- I will come to this segment first.
What would you like to hear a rap about?
- [Audience Member] Martians.
- Martians? Cool!
Yes, please.
You're so polite.
You look like you could work at SpaceX or something.
Where are you from?
- [Audience Member] Tucson.
- You're from Tucson?
Oh no, I meant, you know, okay that's fine.
I meant, work wise.
What is it about martians that intrigues you?
- [Audience Member] Mostly their antennae.
- Mostly their antennae?
I didn't even think about antennae, yeah!
If you picture a martian, do you guys
picturing antennae on their head?
No, he's thinking of caterpillars.
Okay, martian antennae.
I like that.
Guys over here, on this little wedge,
what do you want to hear a rap about?
- [Audience Member 2] Bratwurst!
- You're not on that side!
And it's also a food, so shut up!
I'm gonna not follow instructions
in many different ways, Chris!
Guys over here.
- [Audience Member 3] Dogs being left alone at home.
- Dogs being left alone at home, okay.
I mean, technically it violates the animals rule,
but then it's made more interesting.
Is that what you're worried about at the moment?
- [Audience Member 3] A little bit.
- Yeah, what's your dog called?
- [Audience Member 3] I've got two rottweilers.
- Okay, what's your favorite one called?
- [Audience Member 3] Rosé.
- That was very quick.
Rosé. What's the other one called,
Shit dog, or something like that?
So, Rosé the rottweiler.
That is such a lovely, delicate name
for such a vicious beast.
(audience laughs)
Rosé the rottweiler being left at home.
Martians and their antennae.
And people at the back of the room?
- [Audience Member 4] Hot box!
- What was that?
- [Audience Member 4] Hotbox.
- Hotbox.
Is that when you smoke a
marijuana cigarette in your vehicle?
(audience agrees)
Someone over there said no, but then someone
over here went, "Hell yeah."
I'm gonna assume that is what it means,
cause I think all of you could say no,
and I would still go with the man who said, "Hell yeah."
Hotbox is join right now.
We have hotbox, Rosé the rottweiler
being left at home, martian antennae.
Let's come to this side of this bit of the room.
One second, I'm gonna come to you guys in a moment.
I just feel like I should keep you waiting.
It's very funny for me, just have people going,
"Ooh, Ooh, please me, please me!"
Guys over here, what do you wanna rap about?
- [Audience Member 4] Urinary tract infections!
- Mmm.
(audience laughs)
You said that with a kind of jovial lilt,
which I feel that phrase has never been said in.
No one's every like, "Why you looking so miserable?"
I have a urinary tract infection!
It's okay, cool.
A urinary tract infection, otherwise known as a UTI, men.
We don't get them, cause we're
very fortunate with our genitalia.
Let's come to the people, you were really
making a gesture, and you're dressed magnificently.
No, it's really wonderful.
This is your real clothes, yes?
- [Audience Member 5] We want high tea.
- You're doing high tea?
Okay, cool.
That guy did a high tea, but in a different way over there.
Again, he said, "Hell yeah."
What would you like a suggestion about?
What would you like to suggest for the rap?
This is the final one, so it better be good.
- [Audience Member 5] High tea.
- Okay, cool.
I feel like it was improved by three people
saying it in different voices.
High tea.
For those of you that don't know,
a high tea is a British tradition,
where, at about 3:00 P.M., we'll settle down
with some scones, which are like biscuits, but not savory.
With a pot of tea and some little kind of things.
You make cucumber sandwiches, yeah, right?
Cause cucumber sandwiches, people ask,
"Why were they invented?"
It's because the British high class
wanted to show off that they could eat
food that had no nutritional value.
We're like, "Look how rich we are!
We don't even care that there's a famine.
We can still eat these. Nom nom nom."
Eating was like, conspicuous consumption.
I did an anthropology degree.
I'm very happy I got to use it right then.
My parents are like, "Use your degree!"
I'm like, "I did it, mum. It's great!"
The suggestions we have were: martians and their antennae,
Rosé the rottweiler being left at home,
hotbox, and a urinary tract infection, and high tea.
What aspect of high tea did you enjoy the most?
- [Audience Member 5] The tea itself.
- The tea itself. What blend do you go for?
- [Audience Member 5] English Breakfast
or Earl Grey. - English Breakfast, yeah.
But how do you blend your English Breakfast?
- [Audience Member 5] With Earl Grey.
- With Earl Grey?
Well then, it ceases to be an English Breakfast.
What you've done there is, you've
blended black tea with bergamot.
- [Audience Member 5] Yes!
- Yeah, why are you surprised that I know what that is?
Usually an Assam as well, right?
Okay, cool.
That's enough tea chat.
This, lovely people at the Comedy Magic Club,
a little treat for you guys, a little thing
called a freestyle rap.
That is a rap made up on the spot,
based entirely on suggestions, never to be seen again.
It's never been seen before, and don't worry,
it won't be anywhere near as atrociously, embarrassingly bad
as you're expecting a privately-educated,
middle class British boy to be.
(record scratches)
Hello! Sorry to interrupt the video.
It's me, Chris, if I was drawn
by one of the artists from Bob's Burgers.
I wanted to let you know that I am going on tour.
If you live in or near any of these cities, or these cities,
then please do come and see my live show.
I can't wait to hear your suggestions for my raps.
Shout it out in person!
Tickets are on sale now.
The link is in the description,
or click the card in the top right corner.
Thank you for watching, and I will see you there.
(clapping and cheering)
Let's drop that beat my friend, and have some fun!
(rap music)
And more volume on that for me as well.
Maybe we'll start with yours.
♪ My favorite meal of the day ♪
♪ You'll all agree ♪
♪ Sit down and share with me ♪
♪ A nice tray of high tea ♪
♪ Maybe get a china tea pot ♪
♪ I gotta make sure ♪
♪ That it's hot ♪
♪ Before the water starts to pour ♪
♪ Otherwise, the leaves don't unfurl ♪
♪ Where did you get it from, ♪
♪ Somewhere in the Third World ♪
♪ Probably India or China ♪
♪ Bringing all your family round ♪
♪ Never got the shy ones ♪
♪ I get a bit of white bread ♪
♪ Cutting off the crust ♪
♪ If you leave them on the edge of the bread ♪
♪ I don't trust you ♪
♪ I wanna make sure they got cheese ♪
♪ And maybe little bit of cucumber ♪
♪ Yes, please ♪
♪ I will take a little scone ♪
♪ With a little bit of strawberry jam ♪
♪ When it comes to high tea in England ♪
♪ Everybody who feels on my team ♪
♪ Come round and feast upon the tea with the Queen ♪
♪ Busy in a palace ♪
♪ She's got a lotta balance ♪
♪ If you say the tea tastes flat ♪
♪ She pours malice ♪
♪ On you, getting angry ♪
♪ Looking at ya crafty ♪
♪ Like a little fox ♪
♪ Hotbox in the back seat ♪
♪ You can see me ♪
♪ What is the point ♪
♪ I'm kicking back ♪
♪ Got a bong and I'm smoking a joint ♪
♪ At the same time ♪
♪ Yeah, you know it won't harm ya ♪
♪ Medicinal qualities inside the marijuana ♪
♪ I get the best grade ♪
♪ Coming from the hydroponic ♪
♪ I drink it in the back ♪
♪ Of my Dodge ♪
♪ Doll, on it ♪
♪ The I-10 freeway ♪
♪ 405 ♪
♪ I'd be swervin' so fast it's hard to stay alive ♪
♪ I'm followin' the Grateful Dead in a tour bus ♪
♪ All the law on the state ♪
♪ They abhor us ♪
♪ They don't like that we're driving illegally ♪
♪ But doesn't matter ♪
♪ You can get the weed and get it for free ♪
♪ You don't need to bring your own ♪
♪ if you're hotbox bargainin' ♪
♪ It's when you don't pass the joint round the little ring ♪
♪ You need to go clockwise from the startin' ♪
♪ Pass the Dutchie to the left and side and the martians ♪
♪ Don't know this ♪
♪ They're up in the air ♪
♪ They're like, "What is a joint? ♪
♪ We are not aware ♪
♪ Of these things ♪
♪ Yes, it brings us all together ♪
♪ I feel a lot of love ♪
♪ I can sense with antennae" ♪
♪ Never seen them in the ♪
♪ Cartoon before ♪
♪ With a pair of antennae ♪
♪ That this guy saw ♪
♪ Marvin the Martian from Looney Tunes ♪
♪ He says, "Course they've got antennae, ♪
♪ How do you not assume" ♪
♪ Lookin' like tiny little bugs on the prowl ♪
♪ If I saw a martian in real life I would howl ♪
♪ They've got the weird red skin ♪
♪ And they felt ♪
♪ Kind of annoyed ♪
♪ That the asteroid belt ♪
♪ Stops them getting to Jupiter ♪
♪ Like the wall between Mexico and here ♪
♪ It's kind of ♪
♪ A little thing ♪
♪ I'll say again ♪
♪ I made a nice comparison ♪
♪ To illegal aliens ♪
♪ Yeah, we did that ♪
♪ You might ask me why ♪
♪ I feel kind of uncomfortable ♪
♪ UTI ♪
♪ Why, cause I could wipe from front to back ♪
♪ And so I got the infection in my urinary tract ♪
♪ I went to the doctor ♪
♪ I said, "Please, doc, ♪
♪ I need a little thing to stop the burn on my cock" ♪
♪ He says, "Chris, usually these guys ♪
♪ are not the ones who receive ♪
♪ The UTIs" ♪
♪ I just wink my eye ♪
♪ And say, "I caught it from my lady ♪
♪ I had a sexual intercourse lately" ♪
♪ And he was like, "Okay, Mr. Chris, ♪
♪ What are your symptoms" ♪
♪ It burns when I piss ♪
♪ That is far too much ♪
♪ That's TMI ♪
♪ That's another little acronym that I'm gonna try ♪
♪ What a great thing ♪
♪ Working out of my mind ♪
♪ Maybe get some cranberry, ♪
♪ Help you unwind ♪
♪ That's the juice that we use ♪
♪ Get it on offer ♪
♪ I'm goin' up to the bartender ♪
♪ Order a vodka ♪
♪ But then mix in the juice ♪
♪ From the tiny, red berry ♪
♪ How many UTs in my life ♪
♪ So many ♪
♪ And if I see the color ♪
♪ Comin' out clearly ♪
♪ It's not, ♪
♪ It's kinda light pink like Rosé ♪
♪ The wine that you might get in your glass ♪
♪ Oh, she's left on her own ♪
♪ That is not a laugh ♪
♪ It's not funny ♪
♪ The rap's going on too long ♪
♪ I wish that he would shorten ♪
♪ All this song ♪
♪ Because Rosé's sat there by the door ♪
♪ Going (dog whining) and raising a paw ♪
♪ Waiting for her pet mummy to come home ♪
♪ She's not a real child ♪
♪ Leave her well alone ♪
♪ She's over there ♪
♪ She's fine on her own ♪
♪ Tell the truth ♪
♪ When you leave the house ♪
♪ She goes, "Celebrate with a 'woof'" ♪
(Clapping and cheering)