Have you been wondering how to teach your children self control?
That ties right into the model that we started within our parenting courses.
Check this out.
Anytime we're talking about control, we go back to this model that we've talked about
in another videos.
Remember the one we did about positive parenting?Teaching kids responsibility?
You can link to that one right up here.
That will go you another overview of this model.
As a quick review, we plot control against maturity.
Control means, self-control, basically.
Or control over you own life.
It goes from 0, down here at the bottom of the scale to 100%, up here at the top of the
scale.
So you can have all the control and not in control or somewhere in between.
This other access of our graphs talks about maturity.
Not just how old you are but how grown up you are, determines how much control you get
to have.
One of the most common ways we think about maturity is age.
So, if we start at birth over here on the side.
How much control you have over your own life at birth?
Hardly any.
So, we'll put dot down here on this corner.
How about as an adult at this other end of maturity spectrum?
How much control do you have over your own life?
I know there's some fine print.
But when I ask teenagers this question, "How much controls do adults have?"
Oh, they're quick to answer, "All of it, 100%" So, let's go with their theory for just a
minute and put the control way up here, on the other end of the maturity spectrum.
As we increase in maturity, we get to have more and more control over our life.
This part under the line is self control.
This part over the line is the part that others take in our life.
What others?
Somebody has to be in control.
And there's a line up for who gets to be in control.
And it goes in this order.
First, self.
Self always has the first crack at the control.
Now, this is true for you.
It's also true for your kids.
Self is first in line.
Now, who's second?
For you kids, this is really obvious, it's the parents.
Parents are second in line to take control.
When you become old enough, this one is no longer relevant.
Because if you're an adult, your parents don't get to have control over you anymore.
Oh, they might try from time to time.
But they don't have the authority to take control over your life anymore.
For minor kids, parents are second in line.
Who's third?
You know I get a lot of answers like "Well, friends" or you know, other family or whatever.
Really, third is an entity that I'm going to collectively refer to as the State.
The State.
Meaning, the police.
The division of child and family services.
Youth corrections or adult corrections as the case maybe.
There are state agencies that have both power and the authority to take control over someone's
life.
And if someone is not control of themselves, and in the case of the child, if the parents
are not able to take appropriate control then the State will step in.
My preference, my strong preference is to drive this as far to the top of this list
as we can.
So, that's why it's so relevant to learn about how to teach children self-control.
What we want to do is encourage them to move this way on the diagram so that they have
the maximum amount of self-control.
Now, that's the context.
There's a lot of different tips for how to get there.
I want to share one of my favorites with you here today on this video.
And it has to do with choices.
Notice that we always have choices.
And our kids always have a choice as to whether they're going to cooperate or not, don't they?
Yes.
No matter what choices you give them, they always have the choice to cooperate or not.
In that earlier video, we divided this graph in to 3 chunks, remember the 3 stages of maturity?
And we referred to that in our parenting audio program as well.
Which you can connect to in the description of the video.
What can we do in terms of choices to encourage our children to move this way on the maturity
spectrum.
So that they can maximize their self-control.
And that strategy that I like to use is, give 2 choices.
Always give your kids 2 choices.
Now, you can give them more but that tends to complicate things.
So, why do I pick 2?
I think 2 is a really clear dichotomy that helps set up what we're trying to accomplish
here.
You want to make sure that you as a parent are okay with both choices.
Not one of them, both of them.
Why?
Because if you give your kids 2 choices, you're okay with one, you're not okay with the other
one, which one are they going to pick?
They have this uncanny ability to focus in on the thing that maybe you didn't want them
to do.
So, we're going to avoid that altogether by giving them 2 choices.
You're okay with both of them and you control one of them.
You control one of them.
That choice becomes the default choice.
You see where we going with this?
Because if they choose not to choose, which one did they choose?
Well, the one that you control.
That one is default.
So, we're eliminating the possibility that they're going to choose door number 3 and
just try to bypass your whole system.
There's always a default and you control that one.
Now, going back to our model.
What we're trying to do is show our children that the best possible outcomes for them have
to do with their exercise of self-control.
They don't really want to pick the one that you control.
So, let me give you an example.
You've got a teenage daughter whose room looks like a hurricane came through, alright?
So, you approached her with 2 choices, you're okay with either one.
"Sweetie, you can clean your room yourself by 6 o'clock to my satisfaction", I always
like to add that.
Put a timeline to it and a criteria on, okay?
"By 6 o'clock to my satisfaction.
Or here's the other choice, I'll be happy to clean it for you, if you'd rather."
Now, do you see I'm smiling a little bit?
I've raised my brows just to touch...
This sends a message to you doesn't it.
That somehow I know something that maybe you want to be thinking right now.
Yeah, think versus fight.
We want our kids thinking not fighting.
And I want her to take self-control.
But I've offered a second choices where I will control somethings about the outcome.
She's not going to like that as well.
Because if I clean her room, she might have a hard time finding her stuff in the future.
Because I'm going to clean it up very well, right?
Or she might not like the way I put things away.
Because she's used to finding things in a certain place.
You get where I'm going with this.
So, "Sweetie, you can clean your room by yourself, on your own, by 6 o'clock to my satisfaction
or I'd be happy to clean it for you, either way is okay with me."
Now, I'm out as a parent.
She gets to think about, "Wait a minute, do I want to take this control myself or am I
going to wait for Dad to take the control for me", which leads her much less control
less favorable outcomes.
In this way, our kids learn that taking a higher level of self-control actually results
in much more favorable outcomes for them.
And this is the training that helps them to apply that in all aspects of life.
Not just cleaning their room.
Hey, if you're liking what you hear, my wife and I have collaborated to put together a
course just for you.
It's an audio course that covers this and whole bunch of other topics that will really
interest you as a parent.
Check it out in the description below.