LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
YOU'RE VERY NICE.
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW"."
WELL, I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'RE PAYING ATTENTION, BUT INTERNAL
STRIFE IS TEARING THE REPUBLICAN PARTY APART AT THE SEAMS.
IT'S LIKE A NEW CIVIL WAR, ONLY NEITHER SIDE IS TRYING TO HELP
BLACK PEOPLE.
( LAUGHTER ) THE LATEST SHOTS FROM FORT
TRUMPTER ARE AGAINST TENNESSEE SENATOR AND MAN SEEING HIS
DAUGHTER'S NECK TATTOO FOR THE FIRST TIME, BOB CORKER.
CORKER AND TRUMP HAVE BEEN FIGHTING, HEAD TO HEAD LIKE TWO
RAMS, FOR A WHILE NOW.
YOU MIGHT RECALL THAT CORKER CALLED THE WHITE HOUSE "AN ADULT
DAY CARE CENTER."
OKAY, CLEVER.
NOT ENTIRELY ACCURATE.
WITH TRUMP, YOU ALSO NEED A NIGHT SHIFT.
( LAUGHTER ) ALL RIGHT.
( APPLAUSE ) GETS INTO THINGS.
HE'S LIKE A RACCOON!
I DON'T KNOW IF RACCOONS DO THAT, BUT I'M GOING TO DO THAT.
SO, I FIGURED IT WAS TIME TO GIVE THEM THEIR OWN SEGMENT,
ON THIS SHOW, WHEN I WANTED TO CALL, "CORK A SOCK IN IT."
BUT I HAVE A TEAM OF TALENTED COMEDY WRITERS, AND I KNEW WE
COULD DO BETTER THAN THAT.
SO WE ALL GATHERED IN A ROOM, PUT ON A POT OF COFFEE, AND
BRAINSTORMED FOR HOURS.
AND NOW, "LATE SHOW" VIEWERS, I PRESENT TO YOU OUR NEWEST
SEGMENT...
"CORK A SOCK IN IT!" ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
TURNS OUT I GET TO DO WHATEVER I WANT.
IT'S MY SHOW.
THE LATEST FEUD BETWEEN THESE TWO STARTED BRIGHT AND EARLY
TODAY WHEN CORKER WENT ON ALL THE MORNING SHOWS TO CRITICIZE
DONALD TRUMP, AND TRUMP WAS WATCHING, BECAUSE HE IMMEDIATELY
TWEETED: "BOB CORKER, WHO HELPED
PRESIDENT O GIVE US THE BAD IRAN DEAL & COULDN'T GET ELECTED DOG
CATCHER IN TENNESSEE, IS NOW FIGHTING TAX CUTS, DOT, DOT,
DOT, DOT."
"DOT, DOT, DOT, CORKER DROPPED OUT OF THE RACE IN TENNESS WHEN
I REFUSED TO ENDORSE HIM, AND NOW IS ONLY NEGATIVE ON ANYTHING
TRUMP.
LOOK AT HIS RECORD!" ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) REALLY?
REALLY?
"TENNESS?" ( LAUGHTER )
QUICK TIP: WHEN YOU'RE RIPPING A POLITICIAN IT HELPS TO SPELL THE
NAME OF THEIR STATE RIGHT.
"I DON'T LIKE JOE 'HAUNTED' MANCHIN.
HE WILL NEVER GET RE-ELECTED BY THE GOOD PEOPLE OF WEST VAGINA."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
DOESN'T HAVE THE SAME RING.
IT'S NOT GOING TO HELP.
>> Jon: YOU HAVE TO SPELL IT RIGHT!
>> Stephen: ♪ ALMOST HEAVEN
WEST VAGINA ♪ THAT'S REALLY HARD TO SING.
2 WOULD HAVE BEEN A HIT THOUGH.
I BET THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN A HIT.
WE MISS YOU.
NOW, SOME OF WHAT TRUMP SAID ABOUT CORKER WAS NOT TRUE.
SPECIFICALLY, ALL OF IT.
AND CORKER POINTED THAT OUT: "SAME UNTRUTHS FROM AN UTTERLY
UNTRUTHFUL PRESIDENT.
#ALERTTHEDAYCARESTAFF."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Jon: WOW!
>> Stephen: YEAH.
THEN TRUMP IMMEDIATELY TWEETED BACK, "ISN'T IT SAD THAT
LIGHTWEIGHT SENATOR BOB CORKER, WHO COULDN'T GET RE-ELECTED IN
THE GREAT STATE OF TENNESSEE, WILL NOW FIGHT TAX CUTS PLUS."
WHAT IS "TAX CUTS PLUS?" THAT SOUNDS LIKE TAX CUTS FOR
HUSKY BOYS.
HE'LL GROW INTO IT.
TRUMP TWEET-TINUED, "SENATOR CORKER IS THE INCOMPETENT HEAD
OF THE FOREIGN RELATIONS COMMITTEE, AND LOOK HOW POORLY
THE U.S. HAS DONE.
HE DOESN'T HAVE A CLUE AS DOT, DOT, DOT, DOT, DOT," "DOT, DOT,
DOT, THE ENTIRE WORLD WAS LAUGHING AND TAKING ADVANTAGE OF
US.
PEOPLE LIKE LIDDLE' BOB CORKER HAVE SET THE U.S. WAY BACK.
NOW WE MOVE FORWARD!" YES, NOW AMERICA IS MOVING
FORWARD, JUST LIKE THELMA AND LOUISE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) YEAH!
JUST HOLDING HANDS, JUST HOLDING HANDS.
AND, JIM, CAN I SEE PART OF THAT TWEET AGAIN.
L-I-D-D-L-E AND THEN AN APOSTROPHE?
THAT'S NOT HOW APOSTROPHES WORK.
SOMETHING'S GOT TO BE MISSING, OTHER THAN BRAIN CELLS.
IN FACT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) YOU CAN'T USE APOST FEES LIKE--
HERE'S MY GUESS-- MY GUESS IS THE PRESIDENT THINKS APOST FEES
IS A GREAT LAKES PHILOSOPHER.
I LOVE THE WORKS OF APOST FEES.
HE'S BETTER THAN PARENTHESIS.
I LOVE PLAY-DOH.
AND A SIDE OF TZATZIKI.
ABSOLUTELY."
NOW, TRUMP CAME OVER FOR A LUNCH TODAY-- HE WENT OVER THE SENATE
TODAY.
HE WENT OVER TO THE SENATE TODAY.
BUT CORKER DIDN'T THINK MUCH WOULD GET DONE.
>> I DO LOOK AT THESE THINGS AS MORE OF A, YOU KNOW, PHOTO OP.
THEY'RE NOT REALLY ABOUT SUBSTANCE.
BUT, YOU KNOW, MORE POWER TO HIM.
>> Stephen: NO, LESS POWER!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) YOU ALREADY MADE HIM THE MOST
POWERFUL MAN IN THE WORLD BECAUSE YOU HELPED GET HIM
ELECTED!
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT, CORKER, EVEN THOUGH HE CAMPAIGNED FOR TRUMP.
HE MIGHT-- HE MIGHT REGRET SUPPORTING TRUMP.
LET'S FIND OUT.
>> DO YOU REGRET SUPPORTING HIM IN THE ELECTION?
>> LET'S JUST PUT IT THIS WAY: I WOULD NOT DO THAT AGAIN.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: HE WOULD NOT DO IT
AGAIN.
"LET'S JUST PUT IT THIS WAY--" TOO LATE, SENATOR.
AND CORKER'S NOT ALONE.
THIS AFTERNOON WE GOT SOME HUGE NEWS FROM ONE-TERM ARIZONA
SENATOR AND UPRIGHT GOLDEN RETRIEVER, JEFF FLAKE.
>> I AM ANNOUNCING TODAY THAT MY SERVICE IN THE SENATE WILL
CONCLUDE AT THE END OF MY TERM IN EARLY JANUARY 2019.
MR. PRESIDENT, I RISE TODAY TO SAY ENOUGH.
I MUST SAY THAT WE HAVE FOOLED OURSELVES FOR LONG ENOUGH THAT A
PIVOT TO GOVERNING IT RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER.
A RETURN TO CIVILITY AND STABILITY RIGHT BEHIND IT.
WE KNOW BETTER THAN THAT.
MR. PRESIDENT, I WILL NOT BE COMPLICIT OR SILENT.
>> Stephen: NO, I WILL BE COMPLICIT AND ABSENT.
NOW, FLAKE HAS BEEN AN OUTSPOKEN CRITIC OF THE PRESIDENT FOR A
WHILE, BUT TODAY HE REALLY UNLOADED.
>> DESPOTISM LOVES A VACUUM, AND OUR ALLIES ARE NOW LOOKING
ELSEWHERE FOR LEADERSHIP.
ANGER AND RESENTMENT ARE NOT GOVERNING PHILOSOPHY.
ALLIANCES ARE ROUTINELY THREATENED BY THE LEVEL OF
THOUGHT THAT GOES INTO 140 CHARACTERS.
>> Stephen: NOW, HOLD ON.
YOU'RE ACTING LIKE ALL DONALD TRUMP DOES IS GO ON TWITTER TO
THREATEN GLOBAL STABILITY.
HE ALSO THREATENS FOOTBALL PLAYERS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) YES, I WILL STAND UP FOR THIS.
FLAKE SAID THAT WE DON'T JUST OWE IT TO OURSELVES TO OPPOSE
TRUMP.
WE ALSO OWE IT TO OUR CHILDREN.
>> IT IS OFTEN SAID THAT CHILDREN ARE WATCHING.
WELL, THEY ARE.
AND WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO ABOUT THAT?
WHEN THE NEXT GENERATION ASKS US, "WHY DIDN'T YOU DO
SOMETHING?
WHY DIDN'T YOU SPEAK UP?" WHAT ARE WE GOING TO SAY?
>> Stephen: WELL, I THINK IN THE FUTURE, JEFF FLAKE WILL SAY,
"I WAITED UNTIL I WAS QUITTING MY JOB TO POINT OUT THE BOSS WAS
A LUNATIC.
NOW, SIT DOWN AND EAT YOUR RADIOACTIVE DOG MEAT."
THEY'RE LISTENING.
THEY'RE LISTENING!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) BUT SENATOR FLAKE SEES A LIGHT
AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL, NOT JUST FOR HIM, BUT FOR ALL OF US.
>> THIS SPELL WILL EVENTUALLY BREAK.
THAT IS MY BELIEF.
WE WILL RETURN TO OURSELVES ONCE MORE, AND I SAY, THE SOONER THE
BETTER.
>> Stephen: OH, THAT'S WHAT THIS IS.
WE'RE ALL UNDER A SPELL.
IT'S ALL DETAILED IN THE NEW BOOK, "HARRY POTTER AND THE
HALF-WIT PREZ."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) BUT-- ERKS PEL-O TRUMP-UM.
FIRST McCAIN, THEN CORKER, NOW FLAKE.
WHY IS IT THAT REPUBLICANS ONLY SPEAK UP AGAINST DONALD TRUMP
WHEN THEY KNOW THEY'RE NOT RUNNING FOR RE-ELECTION?
THEY FINALLY GROW A SET, AND THEN THEY SAY, "I'M TAKING MY
BALLS AND GOING HOME!" AND...
( BOOM ) BETTER.