obama made
an appearance on the show and that was when we shot it backstage in the green room so we shoot
it everything's Perfection but when Dave says you're just kidding right President Obama goes
and then I was in the position of having to say Mr President
yeah I think that's what that's the one right there and he said yeah you don't think that'll
seem mean do you and I said no I I think because you're doing this for us it already suggests that
you you know we're all on the same page here so I think it I think it'll be fine I fellow Americans
our long National nightmare is over
our long National nightmare is over our long National nightmare is over hour long
National nightmare is over our long National nightmare is over Letterman is retiring
you're just kidding right
Martin Short among the best talk show guests of all time without a doubt and super fun to
collaborate with Marty and I developed this ritual of uh going out to dinner we
would get a back table because Marty wanted to be sure we were hidden away because he
would bring out his laptop and we would work out the whole segment over dinner and maybe
some martinis and cosmopolitans so when Marty would come out and say today you know you look
fantastic that was usually a result of each of us making lists and lists of the new trends and
see which ones made us laugh the most and then they would all end up going into the
the segment have you had a rib removed no what is it is no I just take care of myself I watch
it's a new chin yeah have you had another bypass I don't have too much work done I won't thing no
Marty always wanted to do something musical to finish his segments I specifically remember one
the premise of the bit was just that it was Marty making an entrance flying on on wires
Marty came in for rehearsal and he was all rigged up in the harness and everything else as it turns
out they make a harness that pivots but if you should flip forward into the harness you could
actually fall out of the harness on our first take when he started to pitch forward he could
feel himself sliding out of the harness and had to stop himself by like grabbing one of the the
metal cables and just slicing a huge just a huge gouge in his hand right just bleeding everywhere
Marty was a hero about it all and just you know we've bandaged it up and was hilarious as always
me through this room and make my entrance with finesse so your fly is open ma'am I'm
looking down your dress from this vantage point the Moon is but a shining wafer
wait that's not the moon I see it's head flare off Paul Shaffer
make this
to the funny man
I love
most Mr Show Business how about that oh Marty come on
everybody
Mike Wallace also cussed at me on the phone one day I just remember things got a little things
were a little bit rockier than they normally would have been with Mike Wallace and so the next day
I just remember getting a call at my desk Mike Wallace just goes Matt what the [ __ ] was that
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