- How do I look?
- Like you stepped out of a painting
of hookers. (audience laughing)
- I have a major announcement.
My sister Bess just told me
Canoga Falls is naming the town square after me.
- That's great.
- Did Canoga Falls lose a bet or something?
(audience laughing)
- Are you a Star Trek fan?
- I've actually never seen a Star Trek movie.
- Well, we're gonna change that tonight.
I'm going to boldly go
where no man has gone before.
(audience laughing)
- Unlikely. (audience laughing)
- Oh boy, if this furniture could talk, huh?
- It would be a welcome relief.
(audience laughing)
- Now all over show business,
Victoria Chase is known as a difficult actress.
- To watch? (audience laughing)
- I dreamed that he'd ask me to prom.
I knew he would see past my acne
and back brace and lazy boob.
(audience laughing)
- Lazy boob?
- One boob was slower to grow.
(audience laughing)
- Joy has two of those. (audience laughing)
- We need investors for my first production.
In the theater, we call them angels.
- In real life, they call them suckers.
(audience laughing)
- It says here it takes an average
of 22 months for a woman over 40 to get pregnant.
- Is that counting the 18 months it'll take you
to find somebody willing to go there?
(audience laughing)
- [Women] Movie.
(audience laughing)
Three words.
- Is it "The Lion King"?
- Yes!
(audience laughing)
- Is it "The Lion King"?
(audience laughing)
- Imitation is the highest form of flattery.
- Not in this case.
(audience laughing)
- Yay, happy family!
Let's have tiny cake. (audience laughing)
- Ooh, what flavor is it?
- Okay, the flavor is Far Out Vanilla.
Oh my god, look at this.
Best before 1986. (audience laughing)
- So were you. (audience laughing)
- I call to order the first meeting of Project Oscar.
Now the Academy Award ballots
are being mailed out this weekend.
I am determined to be nominated.
So, first order of business.
- Get a time machine and give a better performance?
(audience laughing)
- Why did every bird in that bloody show
pick me to crap one? (audience laughing)
- I don't think we should question
the wisdom of the animals. (audience laughing)
- Craig Olsen at the senior center is turning 100.
Elk and I are doing a roast. (audience laughing)
- A roast?
- With that age, are you sure it isn't a cremation?
(audience laughing)
So what do you have so far?
- I'm not saying Craig has an enlarged prostate,
but if you put a hat on it,
maybe he could drive in the carpool lane.
(audience laughing)
Boom! (audience laughing)
- I look at pictures of myself in my 20s
when I obsessed over every little flaw
and I just want to shake that girl
and tell her to relax and enjoy it.
- I look at pictures of me in my 70s and I think that.
(audience laughing)
- Well that gives me hope.
- It shouldn't, I started out prettier than you.
(audience laughing)
- Has anyone seen my car keys?
I'm running late for a manicurist appointment.
- Question.
Do they charge you extra for those big man hands?
(audience laughing)
- Well Reverend Laird said he's very pleased
with the way the work is going.
- Oh that old pulpit pounder doesn't know his ass
from a hole in the ground. (audience laughing)
- What I actually said was,
"Ask anyone, he's the holiest man around."
(audience laughing)
- Aha. (audience laughing)
- Well this date has to go perfectly
so I can live out my high school fantasy.
- Not graduating in a maternity dress?
(audience laughing)
- Seriously, Mother?
Little bastard?
- It's still better than Wilbur. (audience laughing)
- Have you two done anymore research
into your less interesting heritage?
- We contacted an historian who's an expert
on the area we're from in Poland.
Pretty sure he'll disprove our connection.
- But it's science.
- Toothbrush science. (audience laughing)
Who trusts a toothbrush?
- She's betting we can't even prove she used it.
(audience laughing)
- My agent says that doing a student film
is a brilliant move.
Buzzfeed is calling me hip and edgy.
- If your hips were any edgier,
they'd cut through your pants. (audience laughing)
- I wish I had that kind of confidence with men.
- Just copy everything she does.
- I don't think I could pull off that skirt.
(audience laughing)
- Many have. (audience laughing)
- Put on a show and see where
this old cow trail takes us.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- Okay, let me get my Stetson
and my cowboy dance belt.
(audience laughing)
- What the hell? (audience laughing)
- Well, if he starts acting,
then he'll start voting for the Oscars again.
- But actors are so self centered and obnoxious.
(audience laughing)
- You do realize that I'm an actor?
- The only one I know. (audience laughing)
- Hey everybody, our group birthday is coming up
and I know exactly who I want to be fixed up with.
I met a man this year who touched me deeply.
- That could be half of Cleveland.
(audience laughing)
- What's Irish and stays outside?
Patty O'Furniture. (crickets chirping)
(audience laughing)
Oh, that stupid cricket.
How come it only chirps when I tell a joke?
- Something's gotta fill the dead air.
(audience laughing)
- Now, I've saved the last for last.
(audience laughing)
Do I hear a quarter? (audience laughing)
- How did it go at the Latino Festival?
- Oh, great!
They're all gonna vote for me.
- Because you lied to them, like you lied to everyone.
She promised them she'd make Spanish
the official language of Cleveland.
(audience laughing)
- Campaign promises.
They're like Joy's dates.
They do the deed and then they disappear.
(audience laughing)
- Well this place makes me very nervous.
I mean, what if the cops come and bust us?
- We'll hide the stuff.
In our cleavage.
Oh, sorry Joy. (audience laughing)
- Hey guys, guess what?
I have a date with my gynecologist.
- They're called appointments, dear. (audience laughing)
- I needed cheering up.
Something kinda big happened today.
- What?
- She had sex with a stranger.
- How much did you pay him? (audience laughing)
- You know, when you go out with straight men,
you have to create the illusion
that you're not wearing any makeup.
But for a gay club, you can
just slap it on with a trowel. (audience laughing)
- They are gonna go crazy for us.
We are so not gonna get laid tonight.
(audience laughing)
(audience cheers)
- You three look ridiculous.
(audience laughing)
- Better get back out there
and make the biggest decision of my life.
- Joy, choose a good one.
You deserve it.
- Okay I'm waiting.
Where's the insult?
I've got no boobs, I'm old, I'm skanky.
- I'm saving those for your wedding toast.
(audience laughing)