CHRISTINA RICCI, HAVE YOU
WATCHED HER SHOW, YELLOWJACKETS? A SHOW ABOUT A GIRLS' SOCCER
TEAM STRANDED IN THE WILDERNESS AFTER THEIR PLANE CRASHES.
REGGIE, HOW DO YOU THINK YOU'D DO IN A SITUATION LIKE THAT?
DO YOU THINK YOU'D DO WELL? >> Reggie: YES.
>> James: WHY? >> Reggie: I WOULD ASSESS THE
HEALTH OF EVERYBODY AND TAKE INVENTORY OVERALL THE OBJECTS
AND THINGS STREWN ABOUT IN THE CRASH AND FORMULATE A SCHEDULED
TIERED PLAN IN ORDER TO ASSURE SURVIVAL.
>> James: BE HONEST. YEAH.
>> James: LET'S SEJAR ED, LET'S PICK JARED IS SEVERELY
INJURED. >> OKAY.
>> James: IN THE CRASH. RIGHT.
CLASSIC JARED. >> James: HE'S LOST A LOT OF
BLOOD, RIGHT? >> Reggie: YEAH.
>> James: DOES YOUR BRAIN GO WHERE MINE GOES?
WHICH IS WE'RE ALL GOING TO HAVE TO EAT SOMEONE.
WE'VE GOT THE FIRE GOING, JARED'S LIKE, JUST LEAVE HIM.
I'M, LIKE, WE'LL JUST GET IT NOW.
( LAUGHTER ) THE WALKING DEAD, THEY EAT
PEOPLE ON THAT, RIGHT? NO ONE EVER STARTS WITH A
( BLEEP ). THAT IS THE FIRST THING I'M
EATING. 100%.
I NEVER UNDERSTAND IT. FOR ME, FOR ME, THAT IS
ABSOLUTELY THE EASIEST PART OF THE BODY TO SEVER AND EAT.
( LAUGHTER ) AND I'M IGNORING THE FACE, DUDE,
THERE'S NO FLESH AND PROTEIN THERE.
( LAUGHTER ) ROB JUST PUT HIS FACE MASK OVER
HIS EYES. IS THIS A PROBLEM?
LET'S TALK ABOUT THIS ON CBS. >> I DON'T KNOW IF YOU SHOULD
TALK ABOUT IT. >> James: AND THEN I'M GOING
TO CHEEKS, BUM CHEEKS. >> YOU START CHEEKS.
>> James: START CHEEKS? YEAH.
BECAUSE THAT'S STRINGY MEAT. >> James: AMAZINGLY, THIS IS
THE SHOW. I'M AS SHOCKED AS YOU ARE.
THAT'S GOOD. IT'S TIME FOR THE NEWS!
IT WAS ANNOUNCED TODAY THAT THE BIDEN ADMINISTRATION IS FORMALLY
WITHDRAWING ITS VACCINE MANDATE FOR LARGE BUSINESSES, EFFECTIVE
TOMORROW. THIS COMES AFTER THE SUPREME
COURT ALREADY SHOT DOWN THE MANDATE EARLIER THIS MONTH.
OH, MAN, I WAS REALLY HOPING BIDEN WOULD APPEAL TO THE
EVEN-SUPREMER COURT. ( LAUGHTER )
THEY GOT THAT IN AMERICA? I UNDERSTAND THIS IS LIKE ME
ANNOUNCING TODAY THAT, AFTER CAREFUL
CONSIDERATION, I'VE DECIDED TO WITHDRAW MY INTENTION TO BE CAST
FOR ENGLAND IN THE LAST WORLD CUP.
IT'S VERY COMPLICATED. THE BIDEN ADMINISTRATION
ATTEMPTED TO INVOKE THE 'NO TAKESIE BACKSIES CLAUSE,' BUT
WAS ULTIMATELY DEFEATED BY THE SUPREME COURT'S 'NO CUTS, NO
BUTTS, NO COCONUTS' PRECEDENT. IN OTHER NEWS, PFIZER ANNOUNCED
TODAY THAT IT HAS BEGUN TESTING AN OMICRON-SPECIFIC VACCINE.
LOOK AT THAT, NOW EVEN OUR BOOSTERS ARE GETTING BOOSTERS.
VACCINES ARE BECOMING LIKE IPHONES.
JUST WHEN YOU THINK YOU'VE GOT THE LATEST ONE, THEY DROP A NEW
VERSION THAT EVERYBODY SUDDENLY WANTS.
THESE ARE STRANGE DAYS. WE'RE LIVING IN A TIME WHERE A
NEW LIFESAVING VACCINE CAN BE DEVELOPED IN, LIKE, FIVE WEEKS -
BUT IT TAKES FIFTEEN MONTHS TO GET A NEW DISHWASHER DELIVERED
TO YOUR HOUSE. MOVING ON, LONDON POLICE
ANNOUNCED TODAY THAT THEY ARE INVESTIGATING PARTIES HELD BY
PRIME MINISTER BORIS JOHNSON THAT MAY HAVE VIOLATED
CORONAVIRUS LOCKDOWN LAWS. JOHNSON ALLEGEDLY THREW PARTIES
FOR HIMSELF IN 2020, WHEN PEOPLE WERE NOT ALLOWED TO GATHER
INDOORS. BEFORE YOU GET TOO ANGRY ABOUT
THE PARTY, I PROMISE YOU THIS, NOBODY THERE HAD A GOOD TIME.
( LAUGHTER ) HOW DO YOU EVEN INVESTIGATE
WHETHER SOMEONE HAD A PARTY IN MID-2020?
ARE YOU LIKE WERE YOU OR WERE YOU NOT AT
PARTY CITY BUYING BALLOONS 600 DAYS AGO?
( LAUGHTER ) TO BE FAIR, BORIS JOHNSON
BROUGHT THIS ON HIMSELF. YOU'RE GOING TO BE INVESTIGATED
FOR THROWING PARTIES IF YOU CONSTANTLY LOOK LIKE YOU JUST
DID A KEG STAND. ( LAUGHTER )
IAN, WHAT DO YOU THINK GOES DOWN AT A BORIS JOHNSON PARTY?
>> PROBABLY LIKE A LOT OF PEOPLE LAUGHING, YOU KNOW, LIKE, HA HA
HA HA HA HA! >> James: LIKE AN AFTERNOON AT
LOUIE'S IN LONDON. >> YEAH.
>> James: LOUIE, WHAT DO YOU THINK A BORIS JOHNSON PARTY
WOULD FEEL LIKE? >> I THINK IT WOULD BE AWESOME.
>> James: WHY? I DON'T KNOW.
IT'S THE FIRST THING THAT CAME TO MY MIND.
I THINK IT WOULD BE REALLY BORING.
>> I AGREE. ALTHOUGH I SAY THERE'S A FRIEND
OF MINE WENT TO -- >> ALTHOUGH I DO THINK --
( LAUGHTER ) DOESN'T MATTER.
ALTHOUGH I DO THINK -- I'M GOING TO CARRY ON.
>> James: WHAT -- AND I'M GOING TO CARRY ON.
( LAUGHTER ) I DO THINK THERE WOULD BE SOME
QUALITY CHEESE AND THAT'S IT. YOU CAN CARRY ON.
>> James: THANK GOD YOU CARRIED ON.
THANK GOD WE WENT BACK TO HEAR SOMETHING WHICH WE'LL ALMOST
CERTAINLY BE CUT FROM THE SHOW. >> WELL, I MEAN, IS WHAT YOU
WERE GOING TO SAY THAT GREAT? >> James: IT WAS BETTER THAN
YOUR CHEESE. >> WHAT WAS IT?
>> James: IT WAS BETTER THAN YOUR CHEESE THING.
>> I DON'T BELIEVE YOU. ( LAUGHTER )
>> James: HERE'S AN INTERESTING STORY.
ACCORDING TO NEW RESEARCH, MORE THAN HALF OF AMERICANS ALREADY
HAVE A RESIGNATION LETTER DRAFTED AND SAVED FOR WHEN THEY
HIT THEIR BREAKING POINT AT WORK.
THE OTHER HALF PLAN TO QUIT BY TELLING THEIR BOSS TO GO
( BLEEP ) THEMSELVES IN PERSO. ( APPLAUSE )
59% OF AMERICANS HAVE A LETTER READY TO GO.
59%, EXCEPT FOR A FEW ARE, LIKE, OH, MY GOD DID I JUST PRESS
SEND? OH, MY GOD!
SAVING RESIGNATION LETTERS WHEN THEY HIT BREAKING POINT AT WORK.
WHITNEY, DON'T EVEN BOTHER, I CAN SEE IT IN YOUR FACE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
HAS EVERYBODY HEARD ABOUT THIS? TWO FANS OF THE ACTOR ANA DE
ARMAS ARE SUING UNIVERSAL PICTURES FOR ALLEGEDLY
MISLEADING THEM INTO SPENDING $3.99 A PIECE TO RENT THE 2019
MOVIE, YESTERDAY. APPARENTLY, DE ARMAS APPEARED IN
THE TRAILER, BUT WAS NOT INCLUDED IN THE FINAL CUT.
WELL, YOU HAVE TO ADMIT UNIVERSAL'S BRILLIANTLY EVIL
PLAN TO MAKE AN ADDITIONAL SEVEN DOLLARS AND NINETY -EIGHT CENTS
WORKED LIKE A CHARM. AND NOW, THEY'VE FILED ANOTHER
LAWSUIT. THEY CLAIM VIN DIESEL'S
CHARACTER DOMINIC IS FAST, BUT NOWHERE NEAR FURIOUS.
THIS ISN'T THE ONLY TIME A STUDIO HAS USED ANA DE ARMAS TO
PROMOTE A FILM SHE'S NOT EVEN IN AND SOMETIMES IT'S BEEN REALLY
OBVIOUS: ( LAUGHTER )
LOOK, WE TO IT EVERY DAY. IT'S THE BEST WE'VE GOT.
GIVE ME A BREAK. AND FINALLY, WE WANTED TO SHOW
YOU THIS. THE RETAILER, DOLLS KILL, IS
SELLING A NEW PAIR OF $115 SNEAKERS THAT LOOK LIKE, WELL,
IT'S PRETTY OBVIOUS, TAKE A LOOK:
LOOK AT THAT. ( LAUGHTER )
THEY'RE NOT SNEAKERS, SNACKERS. HIT MY, GUILLERMO!
( RIM SHOT ) $115.
A LOT OF BREAD. HIT ME, GUILLERMO!
( RIM SHOT ) THE SANDWICH SNEAKERS ARE
ALREADY AVAILABLE FOR PURCHASE, BUT PERSONALLY, I'M WAITING FOR
KANYE TO DROP THE 36 MONTH, DRY-AGED, CHEEZYS.
AND THAT'S THE NEWS WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE