THERE WE GO.
PUT THESE ON.
HEY, I CAN SEE EVERYTHING NOW!
WELCOME BACK, FOLKS.
MY NEXT GUEST IS A VERY FUNNY COMEDIAN YOU KNOW FROM "WET HOT
AMERICAN SUMMER" AND AMY SCHUMER.
PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO THE SHOW, MICHAEL IAN BLACK.
♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: GOOD TO SEE YOU AGAIN.
>> HI, THERE.
>> Stephen: GOOD TO SEE YOU AGAIN.
>> GOOD TO SEE YOU.
>> Stephen: I LIKE THE ENTIRE THING YOU'VE GOT GOING ON.
THE LIKE THE DARK ON DARK WENT MUSTACHE.
>> YEAH, I'M NOT CRAZY ABOUT THE MUSTACHE, MYSELF.
>> Stephen: ARE YOU DOING IT FOR A PART?
>> FOR A TV SHOW, YEAH.
I FEEL LIKE I LOO LOOK LIKE A BACKGROUND COP.
THE GUY IN THE BACKGROUND WAITING FOR THE REAL COPS TO GO
THEIR JOBS.
>> Stephen: YOU LOOK LIKE A BACKGROUND COP IN A FRENCH
DETECTIVE MOVIE.
YOU'RE TOO SUAVE LOOKING.
>> I'M NOT NORMALLY DRESSED UP.
I FEEL LIKE I'M A SINGLE DAD WITH AN IX WIFE WHO HAS THE KIDS
FOR THE WEEKEND.
>> Stephen: SO YOU DRESSED UP?
>> FOR THIS, ABSOLUTELY, I DO.
>> Stephen: THE SINGLE DAD DRESSED UP WHEN HIS WIFE LEAVES
TOWN.
>> NO IN MY SCENARIO, THE GUY GOES OUT IN HIS JEANS AND
HOODIE.
>> Stephen: WHAT'S YOUR GO-TO TO, APPLEBEE'S.
>> JUST A BURGER.
>> Stephen: I GO TO THE JACK DANIEL'S WINGS.
>> YOU'RE A LUSH GLI TAKE IT ANY WAY I CAN GET IT.
LAST TIME YOU WERE HERE YOU TALKED ABOUT A BOOK YOU HAD
WRITTEN CALLED "A CHILD'S FIRST BOOK OF TRUMP."
>> THAT'S RIGHT.
>> Stephen: THAT WAS EXPLAINING DONALD TRUMP TO
CHILDREN, LIKE IF YOU YOU ENCOUNTERED A TRUMP IN THE WILD.
>> RIGHT, IT WAS KIND OF-- ( LAUGHTER )
THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT IT IS.
IT'S A LITTLE BIT-- IT'S A LITTLE BIT LIKE "GOOSEBUMPS" FOR
KIDS.
IT'S A HORROR STORY.
>> Stephen: EXACTLY, AND IT SOLD WELL, I UNDERSTAND.
>> IT DID.
>> Stephen: PEOPLE REALLY LIKED IT.
NOW THAT HE IS PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES, CAN YOU EXPLAIN
DONALD TRUMP TO ADULTS?
( LAUGHTER ) BECAUSE WE'RE AS CONFUSED AS
CHILDREN.
>> PEOPLE ARE ASKING ME, "MICHAEL, YOU'RE A GENIUS.
HOW DID WE GET-- ( LAUGHTER )
TO THIS PLACE IN OUR CULTURE?" AND I CAN EXPLAIN IT WITH A
STORY.
THANK YOU.
( LAUGHTER ) ABOUT TWO YEARS AGO, STEPHEN,
IT'S LUNCHTIME.
AND I DECIDE TO TAKE MY SON TO SUBWAY SANDWICHES.
>> Stephen: I'M FAMILIAR WITH SUBWAY SANDWICHES.
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: I KNOW THAT CHAIN SUBWAY SANDWICHES.
>> THAT'S THE ONE, SUBWAY SANDWICH S.
>> Stephen: HOW OLD IS YOUR SON IN THIS SCENARIO?
>> HE'S 13 OR 14.
>> Stephen: 13 YEARS OLD.
>> I DECIDE TO GO TO SUBWAY BECAUSE WE BOTH LIKE SUBWAY AND
WE HAVE NOTHING ELSE IN COMMON.
>> Stephen: OKAY, THIS IS HOW YOU BOND.
>> RIGHT.
WE GO TO SUBWAY AND WE EACH HAD OUR REGULAR ORDER.
HE LIKES THE "IITALIAN" B.M.T.
>> Stephen: B.M.T.
>> THAT'S A SANDWICH LOADED WITH DELI MEETS MAETS, NONE OF
WHIEWMS OF WHOSE NAMES BEGIN WITH B., M., T.
AND I LIKE THE SIX-INCH CHICKEN BREAST AND THAT'S A CLASSY
ORDER.
AND I CAN TELL.
THE WOMAN WHO TAKES THE ORDER -- >> Stephen: IT'S A CLASSY
ORDER?
>> AND I KNOW SHE THINKS SO BECAUSE WHEN I ORDER SHE LOOKS
AT ME LIKE THIS...
( LAUGHTER ).
>> Stephen: OKAY, OKAY.
>> SO SHE GOES, "WOULD YOU LIKE CHEESE?"
I SAY, "NO CHOOSE."
>> Stephen: NO CHEESE.
>> AND NOW FOR THE FIRST TIME OUR EYES MEET.
AND I KNOW WHAT SHE'S THINKING.
"A-HA, THIS ONE IS DIFFERENT."
AND SHE'S RIGHT.
I AM.
I AM A CONNOISSEUR OF SUBWAY, SO I CAN DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE
REGULAR SUBWAY SANDWICH MAKE EXPERT SUBWAY SANDWICH ARTIST.
( LAUGHTER ).
>> Stephen: THAT'S WHAT THEY CALL THEIR EMPLOYEES.
>> THAT'S WHAT THEY CALL THEM.
BUT SO FEW OF THEM EARN THAT TITLE, UNLESS YOU'RE TALKING
ABOUT THE ART OF ABSTRACT EXPRESSIONISM WHEN THEY FLING
VEGETABLES WILLY-NILLY ACROSS-- THAT'S NOT THE ART I'M TALKING
ABOUT.
>> Stephen: YOU DON'T WANT A DA-DA SANDWICH.
>> NO, YOU DO NOT.
THE ART I'M TALKING ABOUT, STEPHEN, IS THE ART OF THE
BALLET.
IT'S A DANCE, A HAND DANCE.
>> Stephen: JUST REAL QUICK.
WE'RE GETTING TO TRUMP SOMEWHERE IN HERE, RIGHT?
>> DO YOU TRUST ME?
( LAUGHTER ) SHE IS A PERFECT MAKER OF
SANDWICHES.
SHE MAKES-- HE PUTS ALL THE VEGETABLES ON.
SHE ASKS IF I WANT JALAPENOS, AND I DO WANT JALAPENOS.
AND THEN AT THE END, SHE SAYS, "WHAT KIND OF DRESSING?"
I SAY, "MUSTARD."
SHE PUTS THE MUSTARD ON.
I SAY, "A LITTLE BIT MORE MUSTARD, PLEASE."
SHE PUTS A LITTLE BIT MORE MUSTARD ON.
SHE BAGS THE SANDWICHES.
WE TAKE THEM HOME.
MY SON'S SANDWICH, STEPHEN, IS PERFECT, IT'S A PERFECT
SANDWICH.
MINE, HOWEVER, THERE IS SOMETHING AMISS.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT IS?
>> Stephen: NO CHEESE.
>> YOU RAY FOOL!
STEPHEN, ON MY SANDWICH, THERE IS A LITTLE TOO MUCH MUSTARD.
DO YOU UNDERSTAND?
>> Stephen: NO.
( LAUGHTER ).
>> SOMEHOW IN MY ARROGANCE, IN MY HUBRIS, I HAD DECIDED THAT I
KNEW BETTER THAN THIS SUBWAY SANDWICH ARTIST HOW MUCH
DRESSING A SUBWAY SANDWICH SHOULD HAVE.
WHY DID I DO THAT?
WAS IT SEXISM?
PERHAPS.
( LAUGHTER ) WAS IT-- WAS IT SUBCONSCIOUS
RACISM?
YOU BET IT WAS.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: WHAT RACE--
>> TWO YEARS LATER, STEPHEN!
TWO YEARS LATER, DONALD TRUMP IS ELECTED PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED
STATES.
( LAUGHTER ) BECAUSE JERKS LIKE ME THINK THEY
KNOW HOW TO DO EVERYTHING BETTER THAN THE PROFESSIONALS WHO DO IT
FOR A LIVING!
AND THAT'S HOW WE GOT WHERE WE ARE TODAY!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: THANK YOU.
>> YOU'RE WELCOME.
>> Stephen: THANK YOU.
WOW.
YOU SHOULD WRITE A BOOK.
( LAUGHTER ) YOU HAVE A-- YOU HAVE A-- A
PETITION.
>> I DO HAVE A PETITION.
>> Stephen: AT THE WHITE HOUSE RIGHT NOW.
>> THAT'S RIGHT.
>> Stephen: ON THE WHITE HOUSE WEBSITE YOU CAN PUT A PETITION
IN.
>> YES.
>> Stephen: AND IT'S GOT A LOT OF SIGNATURES, RIGHT?
HOW MANY DOES IT NEED?
>> 100,000.
>> Stephen: HOW MANY DOES IT HAVE?
>> ZERO AS FAR AS I CAN TELL BECAUSE THE WHITE HOUSE WASN'T
TABULATING SIGNATURES FOR THE LONGEST OF TIME.
YOU WOULD PUT A PETITION ON THE WHITE HOUSE WEBSITE, AND NO
MATTER HOW MANY PEOPLE CLICKED ON IT, IT WOULDN'T TABULATE THE
SIGNATURE S.
>> Stephen: IS THIS THE TRUMP PEOPLE DOING THIS?
>> I DON'T KNOW WHO IT WAS.
WAS IT THE RUSSIANS?
PERHAPS.
WHO CAN SAY.
>> Stephen: WHAT'S YOUR PETITION?
>> I'LL GIVE YOU THE-- I WANT TO GET IT EXACTLY RIGHT.
IT WAS "TO EXPLAIN TO THE AMERICAN PEOPLE WHY PRESIDENT
DONALD J. TRUMP IS SUCH A NEEDY LITTLE BITCH."
THAT WAS THE NAME OF THE PETITION.
♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: THEY CAN JUST GO
AND SIGN UP?
>> THEY CAN GO AND SIGN IN.
>> Stephen: MICHAEL IAN BLACK, LOVELY TO SEE YOU.
MICHAEL IAN BLACK HAS A SHOW ON iTUNES.
"HOW TO BE AMAZING WITH MICHAEL IAN BLACK" IS AVAILABLE ON
iTUNES AND AUDIBLE.
MICHAEL IAN BLACK, EVERYBODY.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH CAT EXPERT, JACKSON GALAXY.