[ "Here's to the Chief" plays ]
-This is the story of how I, Donald J. Trump,
became the most perfect president
in the history of the United States,
even if the Democrats,
Never Trumpers, fake news,
and Constitution say otherwise.
It all started with my perfect inauguration,
with the biggest crowds ever recorded.
Just ask the crowd scientists.
-That's not exactly what we said.
-They gave the whole day a perfect 10,
which is also what I scored on my stable genius test.
-Can you find the lion?
-There! I found the lion.
-Perfect!
-Did I mention my perfect campaign promises?
Like building a big, beautiful wall
or starting a travel ban that keeps out immigrants
that aren't hot enough to marry. [ Camera shutter clicking ]
-Be best and hot.
-Unfortunately, the terrible midterms happened
and a bunch of very unattractive traitors
got elected to stop me.
-We don't want America to be great!
-Sad!
But joke's on them because I appointed
two Supreme Court justices who promised to find
everything I did perfect. -[ Slurring ] Cheers
to a perfect president.
[ Belch ] -And then, I started
a perfect trade war with China.
-Actually... -Which our farmers totally loved
after I explained it to them.
-Never mind!
-And I would end every perfect day
destroying my haters on Twitter.
-Breaking -- the president attacks a senator on Twitter
who died yesterday.
-So? That just means I get the last laugh. Perfect.
Everything was going great,
until some traitor in the White House spied
on my perfect phone call to the president of Ukraine
and said it was less than perfect,
just because I gossiped about Joe Biden.
That's when Nasty Nancy Pelosi
and Shifty Adam Schiff went on a total witch hunt.
-We're going to impeach you because we're jealous.
-And the trial will be very long,
and boring, with low ratings.
-But, luckily, the Senate acquitted me
because they actually read my perfect transcript
and also because I am innocent.
-Mr. President, you are hereby perfect again.
-So, now, I, alone, can get back to fixing America,
whether it be getting rid of low-energy toilets...
[ Flushing repeatedly ]
...or curing coronavirus with lots of medical.
You're welcome. -[ Coughing ]
-So, reelect me, America,
because I'm the perfect American president.
Or don't! I'll be getting help from WikiLeaks and Russia
without your dumb vote, anyway.
No collusion.
[ "Here's to the Chief" plays ]