- How do you know whether someone actually loves you
or whether they're just using you
for their own needs and for their own wants?
What's the difference between real love and affection
or attraction or attachment, right?
What does that look like?
There's a wonderful episode of "Buffy the Vampire Slayer"
that answers this question.
(upbeat jazz music)
Coming up on the series finale
of "Buffy, the Vampire Slayer," Buffy connects with Spike,
who was a soulless killing vampire
who developed lustful feelings for Buffy
that he thought was love, but he didn't know what love was
'cause he didn't have a soul,
and in a very controversial episode,
tries to force himself on her.
That's a whole other thing
that we will probably touch on at some other point.
But he realizes that he is a monster
and that he needs to get his soul back.
And he gets his soul back, and once he has it back,
he feels guilt and shame and remorse
for all the terrible things he's done
through hundreds of years of undead life.
And Spike,
before
used Buffy to feel good about himself,
used Buffy like if she loves me, then I have worth,
and he used her sexually.
And she used him sexually
because she was in deep depression
and just wanted to feel something,
even if it was bad, even if it was wrong.
They're at a different place now.
They're not sleeping together, they're not having sex,
they're not romantically involved,
but she is preparing for basically the apocalypse,
basically the end of days,
and the people that she was leading
have rejected her leadership
and she's feeling down on herself now, so here he comes in.
(somber music)
(door knocking)
(Spike sighs)
- There you are.
Do you realize I could just walk in here?
No invite needed.
This town really is theirs now, isn't it?
I heard.
- Spike's my favorite character by the way.
- I was over there.
That (beeps).
She's all about smiles and reformation
when you're on your feet, but the moment you're down,
she's all about the kicking, isn't that right?
- He's talking about the the person
who took the mantle of leadership from Buffy.
- It wasn't just Faith.
It was all of them.
And it's not like they were wrong.
Please leave.
- No.
This'll change your tune.
I came here 'cause I got something to tell you.
You were right.
Caleb is trying to protect something from you.
And I think you were spot on all the way.
I think it's at the vineyard.
- I don't feel very right.
- You're not fooling me.
- What do you even mean?
- Well, you're not a quitter.
- Watch me.
- You ever try
and comfort someone - You're their leader.
- And they won't be comforted? - And you still are.
This isn't something you gave up, it's something they took.
- And the difference is?
- [Spike] No.
- No.
- [Spike] You mean no as in eventually?
- You really have problems with that word, don't you?
- You can get them back.
(somber music)
- Can, maybe.
Should?
I'm just so tired.
- They need you.
- So maybe you felt before
that the people that you loved and served
have turned on you and have rejected you,
or maybe you feel like Spike.
You're trying to comfort someone
who can't or won't be comforted, so what do we do?
- It's a bloody chaos over there without you.
- It is?
- Yeah.
Yeah, it's...
There's junk.
You know, food cartons, sleeping bags not rolled up.
Everyone's very scared and unkempt.
- Sounds dire.
- I didn't see a lot.
I came, hit Faith a bunch of times, and left.
- Really?
I mean, not that I'm glad--
- Oh, you say the word and she's a footnote in history.
I'll make it look like a painful accident.
- That's my problem.
(somber music)
If I say the word, some girl dies.
Every time.
- There's always casualties in war.
- Casualties.
It just sounds so casual.
These are girls
that I got killed.
I cut myself off from them.
All of them.
I knew I was gonna lose some of them and I didn't...
- Wanna feel it.
- You know what?
I'm still making excuses.
I've always cut myself off.
I've always...
Being the slayer made me different.
But it's my fault I stayed that way.
People are always trying to connect to me.
And I just
slip away.
You should know.
- If you don't truly believe in yourself,
you will push people away
because you figure they'll get hurt
and then you wanna protect them,
or they're gonna get hurt and you don't wanna feel anything.
And someone who doesn't love you in Spike's shoes right now
would see someone vulnerable
and someone who needs a shoulder to cry on,
and maybe someone who is ready to be sexually exploited.
And you know, before he got his soul back,
that's what Spike would've done.
But I want you to pay attention to what he does instead.
- I seem to recall a certain amount of connecting.
- Oh, please.
We were never close.
You just wanted me because I was unattainable.
- You think that's all that was?
- Please, let's not go over the past.
- Oh no, no, let's hold on here.
I've hummed along to your pity ditty
and I think I should have the mic for a bit.
- Fine.
Stage is yours.
Tear me up.
- You're insufferable.
- Thank you, that really helped.
- I'm not trying to cheer you up.
- And what are you trying to say?
- I don't know.
I'll know when I'm done saying it.
- I've lived my life
that way. - You piss me off
and I just...
Unattainable, that's it.
- Fine.
I'm attainable.
I'm an attainathon.
May I please just go to sleep?
- You listen to me.
- This is good.
- I've been alive a bit longer than you
and dead a lot longer than that.
I've seen things you couldn't imagine
and done things I prefer you didn't.
(somber music)
Don't exactly have a reputation for being a thinker.
I followed my blood,
which doesn't exactly rush in the direction of my brain,
so I make a lot of mistakes, a lot of wrong bloody calls.
A hundred plus years
and there's only one thing I've ever been sure of.
You.
Hey, look at me.
I'm not asking you for anything.
When I say I love you,
it's not because I want you or because I can't have you.
It has nothing to do with me.
I love what you are,
what you do,
how you try.
I've seen your kindness and your strength.
I've seen the best and the worst of you,
and I understand with perfect clarity exactly what you are.
You're a hell of a woman.
You're the one, Buffy.
- I don't wanna be the one.
(somber music)
- I don't wanna be this good looking and athletic.
We all have crosses to bear.
- When he says you're the one,
he's not talking about the one for me,
more like the chosen one type thing, right?
- You get some rest now.
- And watch this.
Watch closely and then we'll talk about it.
- One second, before first light,
you can decide how you want.
- Spike.
Could you stay here?
- Sure.
That diabolical little torture device, the comfy chair,
do me fine.
- No.
I mean
here.
Will you just hold me?
- So, what is the difference
between loving someone and using someone?
You know, we have a culture built on two extremes.
One is unrestrained, bodice-ripping passion,
and the other is chaste self-denial and restraint.
And somewhere in between those is
desiring someone and knowing when to act on that
and knowing when to hold back.
Had Spike come in, biceps ablazing,
trying to seduce Buffy in a vulnerable moment,
he may have succeeded, probably not,
but he may have succeeded,
but he wouldn't have given her what she truly needed.
Like he says, "I think with my blood,
which doesn't rush in the direction of my brain."
Spike's a very sexual character
and for him to stay and just hold her
because that's what she needs is a big deal.
For him to offer to sleep on the the comfy chair
instead of on the bed is a big deal.
For him, if you know the history of the show,
so many times he's wanted and desired her for himself,
and when he says to her now at this point in his journey,
"When I say I love you, it's not because I can't have you.
It's not because I want you.
It's got nothing to do with me."
He says, "I love what you are, how you try.
I've seen your kindness and your courage."
Love is seeing someone.
Love is putting their needs before your wants.
Love is being willing to sacrifice something
because you care more about them than about yourself.
And if the person you're with isn't acting that way,
it's not love.
At least not yet.
Like could it evolve into that?
Sometimes.
But even then it only involves into that if you establish
kind of like what the guidelines are, right?
What the barriers are, what the boundaries are
is what I'm looking for.
We often confuse attachment for love,
or attraction for love, or even affection.
Spike started with attraction and then attachment,
and that's, we see that as passion, but that's,
attraction and attachment often lead to possessive behavior,
controlling behavior, abusive behavior.
Affection is a step closer to love.
Affection is tenderness and kindness and consideration,
but it only blossoms into love
when there is no expectation of anything in return.
When you love somebody, you want their happiness.
You may want that happiness to be with you,
but even more than that,
you want their happiness, even if it's not.
And how you can tell that this is actual love in his case,
which is confusing to him,
he's never experienced this before,
is that he is putting himself second.
Now, that could be taken to an extreme.
Obviously, you can put yourself second
over and over and over again in a relationship
and just get walked on,
but in a healthy relationship it goes both ways.
That is the difference in my mind
between love and imitation love,
what we often confuse with love.
What do you think of this moment
in "Buffy the Vampire Slayer?"
What other Buffy moments would you like me to respond to?
Let me know in the comments below.
If you enjoyed this video, folks,
we've got a whole Buffy playlist
for you to enjoy right here.
Until next time, keep shining, we need your light.
(upbeat jazz music)
And there's that playlist just like I done told ya.